Draconian Sanctions’ 2023-24 fan base rankings

Friends,

As we embark on the 2023-24 academic calendar, I found it fitting to update my rankings of the 13 SEC fan bases. These rankings remain entirely objective, derived from extensive travels and thorough analysis of each fan base on this website and social media. Without further delay:

1. Mississippi State- Unpretentious and passionate, Mississippi State fans are good humored and are one of the only non delusional fan bases in the conference.

2. Vanderbilt- There’s really not much to say about Vanderbilt fans as a) there aren’t many of them and b) they’ve had almost no success to crow about. You would probably be #1 on this list by default but the whistler bumps you down a spot.

3. Georgia- Georgia fans can be annoying but so can everyone. Compared to the other 2 big SEC East schools y’all are my best friends.

4. South Carolina- Their baseball and ladies basketball fans are completely out of their minds delusional, BUT they have supported their average to bad football program in a big way for years. That has to count for something.

5. LSU- I know how Putin must feel about the Russians as I often feel a sense of parental responsibility for these idiots. I hate to besmirch my own, but it’s an undeniable fact that there are a LOT of incredibly stupid LSU fans. That having been said, LSU fans know how to have a good time which is more than I can say for the rest of you footloose townsfolk.

6. Arkansas- A recent climber in these rankings, decades of disappointment has finally sunk in up there, and they’ve started to accept their place in the pecking order. A trip to Fayetteville these days is much less vitriolic than it used to be. Bravo, hogs.

7. Alabama- I’ve got Alabama right in the middle here as this is the 2 face of fan bases. The good side of Harvey Dent is affable, has a great understanding and appreciation for the history of college football, and generally actually went to the University of Alabama. The other half poisons trees and murders each other for not being upset enough about the loss.

8. Kentucky- Would be higher on this list if not for basketball, but they’re even worse than Bama fan in terms of making excuses for why their teams don’t succeed. Sad.

9. Auburn- Truth be told I feel a little bit bad for Auburn fans. They’ve got not one but two big brothers in Bama and Georgia, and are the smallest of the so called Big 6. They have some awful fans but they do have to live with the bad half of the Alabama fan base, which sounds miserable.

10. Florida- Kind of like LSU fans but without the fun, Florida has more idiots in their fan base pound for pound than anyone else. At least they don’t try to be something they aren’t, which is more than I can say for our next entry.

11. Ole Miss-A lot like Arkansas fans but without the chill factor that comes from getting to live in beautiful Fayetteville. Ole Miss fans are pretentiously faux classy to cover up for their consistently bad performances. Eli fell down.

12. Texas A&M- Little brother mentality, in a Starkville-esque town, on a Soviet style campus. These cultists dorks are only redeemable in that they and their programs are so pathetically soft. The ultimate can dish it out but can’t take it fan base, they lost any modicum of respect I had for them with their SECr “strike” a few years ago.

13. Tennessee- Utterly embarrassing, the mountain gumps are essentially a less violent but much more frustrated version of the bad half of the Alabama fan base. They lack any sense of self awareness and their school’s inability to get over the hump in any sport is making them more and more erratic, clinging to random and meaningless wins because they have nothing else to beat their chest about. 1998 is a LONG time ago.