The dumbest fan base in America

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The Alabama Crimson Tide fan base is the dumbest in the country and there isn’t a close second. Alabama’s fan base stupidity is not a function of a small minority of bad apples ruining it for the rest of the fans, nope, it’s the majority of the fan base that gives Alabama fans a bad name. Let’s be clear about this, Harvey Updyke was not an outlier. When news broke that authorities had arrested a man for poisoning the trees at Auburn, millions of Alabama fans secretly thought to themselves, “God, I hope it’s not Uncle Ray.”

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The other 85% of Bama fans are incapable of coherent thought and have a deep-seated insecurity about all things in life. Alabama football comprises, and this is not an exaggeration, 99% of their self esteem. This group of Alabama fans resents those who actually attended the school and calls them, “elitists.” (To be an “elitist” in Alabama you have to graduate high school, avoid having kids until you’re 22, and shop at Target instead of Wal-Mart. Seriously, that’s an Alabama elitist.). Auburn fans, a distinct minority in the state, are really nothing like Alabama fans. That’s because by and large Auburn fans are associated in some way with Auburn. 95% of the idiots in Alabama root for the Crimson Tide.

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If Nick Saban was on Twitter — God this would be amazing if he Tweeted what he really thought — and he stepped in dog crap on Tuscaloosa’s campus, he could take to Twitter and Tweet, “If a thousand Alabama fans don’t show up and lick this dog shite off my shoe, I’m leaving town.” Ten thousand of more Bama fans would immediately show up to dutifully stand in line for hours to lick the dog shite off Nick Saban’s shoe. This is not hyperbole. Even Nick Saban hates Alabama fans.

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He’s a 38 year old grandfather and he owns fourteen shirts, thirteen of which have to do with Alabama football’s mythical national titles. An important aspect of his life is that everyone must know that Alabama is his favorite team at every moment of his life. His truck, his trailer, his clothing, his animals, his arm, his parole papers — all of them must include a reference to his Alabama fandom. To not do this would be unacceptable. When he was 19 he got a 14 year old pregnant, married her, and then got another, different, 14 year old pregnant and subsequently got divorced. Then he got a third 14 year old pregnant and there was only one appropriate way to celebrate this accomplishment while simultaneously combining it with his love for Bama football. His tailgate was his canvas.

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