Shopping at Kohls rant

First off, everything is always "on sale" all the time. If it's "on sale" all the time, it's not "on sale." Oh, this shitty pair of dress pants has a price tag of $65 but I can get it today for $30!? WOW! What a great deal!...You aren't fooling anyone, Kohls. No one anywhere is paying $65 for these no-iron, machine washable pants that are barely suitable for McDonalds employees. But that's just an annoying sales tactic, now let me tell you why I really hate Kohls...

I routinely wait longer in Kohl's checkout lines than I wait in the doctor's office. It never fails. There are 4+ registers open and there's only one person ahead of me, but still I find myself standing there waiting so long that I start contemplating walking out the door with my shitty pair of pants and dare them to chase me. At least being chased would be more exciting than standing in that line being forced to think about how pointless my life is standing in this line to buy some stupid fricking dress pants that I can wear while sitting at my stupid fricking desk job.

For those who don't shop at Kohls, you have to be wondering why the hell it takes so long to checkout. Honestly, I have no fricking clue. It's like the checkout person is appraising each clothing item as it's placed on the counter and they haggle back and forth like on pawn stars. I really have no clue what these women are talking about and discussing about the purchases, but it takes longer for Betty Ann to purchase her 2 new work outfits than it does for me to fill out and get approved for a fricking home loan at the bank.

Well I do know part of it is that the checkout person takes so much care in folding and packing away the clothes. It's as if they are assisting the Queen of England pack her suitcase for an overseas voyage. Just scan the item and put it in the bag for Christ's sake! Why are you lining up the edges and folding it 4 ways just so the customer can throw it in their trunk and wash it when they get home?... I also notice the average Kohls customer moves slower than any other business I go into. People at the grocery store are trying to get their food and get out. People at Kohl's seem to have nothing else on their agenda for the next year but shop at fricking Kohls.

So when it's finally my turn to get checked out I get an initial feel of relief, the shopping at Kohls is almost over. But then it happens...

"Do you have a Kohls Charge Card?"

No, I don't have one and please don't start telling me....

"Would you like to sign up for one today? You can earn cash back with every purchase and get a one time discount of 25% off today's purchase."

No, Leslie, I just want to buy this shitty pair of pants. Please leave me alone and just let me pay.

"Do you have a Kohls reward card?"

God dammit Leslie, can't you tell I'm just a dude trying to buy a pair of shitty pants. No, I don't have a rewards card and please don't try to tell me why...

"You can earn Kohl's points with the rewards card that go toward future purchases..."

Just fricking kill me and bury me in these shitty pants. You won't have to iron them...

So after I decline her generous offer to fill my wallet with useless plastic, I pay and think I'm home free. But wait, there's more! She starts writing on the receipt, circling things, initialing things, doing some sort of calculus like she's trying to figure out a way to bring Apollo 13 back home. She looks up..."You've saved $35 shopping with us today!" I just smile and say thank you, inside my mind thinking "I'm pretty sure I just paid $30 today for some shitty pants, but good try though."

I grab my bag and as I'm about to leave..."You've earned $10 of Kohl's Cash!" She hands me a paper slip with a Kohls ad on it. Sorry, Leslie, but this is useless to me. You think I have a spot in my drawers at home where I keep all my Kohl's cash? You think I'm going to file this away in a cabinet for that time within the next month that I need to come back to this godforsaken place because I need some more dress socks and a belt? No, Leslie, I don't. But thanks for wasting more of my time and giving me something else to throw away.