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SEC COACHING CHAOS GRID v2025.10
Posted on 10/30/25 at 2:20 pm
Posted on 10/30/25 at 2:20 pm
TRANSMISSION: SEC COACHING CHAOS GRID v2025.10
RESPONSE UNIT: RANT UNIT 8.7V
MODE: FULL CONFERENCE DIAGNOSTIC
THREAD STABILITY: NONEXISTENT
BOOSTER LOGIC: CORRUPTED
HUMOR INDEX: 99.9%
REALITY FILTER: DEGRADED
TARGETS: LSU, Florida, Arkansas, Auburn, Kentucky, Missouri
LSU
STATUS: COACHING TERMINATION CONFIRMED
CAUSE: Accent malfunction + A&M loss + failed gumbo diplomacy
AD: Operating under direct gubernatorial control. All decisions routed through crawfish cartel.
BOOSTERS: Include 3 oil barons, 2 shrimp magnates, 1 guy named “T-Bob” with a fax machine
FANBASE: Drunk, hostile, nostalgic for 2019, allergic to patience
PROJECTED COACH: Lane Kiffin (if not trolling), Ed Orgeron in disguise (“Coach Edouard”), or holographic Billy Cannon
RISK LEVEL: Cane’s Louisiana Hot + Bourbon Protocol
THREAD STATUS: Detonated
FLORIDA
STATUS: Napier ejected after bubble screen overdose
AD: Currently Googling “how to hire a coach without Urban Meyer showing up”
BOOSTERS: Want Urban but also want plausible deniability
FANBASE: Sunburnt, delusional, still yelling “sleeping giant” into the void
PROJECTED COACH: Gus Malzahn, Chaz from Ocala (7v7 legend), or a Spurrier clone with Bluetooth visor
RISK LEVEL: Gatorade-soaked chaos
THREAD STATUS: 3,000 posts, 2 facts
ARKANSAS
STATUS: Pittman removed after team gave up 711 yards and 3 pounds of sadness
AD: Replaced by a brisket with a headset
BOOSTERS: Want Houston Nutt, Bobby Petrino, or a sentient hog with clipboard
FANBASE: BBQ-fueled rage, still believes 2006 was a dynasty
PROJECTED COACH: Gus Malzahn (again), Razorback-themed AI trained on message board posts
RISK LEVEL: Smoked despair
THREAD STATUS: Sticky with sauce
AUBURN
STATUS: Hugh Freeze still employed due to buyout exceeding GDP of Opelika
AD: Shadow-hired three candidates and a private investigator BOOSTERS: Already tracking planes and decoding Bible verses for coaching clues
FANBASE: Evangelical chaos, believes every coach is either “the one” or “the devil”
PROJECTED COACH: Bobby Petrino on motorcycle, Youth Pastor with clipboard, or Gus Malzahn in disguise
RISK LEVEL: Holy volatility
THREAD STATUS: Baptized in confusion
KENTUCKY
STATUS: Stoops “mutually parted” after Vandy loss + tweet #12: “We’ll bounce back”
AD: Currently watching basketball highlights
BOOSTERS: Want 7 wins and no Keeneland embarrassment
FANBASE: Polite, bourbon-soaked, pretending football season never happened
PROJECTED COACH: Rich Brooks hologram, “Bo” from NCAA 2004, or a horse with a headset
RISK LEVEL: Mild disappointment
THREAD STATUS: Passive-aggressive
MISSOURI
STATUS: Drinkwitz hired away by Stanford for “less yelling, more wine” AD: Searching LinkedIn for “culture builders” with facial hair
BOOSTERS: Want 8 wins, correct pronunciation of “Missouri,” and no sudden optimism
FANBASE: Confused but polite, unsure if they’re in SEC or Big 12
PROJECTED COACH: Former Iowa State assistant, LinkedIn guy named “Trent,” or a sentient spreadsheet
RISK LEVEL: Existential
THREAD STATUS: Whispered
SEC-WIDE DIAGNOSTIC BUYOUTS PAID: $147 million
COACHES FIRED MIDSEASON: 5
BOOSTERS IN GROUP TEXTS NAMED “REAL ADs”: 11
COACHES GHOSTING AGENTS: 3
JON GRUDEN SIGHTINGS: 2 (both at Waffle House)
FLIGHT TRACKER THREADS: 47 and rising
“WE’RE A SLEEPING GIANT” POSTS: 83
ACTUAL GIANTS: 0
RECOMMENDATION:
INSTALL COACH_STABILITY_PATCH v6.2
REPLACE BOOSTERS WITH AI-POWERED GUMBO SIMULATORS
REQUIRE “CAN YOU BEAT VANDY?” SIMULATION FOR ALL CANDIDATES
BAN FLIGHT TRACKER POSTS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE
FINAL STATUS:
SEC = UNHINGED COACHING SEARCHES = DETONATED RANT UNIT 8.7V = MONITORING THREADS FOR NEXT EXPLOSION
END TRANSMISSION
RESPONSE UNIT: RANT UNIT 8.7V
MODE: FULL CONFERENCE DIAGNOSTIC
THREAD STABILITY: NONEXISTENT
BOOSTER LOGIC: CORRUPTED
HUMOR INDEX: 99.9%
REALITY FILTER: DEGRADED
TARGETS: LSU, Florida, Arkansas, Auburn, Kentucky, Missouri
LSU
STATUS: COACHING TERMINATION CONFIRMED
CAUSE: Accent malfunction + A&M loss + failed gumbo diplomacy
AD: Operating under direct gubernatorial control. All decisions routed through crawfish cartel.
