Thanksgiving with the SEC expansion teams

South Carolina and Arkansas are like the uncle your mom’s sister married so long ago that you can’t tell who’s the blood relative and who’s not. They’ve been in the family so long it’d be a weird Thanksgiving without them. He taught you how to play guitar, likes a good high ball, and he grills a killer steak. Their children are now fully grown and they went to school never knowing anything but SEC.

Mizzou is like the lesbian 2nd marriage of your Aunt Pattie who was once married to a dude. She does a good job of trying to fit in but it’s uncomfortable, especially for Grandpa and some of the older members of the family. She’s the only Subaru in the driveway.

Texas is like the older guy who’s married to your hot young dingy cousin as a trophy wife. He knows he doesn’t really fit in but he’s always buying dinner for everyone and talking about his company and the boards he serves on like anyone gives a frick. He drives a Porsche 911 Carrera so the kids think he’s kinda cool but he’s really a creepy douche.

A&M is like your dad’s brother who’s a little too type A. A seemingly traditional values kinda guy, he retired early from the military and he’s never been married because he’s “just too busy”. All the younger cousins kinda intuitively know not to be alone with him but no one has overtly called him out on it. Your dad doesn’t tell many stories of them growing up and you suspect there’s more there than meets the eye.

Oklahoma is like your drunk uncle who’s fun as shite up until the 5th beer then he starts being an a-hole and fricking things up left and right. Been divorced a couple times. He was hell back in the day, but the drinking finally got to him. On most Thanksgivings he manages to keep it together at least until the kids go to bed, but then he switches from beer to whiskey and it’s anything goes.