SEC_BASKETBALL_PREVIEW - SHOOTYHOOPS.EXE

SEC_PREVIEW_vChatterBoxOfTheSEC.build — FULL_LEAGUE

BOOT: MONDAY_MORNING_OVERRIDE.exe
MODE: PRESEASON_ROAST — FULL_RE-RUN + TARGETED JABS
DISPLAY: MONOCHROME_EMULATE — ONE LARGE EXEC BELOW

RANKS_CONFIRMED:
1 FLORIDA | 2 KENTUCKY | 3 ARKANSAS | 4 ALABAMA
5 TENNESSEE | 6 AUBURN | 7 MISSOURI | 8 MISSISSIPPI_STATE
9 OKLAHOMA |10 OLE_MISS |11 VANDY |12 TEXAS
13 TAMU |14 LSU |15 GEORGIA |16 S_CAROLINA

--- FULL LEAGUE RE-RUN: teams, players, coach-signature, projection, and sharper code-puns (now with requested jabs) ---

FLORIDA_GATORS.execute() {
RANK = 1
STARTERS = [Alex_Condon, Thomas_Haugh, Xavian_Lee, Boogie_Fland, Rueben_Chinyelu]
COACH = Todd_Golden
PROJECTION = { SEC:14-4, NCAA_seed:1-4 }
NOTES = "Depth + spacing -> conference favorite. Rotation combinations create a small discrete math problem for opponents."
// pun: Golden showers to undergrads leads to national titles?


KENTUCKY_WILDCATS.execute() {
RANK = 2
STARTERS = [Otega_Oweh, Jayden_Quaintance, Mouhamed_Dioubate, Jasper_Johnson, role_player]
COACH = Mark_Pope
PROJECTION = { SEC:13-5, NCAA_seed:2-6 }
NOTES = "Oweh = production constant; playmaking and late-game orchestration remain the unresolved issue."
// pun: Oweh carries the ledger like a legacy library — dependable and heavy.
// roast: Kentucky keeps selling hope like it's subscription software; same commercial break every March when they stall at the Sweet 16 'for years' trope.
// jab: Expect gorgeous regular-season bursts and yet another 'why'd we stop here' Sweet 16 narrative to haunt the calendar.
}


ARKANSAS_RAZORBACKS.execute() {
RANK = 3
STARTERS = [D_J_Wagner, Karter_Knox, Darius_Acuff, Meleek_Thomas, Malique_Ewin/Nick_Pringle]
COACH = John_Calipari
PROJECTION = { SEC:12-6, NCAA_seed:3-7 }
NOTES = "Backcourt punch + interior options; Trevon_Brazile_health flips season-mode."
// roast: Razorbacks' fanbase ordered top-tier expectations; keep the extinguisher app handy—this thing runs hot or crashes midseason.
}


ALABAMA_CRIMSON_TIDE.execute() {
RANK = 4
STARTERS = [Labaron_Philon, Latrell_Wrightsell, Aden_Holloway, Aiden_Sherrell, role_big]
COACH = Nate_Oats
PROJECTION = { SEC:12-6, NCAA_seed:6-9 }
NOTES = "Offense still hums; rebounding and rim protection are conditional checks."
// pun: Their spacing is an IKEA catalog; problem is someone keeps borrowing the cushions (rebounds).
// roast: Tide will outscore mistakes until the glass files a restraining order. Clean the boards, then enjoy the fireworks.


TENNESSEE_VOLUNTEERS.execute() {
RANK = 5
STARTERS = [JaKobi_Gillespie, Nate_Ament, Felix_Okpara, JP_Estrella, Cade_Phillips]
COACH = Rick_Barnes
PROJECTION = { SEC:12-6, NCAA_seed:6-9 }
NOTES = "Defense-first identity; offense = efficient beige. Reliable and boring in equal measure — works for seeding, not highlight reels."
// pun: Barnes.compile(defense()) => consistent; offense.run() => 'paint-by-numbers efficiency'.
// roast: They'll grind opponents into low-scoring spreadsheets and then lull you out of March madness excitement — Final Four? LOL never.
}