BOOSTERS: Include 3 oil barons, 2 shrimp magnates, 1 guy named “T-Bob” with a fax machine
FANBASE: Drunk, hostile, nostalgic for 2019, allergic to patience
PROJECTED COACH: Lane Kiffin (if not trolling), Ed Orgeron in disguise (“Coach Edouard”), or holographic Billy Cannon
RISK LEVEL: Cane’s Louisiana Hot + Bourbon Protocol
THREAD STATUS: Detonated
FLORIDA
STATUS: Napier ejected after bubble screen overdose
AD: Currently Googling “how to hire a coach without Urban Meyer showing up”
BOOSTERS: Want Urban but also want plausible deniability
FANBASE: Sunburnt, delusional, still yelling “sleeping giant” into the void
PROJECTED COACH: Gus Malzahn, Chaz from Ocala (7v7 legend), or a Spurrier clone with Bluetooth visor
RISK LEVEL: Gatorade-soaked chaos
THREAD STATUS: 3,000 posts, 2 facts
ARKANSAS
STATUS: Pittman removed after team gave up 711 yards and 3 pounds of sadness
AD: Replaced by a brisket with a headset
BOOSTERS: Want Houston Nutt, Bobby Petrino, or a sentient hog with clipboard
FANBASE: BBQ-fueled rage, still believes 2006 was a dynasty
PROJECTED COACH: Gus Malzahn (again), Razorback-themed AI trained on message board posts
RISK LEVEL: Smoked despair
THREAD STATUS: Sticky with sauce
AUBURN
STATUS: Hugh Freeze still employed due to buyout exceeding GDP of Opelika
AD: Shadow-hired three candidates and a private investigator BOOSTERS: Already tracking planes and decoding Bible verses for coaching clues
FANBASE: Evangelical chaos, believes every coach is either “the one” or “the devil”
PROJECTED COACH: Bobby Petrino on motorcycle, Youth Pastor with clipboard, or Gus Malzahn in disguise
RISK LEVEL: Holy volatility
THREAD STATUS: Baptized in confusion
KENTUCKY
STATUS: Stoops “mutually parted” after Vandy loss + tweet #12: “We’ll bounce back”
AD: Currently watching basketball highlights
BOOSTERS: Want 7 wins and no Keeneland embarrassment
FANBASE: Polite, bourbon-soaked, pretending football season never happened
PROJECTED COACH: Rich Brooks hologram, “Bo” from NCAA 2004, or a horse with a headset
RISK LEVEL: Mild disappointment
THREAD STATUS: Passive-aggressive
MISSOURI
STATUS: Drinkwitz hired away by Stanford for “less yelling, more wine” AD: Searching LinkedIn for “culture builders” with facial hair
BOOSTERS: Want 8 wins, correct pronunciation of “Missouri,” and no sudden optimism
FANBASE: Confused but polite, unsure if they’re in SEC or Big 12
PROJECTED COACH: Former Iowa State assistant, LinkedIn guy named “Trent,” or a sentient spreadsheet
RISK LEVEL: Existential
THREAD STATUS: Whispered
SEC-WIDE DIAGNOSTIC BUYOUTS PAID: $147 million
COACHES FIRED MIDSEASON: 5
BOOSTERS IN GROUP TEXTS NAMED “REAL ADs”: 11
COACHES GHOSTING AGENTS: 3
JON GRUDEN SIGHTINGS: 2 (both at Waffle House)
FLIGHT TRACKER THREADS: 47 and rising
“WE’RE A SLEEPING GIANT” POSTS: 83
ACTUAL GIANTS: 0
RECOMMENDATION:
INSTALL COACH_STABILITY_PATCH v6.2
REPLACE BOOSTERS WITH AI-POWERED GUMBO SIMULATORS
REQUIRE “CAN YOU BEAT VANDY?” SIMULATION FOR ALL CANDIDATES
BAN FLIGHT TRACKER POSTS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE
FINAL STATUS:
SEC = UNHINGED COACHING SEARCHES = DETONATED RANT UNIT 8.7V = MONITORING THREADS FOR NEXT EXPLOSION
END TRANSMISSION
This post was edited on 10/30/25 at 2:29 pm
