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I need help, guys
Posted on 3/14/15 at 6:13 pm
Posted on 3/14/15 at 6:13 pm
I was absolutely sucker punched when Mrs Spiff said she wants a divorce. I know that at times I do stupid shite on here, but it is in all fun of pulling chains. The thing is, she gave hints that I needed to fix things but I didn't listen, I guess.
And I know it's my fault, and it's killing me. I was a dick to her sister ever since she blew up on me and never have forgotten it. I took her for granted and just thought she would always be there. And now looking back, I can see everything.
She is the absolute love of my life and one of the best wife and mother anyone could ask for. See, as a child she went through stuff that no child should ever, ever experience. And in a way it shaped her adult life. She has had many failed relationships - and when I talked to her about changing, counseling, and all, she said that's what they all said. It almost seems as if she is broken. And I don't know what to do. Ten years in and ten years I took for granted.
It's killing me, guys, and I can't take this. We have two young children who are my everything. What can I do, guys? It's like my soul was ripped out. I need help.
And I know it's my fault, and it's killing me. I was a dick to her sister ever since she blew up on me and never have forgotten it. I took her for granted and just thought she would always be there. And now looking back, I can see everything.
She is the absolute love of my life and one of the best wife and mother anyone could ask for. See, as a child she went through stuff that no child should ever, ever experience. And in a way it shaped her adult life. She has had many failed relationships - and when I talked to her about changing, counseling, and all, she said that's what they all said. It almost seems as if she is broken. And I don't know what to do. Ten years in and ten years I took for granted.
It's killing me, guys, and I can't take this. We have two young children who are my everything. What can I do, guys? It's like my soul was ripped out. I need help.
This post was edited on 3/14/15 at 6:26 pm
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Posted on 3/14/15 at 6:21 pm to Spaceman Spiff
That sounds awful .Good luck man.
This post was edited on 3/14/15 at 6:22 pm
Posted on 3/14/15 at 6:24 pm to rb
Without knowing the full extent of your wife's troubles, I don't think anyone can help though.
Posted on 3/14/15 at 6:25 pm to Spaceman Spiff
It's not what you want to hear but get a lawyer yesterday
Posted on 3/14/15 at 6:34 pm to Spaceman Spiff
Well, My advice isn't revolutionary but you need to show her and everyone else around you that you've changed and if you can think of some way that it'd open her eyes to her mistake, that'd help. Even if that doesn't work, it will help in divorce proceedings. Also, when all else fails, you need to have a conversation with her about what's best for the children. If yall remaining togeather would be toxic, then divorce might be better. But if the issues can be worked through, it's far better for the children than to go through a messy divorce.
Posted on 3/14/15 at 6:36 pm to Spaceman Spiff
I guess the real question is, whether she is bluffing to make you change, or is her mind made up?
If its the former, are you willing to change to keep her? If it's the latter, see tween the hedges comment.
If its the former, are you willing to change to keep her? If it's the latter, see tween the hedges comment.
Posted on 3/14/15 at 6:43 pm to Spaceman Spiff
quote:
And I know it's my fault, and it's killing me.
Short term there might be no solution but an amicable divorce since it sounds like she has just cause for leaving you.
Phase 2 is to genuinely change your life and hopefully she will see it and change her mind about your life together. If not then, there might other reasons why she wants to move on. If that turns out to be the case, then you have no choice but to move on as well. Life pining over someone who doesn't love you is a miserable existence. At some point you have to reconcile your disconnect and get on with your life.
Good luck.
This post was edited on 3/14/15 at 7:02 pm
Posted on 3/14/15 at 6:43 pm to Spaceman Spiff
If this is off limits let me know but I thought I remembered having a discussion maybe a year ago and if I remember correctly there was a situation involving a potential job change with some period of time apart and I did not know whether that ended up having an impact on things. Point is depending on how things were broken leads in to whether they can be repaired.
When one party is talking about divorce the only real options are counseling if the other party will agree to it or litigation which will involve divorce, custody, property division, etc.
I've been involved in cases where parties reconciled after marriage counseling so it does and can work. But when all is said and done if one party is adamant about filing for divorce all you can do is seek legal counsel and try to make the best of it.
