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Need to vent about fostering
Posted on 10/15/22 at 9:50 am
Posted on 10/15/22 at 9:50 am
My wife and I took in a four year old boy and his two year old sister ten months ago, but they've been in the system almost two years. All was good with us until July when the Mom was released from jail to have yet another child, and we said we couldn't provide the care that child needs. She used meth during this pregnancy the first 6 months until she went to jail. Because of that, the newborn will need to be close to a hospital as she recovers, which we aren't.
Ever since we said no, the state has seemed to fast track the reunification process. The Mother has been clean all of 3 months, didn't do anything to get her kids back the first year and half they were in foster care. We had a home visit with our case worker this week where we asked our case worker about requests we put in weeks ago. One was to reschedule next week's visitation because I have to go out of town for work, and my wife is coming for a chance to recharge, it will be our first time away from the kids since they were placed with us. My in-laws are watching the kids but can't make visitation due to a hospital appointment. And because we've essentially been told the kids were going back to the Mom we asked if we could find a week in November we could reschedule a visit so I can take the kids to Virginia to see my folks to give them a chance to say goodbye. In 10 months that's the only time we've asked to reschedule a visit with the exception of when the boy was sick once, and another time we couldn't leave due to being snowed in. 10 months, never missed a visitation. 10 months I've cared and loved these kids like my own and this is how the state treats us. They are making us out to be the bad guys because God forbid we have a life we'd like to live, not the Mom who had her children taken away from the Meth house she had them. Not the Mom who had her boy in a bed with two loaded guns. Not the Mom who hadn't changed the diaper on what at the time was her newborn baby in days. No, apparently we are the bad guys because I have a work trip next week and want to give my folks a chance to say goodbye to the kids they have done so much for. I could somewhat understand if I asked them last minute about these things, but they have had notice for over a month, and would not respond to our emails.
So yesterday we got an email saying that there was a meeting, we got notified an hour before the meeting that had apparently been scheduled weeks. I couldn't make it because I had meetings all day for work and my wife couldn't make it because she already had things to do, plus the meeting was scheduled to begin when we take our boy to the bus stop for school. Following us saying we couldn't make it, they had the audacity to email us saying we weren't doing our job as foster parents. Went on to say we are being purposely obstructive and throwing up road blocks in the reunification process. For 10 months, we have done everything asked of us.
They went on to say we are being overly critical of the Mom. There has been one email from us, after the first unsupervised four hour visit, I asked our boy if he liked his new room and bed. He cried as he said he didn't have one so I asked the Childrens Division about it and they said at this point in the reunification process he doesn't need those. I also was concerned that in the 10 months we've had the kids I've never seen our young one scream out for help like she did when she saw the SUV the Mom's friend drove, I didn't know if it triggered a memory or something. That is literally the only pushback or criticism we've made. I'm beyond livid at this point with the state
Ever since we said no, the state has seemed to fast track the reunification process. The Mother has been clean all of 3 months, didn't do anything to get her kids back the first year and half they were in foster care. We had a home visit with our case worker this week where we asked our case worker about requests we put in weeks ago. One was to reschedule next week's visitation because I have to go out of town for work, and my wife is coming for a chance to recharge, it will be our first time away from the kids since they were placed with us. My in-laws are watching the kids but can't make visitation due to a hospital appointment. And because we've essentially been told the kids were going back to the Mom we asked if we could find a week in November we could reschedule a visit so I can take the kids to Virginia to see my folks to give them a chance to say goodbye. In 10 months that's the only time we've asked to reschedule a visit with the exception of when the boy was sick once, and another time we couldn't leave due to being snowed in. 10 months, never missed a visitation. 10 months I've cared and loved these kids like my own and this is how the state treats us. They are making us out to be the bad guys because God forbid we have a life we'd like to live, not the Mom who had her children taken away from the Meth house she had them. Not the Mom who had her boy in a bed with two loaded guns. Not the Mom who hadn't changed the diaper on what at the time was her newborn baby in days. No, apparently we are the bad guys because I have a work trip next week and want to give my folks a chance to say goodbye to the kids they have done so much for. I could somewhat understand if I asked them last minute about these things, but they have had notice for over a month, and would not respond to our emails.
