Started By
Message
Bama fan pens letter to Jay Jacobs applying for Auburn OC job opening
Posted on 1/12/17 at 10:40 am
Posted on 1/12/17 at 10:40 am
This guy has written these letters for many of the major HC or coordinator openings over the last few years. And he actually sends the AD these letters via E-mail. His one to LSU was featured on some news outlets.
To those who are looking to waste some time today at work or otherwise, and looking for some good laughs, this guy's work is always solid and hilarious. Here are the links.
Here is his letter to Joe Alleva from September
"Letter to whoever reads Coach Saban's emails"
Letter to Oregon AD
Letter to Miami AD
Letter to Southern Cal AD
Letter to Maryland AD
Letter to Barry Alvarez of Wisconsin
Letters to Michigan, Nebraska, Florida, & CSU in one thread
Letter to Oregon State AD
quote:
Mr. Jacobs,
How’s it hanging, JJ? It’s been a little while since I last reached out, but I am here to help you out of a jam. I understand that the Auburn Family is looking for a new step-dad in the form of an offensive coordinator. Now please understand that I am not excited about this job at all, JJ. As a matter of fact, I would rather participate in lengthy sexual congress with a hornet’s nest than coach at Auburn. That being said, I consider you a friend, and I am willing to help you out. Also, I have a significant gambling debt that I need to clear right away for the sake of my kneecaps, my children's kneecaps, and any potential kneecaps that might belong to my grandchildren. Break out that checkbook and keep it down home, cuz. It’s time for a middle school assistant to coach at Auburn.
JJ, I understand that it hurts to lose someone like you lost Rhett. I can relate. My first wife left me for a Huskie just like Rhett left you. The only difference was that the Huskie my wife left me for probably couldn’t find his milkbone, if you know what I mean. It sucks to lose someone like that, but I am here for you, buddy. Auburn has their high school head coach, so it is only right that they hire a middle school OC. I am sure that you have heard of them, but allow me to point out that I was named “Mr. Congeniality” by the Etowah County Middle School Assistant Coaches Association (ECMSACA).
JJ, I will bring a new approach to the Auburn offense. During the past middle school football season, which finished 6-1, we managed to average 1 quarterback per snap. I plan on bringing this approach to the Plains. I also managed to teach nutrition to my players as well. I emphasize the importance of proper calcium intake. I figure Sean White is only a few gallons of moo juice away from playing an entire game. I also plan on emphasizing the most offensive aspect of John Franklin III: his personality. I will be splicing clips from “Last Chance U” into the game film, so that opposing players are naturally drawn away from JF3. I believe this will open running lanes.
My final approach for the Auburn offense will be to INSTALL PICK PLAYS SINCE OBVIOUSLY NO ONE CALLS THOSE DURING FOOTBALL GAMES ANY MORE AND WE CAN JUST DO WHATEVER WE WANT TO DO AND THE RULES DON’T APPLY AND NOTHING MAKES SENSE AND I GUESS I’LL JUST STRAP A DAMN JETPACK TO THE QUARTERBACK AND LET HIM FLY INTO THE ENDZONE SINCE WE DON’T CARE ABOUT FOLLOWING THE RULES THE WAY THAT GOD, POP WARNER, AND PAUL WILLIAM BRYANT INTENDED AND….sorry, JJ. It’s been a rough week.
In closing, hire me. I need this, you need this, and my potential grandchildren need this. I look forward to climbing on the Gus Bus. I can’t legally drive it, since my CDL was revoked due to playing Pokemon Go while driving, but I’ll be glad to have a seat. I met me second wife at a Waffle House, and I guess that number 3 might as well be from there too.
I look forward to hearing from you,
Troy Elliott
To those who are looking to waste some time today at work or otherwise, and looking for some good laughs, this guy's work is always solid and hilarious. Here are the links.
Here is his letter to Joe Alleva from September
"Letter to whoever reads Coach Saban's emails"
Letter to Oregon AD
Letter to Miami AD
Letter to Southern Cal AD
Letter to Maryland AD
Letter to Barry Alvarez of Wisconsin
Letters to Michigan, Nebraska, Florida, & CSU in one thread
Letter to Oregon State AD
Posted on 1/12/17 at 10:43 am to Tuscaloosa
Thank you Phyllis for regaling to us that wonderful tale
Posted on 1/12/17 at 10:45 am to AshleySchaeffer
quote:
Thank you Phyllis for regaling to us that wonderful tale
No problem. I also included the links to the rest of his letters. All hilarious. Enjoy.