When one party is talking about divorce the only real options are counseling if the other party will agree to it or litigation which will involve divorce, custody, property division, etc.
I've been involved in cases where parties reconciled after marriage counseling so it does and can work. But when all is said and done if one party is adamant about filing for divorce all you can do is seek legal counsel and try to make the best of it.
Posted on 3/14/15 at 6:44 pm to Spaceman Spiff
Sorry to hear it man. Especially for your kids because that's who it is going to be hardest on.
How old are your kids? If youre serious about changing and reconciling, maybe you can convince her to give it some time for the kids to get a little older before you turn their lives upside down and change them forever with a divorce.....
And whatever you do, watch what you say about her to your kids no matter how ugly things get. I can still remember that type of garbage verbatim from when my folks divorced.
How old are your kids? If youre serious about changing and reconciling, maybe you can convince her to give it some time for the kids to get a little older before you turn their lives upside down and change them forever with a divorce.....
And whatever you do, watch what you say about her to your kids no matter how ugly things get. I can still remember that type of garbage verbatim from when my folks divorced.
Posted on 3/14/15 at 6:45 pm to Spaceman Spiff
Don't ever give up. Don't ever leave her. Always be there for her and inform her you're not going away that easy. Tell her it's been rough, and sometimes unbearable but all couples go through this. We can't fail. We won't fail. I won't allow us to fail. Please, let me help you. Let me know how it turns out.
Posted on 3/14/15 at 6:55 pm to Spaceman Spiff
damn...good luck...
lawyer up, at least in terms of joint custody, etc..don't let the kids think this is their fault.
lawyer up, at least in terms of joint custody, etc..don't let the kids think this is their fault.
Posted on 3/14/15 at 7:21 pm to Spaceman Spiff
Don't beat yourself up. Pick yourself up and do all that you can do. Not many people pray these days, but I find it handy.
I also try to be patient when life has my head to the ground.......because every time I get up, I'm better for it.
I also try to be patient when life has my head to the ground.......because every time I get up, I'm better for it.
Posted on 3/14/15 at 7:26 pm to Jefferson Dawg
quote:
And whatever you do, watch what you say about her to your kids no matter how ugly things get. I can still remember that type of garbage verbatim from when my folks divorced.
Sorry, posted before I read the other comments, but this is a spot on piece of advice. The impact will stay with a kid for a long time if handled poorly.
Posted on 3/14/15 at 7:32 pm to Spaceman Spiff
Call EVERY lawyer in town and schedule a sit down for them to just hear you for an initial consultation, which is usually just a quick 20-30 minutes to see if your case is worth taking. Just in talking to you, it means they cannot represent your wife because they first technically "counsled" you. It's the equivalent of picking up every rib on the plate and licking them so no one else can have any. It's scorched earth, but it could mean you not getting fricked over by the courts.
If she's serious about severing your marriage, it could frick you over in the long run. Courts almost always find extremely favorable for the female.
If she's serious about severing your marriage, it could frick you over in the long run. Courts almost always find extremely favorable for the female.
Posted on 3/14/15 at 7:36 pm to Leghumper
Thanks, guys, for all of the sound advice. I am just hurting so bad I can't see straight.
As far as my kids go, they are 5 and 3. The absolute joy of my life. I would never talk bad in front of them. Never.
My wife is active duty and sacrificed a lot in her career for our marriage. For instance, she wanted us to go over seas, but I was against it. Now, she is two years out of retirement and that option has passed. I get the feeling that her sacrifices on my part has led to her hitting the wall as far as her career goes. And I know that she is under incredible pressure at work and I think that has, in part, led to some feelings that I am not helping. She has said more than once that felt defeated at work. Maybe that's part of the broken. So, for the last almost two years, she has orders to another duty station within two hours drive. That's what I spoke of in a much earlier thread - the kids and I would stay here while she came back on the weekend.
As a child, she went through some horrible, horrible things. She has a very good soul and is an absolute joy. But I took her and everything for granted. I was an arse about some things and a selfish bastard. I guess I just got so comfortable and always thought she would be there. And that's on me. Now I see everything and how I was. I wasn't always that bad, but for those 10 years I slipped. Now I never hit or cheated or anything like that - I guess I more or less neglected - not sure if that is the right word. And that's on me.