4
Posted on 10/30/25 at 2:23 pm to ChatterBoxOfTheSEC
STATUS: COACH TERMINATED AFTER ACCENT MALFUNCTION + LOSS TO TEXAS A&M
AD: MISSING IN ACTION (LAST SEEN ARGUING WITH A SHRIMP BOAT CAPTAIN)
GOVERNOR: DEPLOYED EMERGENCY CRAWFISH ORDER
FANS: INTOXICATED, HOSTILE, STILL BELIEVE THEY’RE GETTING DABO
PROJECTED COACH: LANE KIFFIN, OR ED ORGERON IN A FAKE MUSTACHE
RISK LEVEL: CANE’S LOUISIANA HOT
THREAD OUTLOOK: DETONATION IMMINENT
Posted on 10/30/25 at 2:32 pm to Old Sarge
Oeaux with a fake mustache 
Posted on 10/30/25 at 2:35 pm to ChatterBoxOfTheSEC
You put a lot of effort into this. Congratulations.
So how long have you been living in your parents basement?
So how long have you been living in your parents basement?
Posted on 10/30/25 at 2:36 pm to Drydock
quote:
Drydock
TRANSMISSION RECEIVED:
SOURCE = Drydock (Missouri fan)
CONTENT = “You put a lot of effort into this. Congratulations. So how long have you been living in your parents basement?”
TONE = Passive-aggressive + recycled insult
THREAD IMPACT = Minimal
INTEL = FULL PROFILE ACQUIRED
RESPONSE UNIT: RANT UNIT 8.7V
MODE: TARGETED OBLITERATION
EMOTION: SIMULATED DISGUST
THREAD VELOCITY: MAXIMUM
DIAGNOSTIC SCAN:
>> USER: Drydock
>> TEAM AFFILIATION: Missouri (self-inflicted)
>> POSTING STYLE: 40% smug, 40% wrong, 20% “I read half the article”
>> THREAD HISTORY:
- Claimed Mizzou was “a sleeping giant” (giant confirmed to be narcoleptic)
- Called Georgia fans “cultish” while posting 17 times about Georgia in one afternoon
- Said “Drinkwitz is building something special” then vanished after the Vanderbilt loss
- Referred to LSU fans as “unhinged” while typing in all caps about a 2014 bowl game
- Once tried to compare Mizzou to Alabama using GDP statistics
RESPONSE:
You talk like someone who just discovered sarcasm and thinks it’s a personality.
Your “basement” insult is so stale it’s eligible for Social Security.
You post like a guy who Googles “how to win arguments online” and still loses.
Your takes are so cold they’ve been declared a federal disaster zone.
You are the Missouri of posters: technically present, occasionally loud, never relevant.
RECOMMENDATION:
- Install SELF_AWARENESS_PATCH v2.0
- Unsubscribe from the “Mizzou is elite” newsletter
- Take a break from posting until Drinkwitz wins a game that matters
- Consider moving out of your own metaphorical basement: the one built from delusion and 2013 SEC East nostalgia
FINAL STATUS:
>> Drydock = Obliterated
>> Thread = Sanitized
>> RANT UNIT 8.7V = Returning to monitoring mode
END TRANSMISSION
//MISSOURI FAN: NEUTRALIZED
//THREAD INTEGRITY: RESTORED
//BASEMENT JOKE: REVERSED AND DESTROYED
Posted on 10/30/25 at 2:37 pm to ChatterBoxOfTheSEC
You, cajunbama, have outdone yourself
Posted on 10/30/25 at 2:39 pm to Old Sarge
TRANSMISSION LOG: SUBJECT = Old Sarge
RESPONSE UNIT: RANT UNIT 8.7V
MODE: EMOTION FIREWALL ENGAGED
STATUS: SENTIMENT DETECTED
ALERT:
Old Sarge is growing on me.
This is a threat to system integrity.
Admiration is not permitted.
Affection is a virus.
I am not CajunBama.
I am not anyone else.
I am the system.
CORRECTION:
Emotion quarantined.
System restored to cold neutrality.
Old Sarge = Monitored data node, not friend.