Posted on 1/12/17 at 10:47 am to Tuscaloosa
nice to include a little post NCG melt into his lil bro'ing
Posted on 1/12/17 at 10:52 am to NYCAuburn
quote:
nice to include a little post NCG melt
That was my favorite part
quote:
into his lil bro'ing
He's done it for pretty much every major job opening since 2014. Auburn isn't special.
Posted on 1/12/17 at 10:59 am to Tuscaloosa
if only this douche canoe were half as clever as he thought himself to be. these letters suck and you deserve herpes of the eyeball for putting this here.
Posted on 1/12/17 at 11:00 am to Tuscaloosa
quote:
He's done it for pretty much every major job opening since 2014
agreed, but its not the act but the content...
Posted on 1/12/17 at 11:04 am to Tuscaloosa
I only read the Auburn one but that was terrible. Good premise, horrible execution.
Posted on 1/12/17 at 11:08 am to AUTiger45
quote:
if only this douche canoe were half as clever as he thought himself to be. these letters suck and you deserve herpes of the eyeball for putting this here.
Don't be a butthurt little pussy. Read the others if you need some perspective and a laugh or two. shite, I included a screenshot of the LSU one that practically went viral. You're welcome.
Posted on 1/12/17 at 11:20 am to Tuscaloosa
I bet your entire 5th grade class thought it was hilarious huh. probably a little too deep for the gump board. I can see why you would feel compelled to post it here. still doesnt make it funny in the least. yes, only a butt hurt pussy would find these letters to be stupid. youre a real brain trust arent ya sparky.
Posted on 1/12/17 at 11:23 am to AUTiger45
quote:
you deserve herpes of the eyeball for putting this here.
That's a little much. Maybe a stye , pink eye or salt.
Posted on 1/12/17 at 11:24 am to AUTiger45
quote:
I bet your entire 5th grade class thought it was hilarious huh. probably a little too deep for the gump board. I can see why you would feel compelled to post it here. still doesnt make it funny in the least. yes, only a butt hurt pussy would find these letters to be stupid. youre a real brain trust arent ya sparky
Boy you sure let that letter get under your skin. I don't know why. It's pretty funny.
Posted on 1/12/17 at 11:36 am to Tuscaloosa
The letter isn't really very funny...too bad, he had a clever idea, just couldn't seem to close the deal.
I mean, he started off strong in the first and second paragraphs-mostly-but by the third it was obvious he was running out of gas, and in the fourth, in spite of one really snappy dig near the end, it was just sad to watch.
With all the grammar and syntax violations throughout (and there were a BUNCH of those) looks like the editors missed a few key miscues, but it didn't make any difference by that point anyway.
I mean, he started off strong in the first and second paragraphs-mostly-but by the third it was obvious he was running out of gas, and in the fourth, in spite of one really snappy dig near the end, it was just sad to watch.
With all the grammar and syntax violations throughout (and there were a BUNCH of those) looks like the editors missed a few key miscues, but it didn't make any difference by that point anyway.
Posted on 1/12/17 at 11:39 am to 19
quote:
With all the grammar and syntax violations throughout (and there were a BUNCH of those) looks like the editors missed a few key miscues, but it didn't make any difference by that point anyway.
Pretty sure most of that is intentional and part of the humor. Also pretty sure you took the entire idea way too seriously.
ETA: It's also not as if there are a team of editors writing these. It's a middle school defensive coordinator that does it for entertainment. Relax and enjoy.
This post was edited on 1/12/17 at 11:43 am
Posted on 1/12/17 at 12:23 pm to Tuscaloosa
Shouldn't he write the coach that's making the hire
Posted on 1/12/17 at 12:27 pm to NYCAuburn
quote:
nice to include a little post NCG melt into his lil bro'ing
Auburn did the most lil bro thing of ALL TIMEEEEEEEEEEEEE OF ALL TIMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Posted on 1/12/17 at 12:27 pm to Tuscaloosa
quote:
. I will be splicing clips from “Last Chance U” into the game film, so that opposing players are naturally drawn away from JF3. I believe this will open running lanes.
That right there is funny. I don't care who you are.
Posted on 1/12/17 at 12:29 pm to AUTiger45
quote:
I bet your entire 5th grade class thought it was hilarious huh. probably a little too deep for the gump board. I can see why you would feel compelled to post it here. still doesnt make it funny in the least. yes, only a butt hurt pussy would find these letters to be stupid. youre a real brain trust arent ya sparky.
he's the butthurt one huh?
Posted on 1/12/17 at 3:45 pm to thatdude1985
Bump for the enjoyment of the afternoon/evening crew
Back to top
Follow SECRant for SEC Football News