I am all for counseling and I suggested such. I just know that this sucks really bad. I can't bear the thought of my kids being caught up. I just don't know what I would do.
Thanks for listening, everyone.
As far as my kids go, they are 5 and 3. The absolute joy of my life. I would never talk bad in front of them. Never.
My wife is active duty and sacrificed a lot in her career for our marriage. For instance, she wanted us to go over seas, but I was against it. Now, she is two years out of retirement and that option has passed. I get the feeling that her sacrifices on my part has led to her hitting the wall as far as her career goes. And I know that she is under incredible pressure at work and I think that has, in part, led to some feelings that I am not helping. She has said more than once that felt defeated at work. Maybe that's part of the broken. So, for the last almost two years, she has orders to another duty station within two hours drive. That's what I spoke of in a much earlier thread - the kids and I would stay here while she came back on the weekend.
As a child, she went through some horrible, horrible things. She has a very good soul and is an absolute joy. But I took her and everything for granted. I was an arse about some things and a selfish bastard. I guess I just got so comfortable and always thought she would be there. And that's on me. Now I see everything and how I was. I wasn't always that bad, but for those 10 years I slipped. Now I never hit or cheated or anything like that - I guess I more or less neglected - not sure if that is the right word. And that's on me.
I am all for counseling and I suggested such. I just know that this sucks really bad. I can't bear the thought of my kids being caught up. I just don't know what I would do.
Thanks for listening, everyone.
This post was edited on 3/14/15 at 7:40 pm
Posted on 3/14/15 at 7:44 pm to Baxter
quote:
I guess the real question is, whether she is bluffing to make you change, or is her mind made up?
Along those lines - try to get a separation first. It gives you a chance to prove to her what she means to you, and it gives her a chance to think things over. It also gives both of you a little space and can prevent blow up fights.
Posted on 3/14/15 at 7:46 pm to Spaceman Spiff
Is she open to counseling or is the relationship too far gone? A lotta times if both wanna make it work & realize that a major change is needed, the relationship can be repaired, but it's a long process...
I was married for 30 years before my divorce, it was a very bad time in my life & I was blindsided but later figured out it was as much my fault as hers...
Try your best to see if the relationship has any hope of being mended cause that's the best possible outcome, but you have to be brutally honest with yourself. If it's over... It's over...
Best wishes & prayers Spiff, everything usually seems to work out for the best in the long run. You gotta lot of bad days & nights ahead of you but keep the faith & try to stay positive, grow & learn from this. You're a lot younger than I was & I came thru it ok, you can too...
I was married for 30 years before my divorce, it was a very bad time in my life & I was blindsided but later figured out it was as much my fault as hers...
Try your best to see if the relationship has any hope of being mended cause that's the best possible outcome, but you have to be brutally honest with yourself. If it's over... It's over...
Best wishes & prayers Spiff, everything usually seems to work out for the best in the long run. You gotta lot of bad days & nights ahead of you but keep the faith & try to stay positive, grow & learn from this. You're a lot younger than I was & I came thru it ok, you can too...
Posted on 3/14/15 at 7:49 pm to Spaceman Spiff
First: Digital non-erotic hug bro, this sucks and I know it hurts. Honestly wish I could wipe it away (emotional pain sucks and this is one of the biggies).
Second: Get counseling just for you, ASAP. It will help if you allow it to. I think secular is better just because they typically have more training and a different approach but if you need to do so faith based counseling can help.
Third: Hang in there. It WILL get better.
I don't know enough about your situation to offer much more but she's obviously scarred by prior relationships if she is lumping you in with others regarding couples counseling and that's not your fault.
I won't lie to you - all this is gonna suck balls for a while but it really does get better and I really do think personal counseling can do you good even if it's only to get it all out. I wish I could offer you more.
Second: Get counseling just for you, ASAP. It will help if you allow it to. I think secular is better just because they typically have more training and a different approach but if you need to do so faith based counseling can help.