AUBURN_TIGERS.execute() {
RANK = 6
STARTERS = [Tahaad_Pettiford, Keyshawn_Hall, KeShawn_Murphy, Abdul_Bashir, Elyjah_Freeman]
COACH = Steven_Pearl
PROJECTION = { SEC:9-9, Postseason: NCAA_seed:6-9 }
NOTES = "90% of production turned over; Pettiford is the lone continuity node."
// pun: StevenPearl.inherits(legacyRepo()); must choose: refactorBruce() or forkBruce().
// roast: Nepo-hire alert — he inherits dad's highlight reel and all the comparison bugs. If he fails, fans will blame version control, not poor code.
// jab: Hiring the coach's son is a faith-based UX test; watch the commit history closely.
}


MISSOURI_TIGERS.execute() {
RANK = 7
STARTERS = [Anthony_Robinson_II, Mark_Mitchell, Sebastian_Mack, Jacob_Crews, supporting_big]
COACH = Dennis_Gates
PROJECTION = { SEC:10-8, NCAA_seed:7-11 }
NOTES = "Continuity = reliable floor; outside shooting dictates ceiling."
// pun: Missouri plays so fast they sometimes outrun their own playbook — fun until the GPS recalculates.
// roast: If self-sabotage were a stat, they'd lead the conference — expect the occasional loss to lower seeds and late-game brain freezes.
// jab: Gates teams either don't win a conference game or lose to a lower seed.


MISSISSIPPI_STATE_BULLDOGS.execute() {
RANK = 8
STARTERS = [Josh_Hubbard, Jayden_Epps, Achor_Achor, Quincy_Ballard, rotation_big]
COACH = Chris_Jans
PROJECTION = { SEC:9-9, Postseason: bubble/NIT }
NOTES = "Hubbard = load-bearing scorer; supporting cast needs to move from portal hope to reliable output."
// pun: Hubbard delivers buckets like mail — sometimes late, often insured.
// roast: Starkville trivia: pride in defense, celebration of effort, and a tournament-win drought that feels like 'forever' — fans joke they've been waiting 'like 25 years' for a big March whoop.
// jab: If the Bulldogs want to end the long tournament game drought, someone needs to invent better late-clock outcomes than 'we tried' messages.
}


OKLAHOMA_SOONERS.execute() {
RANK = 9
STARTERS = [Xzayvier_Brown, Nijel_Pack, Tae_Davis, Derrion_Reid, Mohamed_Wague]
COACH = Porter_Moser
PROJECTION = { SEC:9-9, Postseason: Bubble }
NOTES = "Backcourt efficiency strong; frontcourt development is the gating factor."
// pun: Guards are dependable Wi-Fi; bigs are the occasional 'please reconnect' prompt.
// roast: Good possessions followed by polite petitions for paint help. Bigs, please log in to adulthood.
}


OLE_MISS_REBELS.execute() {
RANK = 10
STARTERS = [Malik_Dia, Eduardo_Klafke, AJ_Stoor, Nico_Bundalo, role_big]
COACH = Chris_Beard
PROJECTION = { SEC:8-10, Postseason: Bubble}
NOTES = "Beard flips roster; early production required to buy patience."
// pun: Beard.flipRoster() = pancake_mode(); some flips golden, some stick to the pan.
// roast: Oxford will celebrate the highlights and then loudly ask for consistency metrics during the next coffee break.
}


VANDERBILT_COMMODORES.execute() {
RANK = 11
STARTERS = [Devin_McGlockton, Tyler_Nickel, Tyler_Tanner, AK_Okereke, Frankie_Collins]
COACH = Mark_Byington
PROJECTION = { SEC:8-10, Postseason: Bubble }
NOTES = "Shooter depth = real asset; interior defense needs stabilizing or stylish losses pile up."
// pun: Vandy launches so many threes they could run their own precipitation model.
// roast: If the bigs stop leaking boards, this playlist goes platinum. Until then, it's a very pretty draft that loses close games.
}