SEC Teams as Presidents

Alabama - Abraham Lincoln: Revered in the eyes of the ignorant nation, Alabama steps all over the NCAA bylaws about as much as Lincoln stepped all over the Constitution. Wants the rest of the country to believe they've got 37 national championships as much as Lincoln wanted the rest of the country to think the War of Northern Aggression was about slavery.

Arkansas - Theodore Roosevelt: Just as Arkansas sails the glorious Flagship across the Southeast Main, so did Roosevelt sail the Great White Fleet from ocean to ocean showing off the might of the United States Navy.

Auburn - Jefferson Davis: Nemesis of Lincoln, Davis was able to raise an army capable of fending off Lincoln's forces with the $180,000 recruitment of Robert E. Lee. However, it didn't last very long, and a year later Lincoln won another national championship.

Georgia - George H. W. Bush: All the pieces were there for him to be one of the all-time greats, but for whatever reason, he just couldn't get there. "Read my lips: No new suspensions."

Florida - Ronald Reagan: They've been the most successful SEC program in recent years, from starting the BCSNC streak and tearing down the Big 10 Wall, to revolutionizing offenses and the U.S. economy. SEC defensive adapted to Spurrier's Fun 'n' Gun and made us the most powerful conference in the world.

Kentucky - Dwight D. Eisenhower: A household name as one of the greatest generals the NCAA Tournament has ever seen, but doesn't really fit in with the presidential crowd. Done some great things for our conference, just not on the presidential football field.

LSU - Jimmy Carter: Everyone seemed to think he was the right guy for the job, and did some good things before getting into office, but when he got there, he shite the bed and lost 21-0 to OPEC. That isn't to say some good didn't come out of it, because his screwup ultimately shifted the South's party alignment and the caused BCS's change to a 4-team playoff.

LSU Again - Richard Nixon: Looked to be sending America on their way towards a perfect season, even barely eeking out a win in overtime against Vietnam that ultimately meant nothing (blame the media for all the hoopla about it). However, their pride and poor leadership skills ultimately led to an arse-whooping at the BCS National Democrat Convention.

Ole Miss - John F. Kennedy: Had his moments of presidential prowess, but is more concerned with looks, tailgating, and banging Marilyn Monroe. Just as Kennedy seemed to be destined for greatness, Ole Miss's teams fielded some of the SEC's finest until Billy Cannon shot them from the grassy noll.

Mississippi State - Bill Clinton: Has some pretty solid accomplishments all things considered (Clinton being a Democrat and State being a perennial bottomfeeder), but State's too preoccupied with beating Ole Miss like Clinton was preoccupied beating... other things.

Missouri - Barack Obama: New to the party and out of place, Mizzou is delusional enough to thinks their backwards and ineffective football policies hold the key to fixing the U.S. economy.

South Carolina - James Buchanan: Not really known for much on the football field, Buchanan and South Carolina will go down in history as "those guys that started the War of Northern Aggression". And boy, does Spurrier do a good job of firing at the Ft. Sumter that is, well, anyone else in the SEC.

Texas A&M - George W. Bush: That cowboy that leaves everyone else wondering how we let him in office, but does a solid job all things considered. Got out of the shadow cast by their also well-known father.

Tennessee - John Adams: One of the Founding Fathers of the SEC, Tennessee's football program helped guide the conference into national prominence. However, they got too caught up in pointing fingers at their rival, which ultimately cost them reelection and got ol' Fat Phil fired. Though, before he left, he did manage to put some less-than-respectable players into office with his "Midnight Recruiting Class".

Vanderbilt - Woodrow Wilson: An out-of-place intellectual idealist, Vandy's futile attempts at fielding a football team are similar to Wilson's attempt to sell the League of Nations to the U.S. populace.


Couple notes:
- Obama's "out of place" is referring to the conspiracy theories that he wasn't born in the U.S., before someone takes that racially.
- Jefferson Davis wasn't a President? frick you, we're in the South.