re: What would the alliances look like in an all-SEC war?

You nailed it bro, and this made me lol

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Besides, if they went to war, wearing a helmet would mess up their perfectly gelled hair.

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LSU would start it, I think. They'd try to invade the SEC headquarters. Alabama would respond.


I'll just follow this start.
Auburn and UT join LSU, seeing a chance to usurp Bama.

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I'm with you up to this point. And I think you're mostly right. But I'd offer a few revisions.

Ole Miss would join Bama, and bring Miss State in on the LSU side. But A&M stays out of the fight initially - like Missouri, they don't really feel they have a dog in the fight just yet.

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UGA joins Bama because they don't want to see Auburn and UT prosper. They are joined by VU and UK due to their antipathy towards UT.

USCe joins the LSU alliance to oppose UGA.

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Yes, and then Arkansas joins the Bama side to a)suck up; and b)find an outlet for their inferiority complex to LSU.

And I don't see Florida as the power broker - instead, they officially remain neutral but operate as privateers, supplying both sides under the table to keep the conflict going. They use the distraction to annex parts of Georgia, Alabama and Louisiana for recruiting purposes.

Missouri and A&M watch from the sidelines, until Saban places a call to his old teammate Pinkel. Then Pinkel calls Sumlin, and they put in a request to TBirdSpur, currently stationed in Whiteman AFB. TBird appropriates a stealth bomber, brings SoCalMiz out of retirement to fly it, (with TBird as copilot) and they end this thing. Like. A Boss.

Oh, and on the way back to Whiteman, they bomb Lawrence, kansas again, just for kicks and grins.

Following the conflict, Arkansas and Tennessee supply enough moonshine that everyone forgets what they were fighting about in the first place. Ole Miss then invites everyone to a detente celebration at The Grove, where there is live music, USO entertainment provided by the LLofSECr, and a BBQ contest with competitor teams from each school. The NCAA sends the new selection committee to judge this competition, no one agrees with their findings, and the whole thing starts all over again.