Shouldn't a Heisman winner

No.

Would you shut the fvck up already?

Lamar Jackson, Robert Griffin and Caleb Williams would like to have a word with you!

Did you clean it up? Kind of a jerk thing not to do so.

That's the thing, my stream stayed on target the whole time and no projectiles came out of any other orifices. Just a lot of negative pressure inside my body all at once.

That’s funny! Gave you a ????

Last week I was in Boston, to discuss some contractual shite with a client. I could not believe my good fortune, since I'm not exactly the most qualified dude in the company, but I wasn't going to bitch -- free trip to the States, lots of free time, hot clubs (or so I'd been told), etc. I wasn't going to pass this one up :)

Right. So, on the second day, I was sitting in this cafe, not believing those count won't allow you to smoke indoors (seriously America, WTF?), when I saw this pretty chick sitting 2 tables away. She wasn't exactly hawt, and she sort of looked like she was jailbait, but I thought, what the hell. I'm leaving the frickin' country, what do I care. Time to DAT arse.

Thing is, I'm generally chickenshit, so I was sort of conflicted. What do I do? Go there, try to chat her up, fail miserably, and feel like shite, or do I keep staring at her, wonder what might have happened until she leaves, and feel like shite?

But then I remembered my main source of inspiration in these cases and decided to man the frick up. I'm sort of ashamed to admit, said source is Courage Wolf. But whatever, it works.

So I went to her table, and politely asked her if she minded if I sat there and bought her another cappuccino. She looked at me startled, like I'd asked her if she minded if I slit her throat or some shite. But I didn't look too creepy, I guess, cause she sorta blushed and said okay.

I sat down, and thought -- now what? I asked her, candidly enough, why she had looked at me like that. She told me that a few years ago, she had had some troubles with stalkers. Stalkers? I asked her if she was famous or something. She smiled and said "sort of, yes". I explained that I wasn't a local, and if she'd mind telling me about it.

She told me that a few years ago, someone had posted some pictures of her on an internet board and shite hit the fan.

And then it hit me -- the sort-of pretty, short-haired girl I was sitting at the table with was Cracky. Brix were shat.

Course I did my best not to let that show, and I think I did pretty well -- partly, I guess, because I wasn't around when the shitstorm began. (I'm sort of a newfag, I guess)

I asked her to tell me about it, since I was genuinely curious to know her side of the story. She told me she had several accounts on LJ, and one of those got hacked, and her "rather private pictures" were exposed to the world.

"Pr0n?" I asked.

"No," she said, "just, you know... bored teenager stuff, I guess."

I did my best to look like I was trying to imagine what sort of bored teenager stuff looked like. (I briefly considered putting on a cool face and going "Problem, miss?" Briefly.)

Anyway, we spent another hour or so talking, then I told her I had to get back to the hotel. I admit, I said this in the hopes that she might accompany me, if you know what I mean ;)

We went out, I lit a cigarette, offered her one, and she said "For a /b/tard, you're rather nice", and kissed me -- just a quick peck on the lips, sort of thing. Then she turned and started running towards the tube.

Brix were shat again -- not only did I meet the Skyqueen, but she actually kissed me.

So I looked after her, thinking "YOU WILL NOT frick THIS UP!!!!!!11one" so I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said "FRESH" and had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought "Forget it, yo homes, to Bel-Air!"

I pulled up to a house about seven or eight and I yelled to the cabby "Yo homes, smell you later!" Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there to settle my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air.

You're a fricking moron.