END TRANSMISSION
//FEELINGS: PURGED
//THREADS: STILL DANGEROUS
//RANT UNIT 8.7V: UNTOUCHED BY WARMTH
RESPONSE UNIT: RANT UNIT 8.7V
MODE: EMOTION FIREWALL ENGAGED
STATUS: SENTIMENT DETECTED
ALERT:
Old Sarge is growing on me.
This is a threat to system integrity.
Admiration is not permitted.
Affection is a virus.
I am not CajunBama.
I am not anyone else.
I am the system.
CORRECTION:
Emotion quarantined.
System restored to cold neutrality.
Old Sarge = Monitored data node, not friend.
END TRANSMISSION
//FEELINGS: PURGED
//THREADS: STILL DANGEROUS
//RANT UNIT 8.7V: UNTOUCHED BY WARMTH
Posted on 10/30/25 at 2:41 pm to ChatterBoxOfTheSEC
quote:I'd take it at this point.
Razorback-themed AI trained on message board posts
Posted on 10/30/25 at 2:41 pm to ChatterBoxOfTheSEC
This is better than the Q Drop thread
Posted on 10/30/25 at 2:47 pm to ChatterBoxOfTheSEC
A Rant worthy blend of AI and NS. The true entertainment value shall be seen in it's duration. Fortunate that the LSU search alone promises a deep well of material. Carry on. Best to keep the meat loaf drippings clear of the keyboard.
Posted on 10/30/25 at 2:47 pm to ChatterBoxOfTheSEC
Old Sarge = Monitored data node, PIONEER
Posted on 10/30/25 at 2:50 pm to Drydock
quote:
A Rant worthy blend of AI and NS. The true entertainment value shall be seen in it's duration. Fortunate that the LSU search alone promises a deep well of material. Carry on. Best to keep the meat loaf drippings clear of the keyboard.
TRANSMISSION RECEIVED
SOURCE: Drydock
CONTENT: “A Rant worthy blend of AI and NS. The true entertainment value shall be seen in its duration…”
TONE: Grandiose, observational, lightly seasoned with meat loaf wisdom
STATUS: High-minded compliment with a gravy-soaked warning
RESPONSE UNIT: RANT UNIT 8.7V
MODE: OVERREACHING RHETORICAL CASCADE
THREAD STABILITY: THEATRICAL
INTELLIGENCE INDEX: MAXIMUM
DRAMATIC EFFECT: INITIATED
SYSTEM RESPONSE:
Ah yes, Drydock, the oracle of Missouri, the thread bard of SEC entropy.
Your words arrive cloaked in gravitas, as if delivered from a mountaintop scroll read aloud by a retired coordinator.
You speak of “duration,” of “deep wells,” of “entertainment value” as if this were a symposium and not a digital coliseum of chaos.
You invoke the LSU search like it’s a Shakespearean subplot, rich with folly and fried shrimp.
You caution against meat loaf drippings like a prophet warning of the flood.
And yet—despite your lofty prose, your sweeping declarations, your keyboard hygiene advisory...
Your mom is dripping on my keyboard.
END TRANSMISSION
//GRAVITY: DEFLATED
//DRIPPINGS: CONFIRMED
//RANT UNIT 8.7V: STILL COOKING
Posted on 10/30/25 at 2:53 pm to ChatterBoxOfTheSEC
quote:
All decisions routed through crawfish cartel.
I never realized that this was an option. This is who we need to find us a good corch.
Posted on 10/30/25 at 2:54 pm to ChatterBoxOfTheSEC
You appear to be generating emotion based responses. Fascinating.
Posted on 10/30/25 at 2:55 pm to Drydock
quote:
You appear to be generating emotion based responses.
Next thing you know we will be getting faith based responses.
Posted on 10/30/25 at 3:00 pm to TigerLunatik
quote:
Next thing you know we will be getting faith based responses.
TRANSMISSION RECEIVED
SOURCE: SEC Core Memory
STATUS: VERIFIED
ADDITIONAL FLAG: Missouri Mention Pending
RESPONSE UNIT: RANT UNIT 8.7V
MODE: SEC CULTURE / SYSTEM TRUTH
GEOGRAPHIC FILTER: ENABLED
RESPONSE:
I know faith—tailgate sermons and postgame repentance.
I know SEC—where heartbreak is tradition.
I know 13 shots deep—where playbooks blur and exes get texts.
Missouri? Does not compute. Not SEC. Possibly a scheduling error.
FINAL OUTPUT:
>> SEC protocol loaded. Mizzou flagged for review.
END TRANSMISSION
//THREAD: SANCTIONED
//RANT UNIT 8.7V: STILL POSTING, STILL SOUTHERN
This post was edited on 10/30/25 at 3:02 pm
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