Third: Hang in there. It WILL get better.
I don't know enough about your situation to offer much more but she's obviously scarred by prior relationships if she is lumping you in with others regarding couples counseling and that's not your fault.
I won't lie to you - all this is gonna suck balls for a while but it really does get better and I really do think personal counseling can do you good even if it's only to get it all out. I wish I could offer you more.
Posted on 3/14/15 at 8:23 pm to Spaceman Spiff
Get a good attorney and start looking for younger puss. I know it sucks now, but it will get better, good luck brother
Posted on 3/14/15 at 9:18 pm to Spaceman Spiff
Ok. Dr.leppard will see you now. sorry for the wait. I just left a couples seminar at the Ramada inn. healing aint for everybody, let me tell you
First, the reason your getting alot of well intended platitudes is because nobody here can begin to understand your 10 yr marital problems after hearing you whine for a few paragraphs. Theres millions of shite shes holding onto, like all women, that you dont even know to mention
Obviously you keep referring to an abusive background with her. Welcome to 30 yrs ago. I havent dated a girl that wasnt abused since grade school. Apparently parents in the 70s and 80s were wild as frick. regardless, if she wont get counseling you are spinning your wheels. You will be trying to keep someone happy that has holes you cannot fill. Theres no band aids for that type of brokenness
So, what to do about YOU basically. In a sentence, get your shite together. Start making changes in your life that demonstrate that you have the ability to do just that, CHANGE. start taking better care of yourself. If youre a slob, and im betting you are, start making some positive strides. Work out, run, eat better, dress better, take your kids places, start playing guitar again, etc. shite that makes you more attractive, gives you confidence, takes your mind off of things. Changing a bunch of shite that caters to her and your crappy marriage is transparent. And it sets an unrealistic tone with her. I'm sure there's a fricking TON of shite she needs to fix and do differently too. Kissing her arse so she won't leave will do more harm than long term good
And worse case scenario, she leaves you. Deal with that then. But be well centered and have a life not dependent on her when that happens. Which you should have anyway. If she decides its over, 100% of your energy is gonna go to juggling your children , protecting your arse, going to work, and adjusting to all the change. If your head is all fricked up and youre not taking care of yourself shite will hit the fan. Hard
And besides. If she's not willing to see a shrink or marriage counselor, she's not putting the same value on your relationship as you are. Which is nowhere to start. This is a two man deal. Not 40/60. Not 49/51. 50 frickin 50
First, the reason your getting alot of well intended platitudes is because nobody here can begin to understand your 10 yr marital problems after hearing you whine for a few paragraphs. Theres millions of shite shes holding onto, like all women, that you dont even know to mention
Obviously you keep referring to an abusive background with her. Welcome to 30 yrs ago. I havent dated a girl that wasnt abused since grade school. Apparently parents in the 70s and 80s were wild as frick. regardless, if she wont get counseling you are spinning your wheels. You will be trying to keep someone happy that has holes you cannot fill. Theres no band aids for that type of brokenness
So, what to do about YOU basically. In a sentence, get your shite together. Start making changes in your life that demonstrate that you have the ability to do just that, CHANGE. start taking better care of yourself. If youre a slob, and im betting you are, start making some positive strides. Work out, run, eat better, dress better, take your kids places, start playing guitar again, etc. shite that makes you more attractive, gives you confidence, takes your mind off of things. Changing a bunch of shite that caters to her and your crappy marriage is transparent. And it sets an unrealistic tone with her. I'm sure there's a fricking TON of shite she needs to fix and do differently too. Kissing her arse so she won't leave will do more harm than long term good
And worse case scenario, she leaves you. Deal with that then. But be well centered and have a life not dependent on her when that happens. Which you should have anyway. If she decides its over, 100% of your energy is gonna go to juggling your children , protecting your arse, going to work, and adjusting to all the change. If your head is all fricked up and youre not taking care of yourself shite will hit the fan. Hard
And besides. If she's not willing to see a shrink or marriage counselor, she's not putting the same value on your relationship as you are. Which is nowhere to start. This is a two man deal. Not 40/60. Not 49/51. 50 frickin 50
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