'Twas the night before SEC football

‘Twas the night before SEC football, when all through the South
The morons on tRant kept running their mouths;

Bama’s jimmies were rustled by UCF’s claim
A starter at quarterback, they had yet to name;

Is it Tua or Jalen, or will they take turns?
Let us remember that Jalen lost to Auburn;

Speaking of Auburn and life on the Plains
They gave Gus $49 million for losing the conference championship game;

Though he beat Bama, the rematch with Georgia was lost
Banished to the Peach Bowl against UCF and Scott Frost;

While we shall not recount the result of that game
Just recall that the outcome brought our league shame;

In Athens they lament over what could have been
An overtime loss to the dastardly Saban;

He taught their Coach Smart everything that he knows
Except how to defend against left-handed throws;

No quarterback controversy, their man is Fromm
But the sickos on tRant just post pictures of his mom;

From Lake Charles to Slidell, the Cajuns ready their gumbo
Trying to comprehend why Alleva hired Coach O;

He’s one of theirs, the native son of Larose
Laissez les bon temps rouler be damned, the sentiment is far more morose;

In the rest of the conference, the offseason brought plenty to cheer
But it was lost on tRant, sources of trolling and jeer;

Out Sumlin, out Butch, out Bert and McElwain
Exiled from this conference, not to coach here again;

The lone exception being Butch, who landed on his feet
An internship with Coach Saban, that sure sounds pretty neat;

Tennessee picked Schiano, but the hire fell through
Thank Phil Fulmer, Clay Travis, and that JoePa definitely knew;

The slovenly Bert was dispatched from the Hill
But not before devouring his one final meal;

To Herman’s he went, to eat every last rib
Even licking the sauce from his belly and bib;

An internship with Bill Belichick, Coach Saban’s good pal
A new home in Foxborough, near the Golden Corral;

With Sumlin out the door, the Aggies called on coach Fisher
More money than sense, all he did was get richer;

75 million new reasons to love College Station
Certainly not for the cheerleaders or celebratory masturbation;

Coach Mullen fled Starkville, bags were packed always ready
To Gainesville he went, shitter’s full, Cousin Eddie;

He once famously inquired, “You Serious, Clark?”
Florida’s hiring criteria, no proclivity for sharks;

Now State has Coach Moorhead, expectations are high
He coached under James Franklin, who encouraged rapists to lie;

Muschamp has the Gamecocks out of the SEC East gutter
Second fiddle in the state, until they beat big brother;

Ole Miss pays the price for lacking institutional control
Colonel Reb is still crying, enjoy the Egg Bowl;

By the end of November, Kentucky will be ranked number one
That is when you will know basketball season has begun;

Welcome back Derek Dooley, the league has missed you
A laughable hire, par for the course at Mizzou;

3-9 or 4-8, its all the same to me
The true melt will come when Vanderbilt beats Tennessee

So sleep well all you ranters, go enjoy a nice beer;
For when you wake up in the morn, SEC football will be here

May your weekends be filled with pretty women and good booze
I hate all of your teams, and I hope that you lose.