Mike VII is a sleeper cell

Beunos dias to all you knock kneed uncle suckers,

On behalf of the Ashley Schaeffer Kia Dealership, I must inform you that the Mike the Tiger VII is a sleeper cell and the time is nigh.

Mike VII, a beautiful cat, was raised near the Kissimmee River in a remote section of the state, wild and wonderful Glades County. I doubt most of you could read a map however to locate this place, as it is a strong hold against the yankees and carpet baggers that plague our fair state.

Our media team after being cleared of gun charges, extortion, prostitution, money laundering with trace levels of cocaine dust, and other false allegations was the first to report of the location and birthplace of this new Mike. All of the SEC (as they should) celebrated this news as the truly sad passing of Mike VI gripped the scholarly epicenter of debate and culture, tRant.

However, I have been told by many sauces that Mike VII is secretly working for the CIA to topple LSU in this week's contest between the Swamp Kittens and the Fighting Gators of Florida. While all of you corndogs were sucking boudin the long way, both ways, Mike VII was wearing a wire and feeding information to Billy Slingblade. This has been happening since the middle of last season, when the Tigers were starting to gain momentum with Cornpone Kelly, inevitably losing in Gainesville last year. How else could this happen with Sun Belt Billy calling plays?

I only say this because it is too late to change course for the Tigers. The plan is in action. The motion of the ocean is in the bottle. The only way out is to take a whiskey trip, sail on down to old Key West and watch the sun fall in the sea. They're holding hands in a circle out there, watching the skies turn Okeechobee purple, I swear.






On a serious note, the previous owner of Mike VII is a certified POS and lost his license to house wildlife after numerous Florida Fish and Wildlife investigations. I am glad that Mike was able to get away from this a-hole and I know that he is living the absolute best life now. His brother and sister are alive, but did not live in the best of circumstances.

Guilty Verdict in Wildlife Case

He was also in a battle with the landowners and was eventually evicted from the property.