Went down to auburn!

to check out some trees and what I found there will not please.

Deciding to get a bite to eat, The Depot seemed like the nicest place they had to offer. The seafood smelled like a meth hooker's aroma wafting into a gas station's propped open front door.

The drinks tasted like the water in a sink's hair trap smells like.

Everything was awful. The buffoon customers all had on shoddy, faded out, dilapidated auburn gear. Of course, they all seemed queer.

Refusing to eat the food presented or the drinks offered, I told the wife to head for the car and I walked her there so she would not be attacked by some rabid, inbred geek in the parking lot.

I had to leave her there and return to take a piss. Big mistake. There were signs on the wall saying that real men sit to pee everywhere a urinal seemed like it used to be.

Needless to say, I wasn't about to step into a stall full of round holes just to pee, so out the door I flee. Leaving the bathroom, on the door, was I another sign I didn't initially see. It said:

Do you love and believe in auburn like me? Are you a country hick aristocrat or an unsophisticated Bammer rat?

An ominous feeling of danger overcame me as I crossed the threshold of the front door heading back to the car, and I saw a herd of auburn men leering at the wife from the bar.

I'll never go to auburn, Alabama, again. I don't believe in it or love it.

That place is creepy as hell.

I'm new here and it's nice to meet all of you.