Welcome to the Mizzou board.

If its your first time here, welcome, I'll be your host through this. Hold on tight, and I hope your jimmies are clean and unrustled.

If you're here, and reading this, you have been admitted to the board, or your name is Porker. Either way, here's the deal.

Some of us that post actually are enrolled at ol' Mizzou, and then there are others who are valued alumni. Personally, I prefer valued alumni, they tend to have money. Get to know those folks, because they might make you rich someday. Or, at the very least, might be willing to bail you out of jail after a game.

Then there are posters like me, I didn't go to Mizzou, but, I grew up in Missouri, and to me, Mizzou was what I listened to on the radio on KMOX in the fall with my dad while he drank beer and made me clean up the basement. And for you KC people, well, I can't relate. I'm sure you had the radio and television growing up. Maybe even toilets and electricity. Just kidding, I know you had toilets, I remember taking a dump at a McDonalds in Blue Springs when I was 10.

The point is we all love Mizzou, and one thing I can assure you of, we've all questioned our fandom, just like you have, some of us more than others.

There are those of us who were there in 1960 when those dirty, unforgiven redleggers played an ineligible player and cost us a shot at the Mythical National Championship. I didn't cry when it happened, because I didn't exist, but I was pissed when I heard about that shite.

But, let's be honest, those folks are few and far between, because they are still trying to figure out how to log on. Sorry, Bogie. Don't take it personal.

The large majority of us, including the damn hippies from the 60's, fit into this group. We watched the Fifth Down on shitty over the air television, we gathered in our friends basements to watch Tyus Edney go the length of the floor, or we saw the kicked ball as it happened at Faurot Field. However, the final straw may have been the Orange Bowl snub. We are, and forever will be the Winstonologists of this group. What's that mean you say? We have a fatalistic attitude towards Mizzou sports. 2007 being the exception, that shite was awesome, but in and of itself, a prime example of Winstonology.

Then there are the youth, the future of our great state, and our University. You actually go to Mizzou. Maybe up to this point, everything is nonsense, because you signed up for something else, you signed up for what I never possibly dreamed for my favorite state, and for my favorite school. You go to Mizzou because the phrase, "We're from Missouri so hey, frick you!" Means more than a good night at Harpos, followed up by a Strech at The Diner.

It means your are a fricking Tiger, just like the rest of us. Welcome to the club kid. And for that matter, welcome to all of us. Welcome to those who have lived through the pain, welcome to those who have always wanted better for us, for Missouri. For the Tigers! This is our board!

We're from Missouri, so hey, frick You!

Now that that's out of the way...

Welcome to the Missouri Sports Board. Here's the deal...

Status quo on the whole kansas thing. It's still ok to hate them, however, be forwarned, just like before, there are those who will sign up here as MIZ fans only to be beakers, but don't worry, they'll disappear. We have people for that.

Around these parts anyone and everyone is fair game. We really don't have any true enemies like we did in the Big 12. There is one caveat however, we don't really have any allies yet. If you post something stupid on the rant. you might be alone. If there are no Mizzou folks to save you, given that you didn't go MS2 on the place, you might get lucky with an aTm poster, but even that Jizz Jar can kill you if you're not ready.

Plus, lets be honest, they have problems of their own right now.

It's best to tread lightly throughout your first one or eighty so posts. If you're scared, stay here. We have several folks that can help you hone your skills to kill it on the rant, but rest assured your opinion will always matter here on the Missouri Sports Board.

Next, if your curious whether or not we are rivals with Arkansas, I can assure you that, officially, Mike Slive has not designated us as such. However, in these parts, frick ARKANSAS. Except for the Cardinal fans from Arkansas. If you are a Royals fan, then have at them all. Once November flips around, all bets are off. We seem to not get along, AT ALL.

Seems strange right? Well, you're from fricking Missouri. Ever heard from anyone that lives along the Iowa border? Of course you haven't, and if you did he'd be some sort of corn human hybrid man. Weird fricks up there in corn land. If you happen to be a Northern Missourian, who doesnt like the B1G, welcome, you'll do just fine. Lets move on.

It's completely acceptable to accuse any school of paying their players. It's the goddamn, fricking SEC. Only Mizzou doesn't pay their players at this point. Hell, you think young 18 year old kids would move to Lexington for free? frick no.

Alabama is king shite around here, but lets be honest, it sure beats the hell out of the T-Sips telling you what to do. Plus they have won a championship or two. I guess they like to t-bag LSU fans, and destroy trees, but that's some of the fricked up southern shite that goes along with this whole thing. SEC!!

Yes, we chant that now. But you'll get chastised for doing it, because, well you're the new guy, rooting for the newest SEC team. It's ok, do it anyway.

Everyone else is cool, I guess. Ole Miss seems shady, and they have that guy on their basketball team that freebases or someshit. The ol' Ballcoach will only take program like USCe so far, Florida has jorts, and The Swamp. Mississippi State has their stupid arse cow bell, frick. Whatever.

Apparently, Tennessee has a bunch of bones underneath their stadium, I don't know what the frick that's all about. It's CSI Knoxville down there I guess.

Kentucky has basketball, oh and bourbon. Don't call it whiskey. frick, they'll jump all over you for that shite.

LSU has Death Valley, but personally, my favorite touch is The Neck. Seriously, google that shite. It'll make the hair on the back of your neck rise up.

I used to say "it will make the hair on the back of your neck stand up", but these southern frickers have taught me that your neck hair never stands up. That shite rises up. frick, you know what? I may have seen that on Swamp Loggers or something. But whatever, you know what I mean.

Who's left? Auburn. Well, they love them some Bo Jackson, but he played baseball in Missouri, so you should be good.

Vandy! Well frick, they beat us in our first year so I'm sure the one or two posters they have will never let you forget about it.

aTm, we kinda talked about them already. Two words Johnny Football. But if you're in a pinch just type "I hate T-Sips", someone will come to your aid. It's like the Batman sign for these guys. But be forewarned, there are some Klarvins out there that will have your arse for breakfast. You'll learn soon enough.

Finally, our first ever SEC foe. I'll never forget that game. It was shitty as hell. But, we played a tough three quarters. Anyway, they have hedges, that players run into, and I'm convinced, a Mizzou player will lose an eye because of this. Yep, if its gonna happen, it will happen to a Mizzou player.

All in all, that's pretty much it. If I forgot about a fan base, well frick. There's 14 fricking teams, you can figure out the rest.


That does it for me. I hope you enjoyed your Missouri Sports Board, SEC Rant primer. If you have any questions don't be afraid to ask.

Now, strap on your nut cup and or breast plate and welcome to the board.

P.S. We go Jumbo 'round here, and 60% of the time, it works everytime.