Meyer: Fellers, I’m not quite sure what to say. I guess I’d like to start out by saying I’m proud of each and every one of you, and I’d like to tell you that I’m really pleased with the effort I saw, the desire to win, and your total refusal to roll over and lose the game. I’d like to tell you that… but it’s all bull----. The polish is off the turd. You ----ers are make me sick.

Spikes: Say what???

Meyer: Sorry, got caught up in a moment of brutal honesty, and, you know, honesty’s really not my thing. I’m generally at my best when I’m lying my sorry arse off to players. But this isn’t recruiting, so…

Tebow: Coach, I just want to apologize for not winning the game.

Meyer: Gee, Timmy, that’s really swell, but, uhhh, take a quick look around the room and tell me what you see.

Tebow: Well, uhhh, I guess lockers… some dirty towels… uhhh… oh, and showers. I like showers!

Meyer: Notice anything else?

Tebow: Hmmm… several guys wearing Tim Tebow outfits?

Meyer: Those are uniforms.

Tebow: Right, Tim Tebow “uniforms.”

Meyer: Timmy, those are your teammates.

Tebow: Teammates?

Meyer: Yes, other players on the team.

Tebow: Team?

Meyer: Yes, Timmy. A functional unit of people working together for a common goal.

Tebow: You mean, like, getting Tim Tebow into the end zone?

Meyer: Like getting Florida into the win column, which, by the way, is something we’ve never done when trailing in the second half since you’ve been at Florida.

Tebow: I’m (sniff) sorry, Coach. You’re right (sniff sniff) and you’re such an awesome guy. No one will work harder to make us win, especially since we’re better than everyone else and deserve to win (sob). I’ll work harder to score and to run and to awkwardly heave the ball downfield. I’ll will us to…

Meyer: Save it for your worshippers, Timmy.

Tebow: I’m sorry.

Meyer: Whatever. Can anybody tell me what it takes to make a champion?

Tartt: Biscuits and mustard?

Meyer: What?

Tartt: Maybe some o’ them French-fried ’taters?

Meyer: Jim, go outside and dig a hole.

Tartt leaves the lockerroom.

Meyer: Somebody do me a favor and lock the door behind him.

Tebow: I’m sorry I didn’t lock the door. I promise to work hard to dig a better hole.

Meyer: Don’t be ridiculous Timmy. How could you dig a bigger hole than a fumble on our own 18, giving us back-to-back turnovers on consecutive plays?

Tebow: I hadn’t really thought about it that way.

Meyer: We didn’t recruit you to think.

Cooper: Can I wash my hair now?

Meyer: Shut the ---- up.

Pierre-Louis: At least it’s early in the season.

Meyer: What???

Pierre-Louis: It’s early in the season.

Meyer: (blink)

Pierre-Louis: I’m just sayin’… You know, it’s early in the season.

Meyer: (blink… blink blink)

Pierre-Louis: …so, you know, we still have time to…

Meyer: How are you even on this team?

Tebow: Team?

Meyer: Look, we just lost at home to Ole Miss. Ole Miss. And it’s not like there was a Manning at quarterback. It was that kid we told we were recruiting Tebow as a linebacker.

Doe: (chuckling) That was a good one!

Meyer: Shut the ---- up.

Doe: Sorry.

Tebow: Hey, that’s my line.

Meyer: Hey. Shut… the ----… up.

Tebow and Doe: Sorry.

Meyer: Has it occurred to any of you how embarrassing this is for me?

Harvin: For you? How do you think we feel?

Meyer: I dunno. How did you feel when you put the tater on the carpet on our 34 on the second play of the second half?

Harvin: Hey, I had 186 yards of offense.

Meyer: Goody gumdrops.

Harvin: Did it occur to you to maybe give me the ball when we needed one lousy yard?

Meyer: Do I need to remind you that I’m your coach?

Harvin: Do I need to remind you what I did to an official in high school?

Meyer: Simmer down, Percy.

Harvin: Don’t make me break this bad foot off in your arse.

Meyer: Save your foot; we might need it for extra points.

Tebow: I promise (sob) to work harder on extra points.

Meyer: Timmy, you don’t kick.

Tebow: Why not?

Meyer: We leave that to the kicker.

Tebow: Kicker?

Meyer: He’s one of your teammates.

Tebow: Teammates?

Meyer: Ye gods.

Pouncey: What now?

Meyer: Now we go to Arkansas.

Other Pouncey: To play Houston Nutt?

Meyer: No, that was Houston Nutt that beat us today.

Pouncey: So who’s beating us next week?

Meyer: We’re not losing next week!

Other Pouncey: How do you know?

Tebow: I’m going to will this team to victory.

Meyer: Timmy…

Tebow: Yes?

Meyer: SHUT THE ---- UP!

Tebow: Sorry.

Haden: You already said that.

Meyer: Holy ----. Do you realize that a mere 4 hours ago I was hailed as a genius? Now I have the same record as that school out west.

Rainey: FS…

Meyer: HEY! Don’t say it! You know I refuse to say or hear their name.

Rainey: Yeah, but we lost to an SEC team. They lost to Wake Forest.

Meyer: The SEC team that beat us lost to Wake Forest.

Rainey: Oh.

Meyer: Yeah.

Rainey: Dang, sometimes it’s not nice to be me.

Meyer: I know the feeling.