So yesterday we got an email saying that there was a meeting, we got notified an hour before the meeting that had apparently been scheduled weeks. I couldn't make it because I had meetings all day for work and my wife couldn't make it because she already had things to do, plus the meeting was scheduled to begin when we take our boy to the bus stop for school. Following us saying we couldn't make it, they had the audacity to email us saying we weren't doing our job as foster parents. Went on to say we are being purposely obstructive and throwing up road blocks in the reunification process. For 10 months, we have done everything asked of us.
They went on to say we are being overly critical of the Mom. There has been one email from us, after the first unsupervised four hour visit, I asked our boy if he liked his new room and bed. He cried as he said he didn't have one so I asked the Childrens Division about it and they said at this point in the reunification process he doesn't need those. I also was concerned that in the 10 months we've had the kids I've never seen our young one scream out for help like she did when she saw the SUV the Mom's friend drove, I didn't know if it triggered a memory or something. That is literally the only pushback or criticism we've made. I'm beyond livid at this point with the state
10
Posted on 10/15/22 at 10:13 am to AgSGT
You’re doing God’s work. Hang in there.
Posted on 10/15/22 at 10:20 am to Alyosha
We want to but after this we will never work with the state again
This post was edited on 10/15/22 at 10:21 am
Posted on 10/15/22 at 10:20 am to AgSGT
So sorry you are going through this. My neighbors foster, they go into the process expecting the child to return to the mother and into a likely lousy situation.
That's how they deal with it, expecting to give the child(ren) the best life possible in the time they have. They tried to adopt one of the kids before, but the infant went back to the drug-addicted mother.
They have a passel of kids, so that may make it easier when the foster kid(s) go back to the mother.
They don't have good things to say about the state either.
That's how they deal with it, expecting to give the child(ren) the best life possible in the time they have. They tried to adopt one of the kids before, but the infant went back to the drug-addicted mother.
They have a passel of kids, so that may make it easier when the foster kid(s) go back to the mother.
They don't have good things to say about the state either.
This post was edited on 10/15/22 at 10:22 am
Posted on 10/16/22 at 11:03 pm to AgSGT
quote:You and your wife were loving enough to give more than most.
We want to but after this we will never work with the state again
Posted on 10/17/22 at 9:20 am to AgSGT
Buddy and his wife went through this like 10 times. After watching them get mad at the system, my advice to you assuming you want to keep a child is to expect the biological parents to get every opportunity to retake the children. DO NOT get emotionally tied to a child that you have not adopted. My buddy learned this lesson. The first sign of tomfoolery from the bio mother and he would tell the kid to kick rocks.
Posted on 10/18/22 at 4:07 pm to AgSGT
It ain't no better anywhere. My wife and I did this once with two boys. After death threats from one boy and countless other incidents, I threw in the towel. Lack of support from the state compounded with crappy situations and poor decisions makes it a battle.
Posted on 10/18/22 at 6:45 pm to AgSGT
quote:
We want to but after this we will never work with the state again
This was one of our main reasons for stopping fostering. It’s so damn frustrating.
Posted on 10/18/22 at 9:16 pm to AgSGT
I'm praying for those kids and you all
I'm so sorry
there is true evil at the top of this chain of events
I'm so sorry
there is true evil at the top of this chain of events
Posted on 10/20/22 at 10:02 am to AUCE05
quote:
DO NOT get emotionally tied to a child that you have not adopted.
I understand your sentiment but to be a good foster parent you absolutely have to become emotionally attached to these children whether that be for a month in our care or years in our care otherwise you aren’t being a good parent. It is going to be rough, really rough, when our children are placed back with the Mom, but if I have any hope it’s that the kids got a glimpse of what a loving father and Mother can be, and take that with them when they are older and have their own kids.
Posted on 10/20/22 at 11:17 am to AgSGT
Breaks my heart to hear this.
Reunification is federal policy. And sometimes it sucks. State agencies are pretty hit or miss, and they usually have a lot of turnover. The system is awful.
Sorry, baw.
Reunification is federal policy. And sometimes it sucks. State agencies are pretty hit or miss, and they usually have a lot of turnover. The system is awful.
Sorry, baw.
Posted on 10/20/22 at 1:14 pm to JudgeHolden
The reunification process does suck but it is the goal, even though it is tough on us. I just wish the state involved us more in the decision making process and scheduling. They are taking a tough process and making it tougher on the already overburdened foster families
This post was edited on 10/20/22 at 3:16 pm
Posted on 10/20/22 at 2:36 pm to AgSGT
I'm a foster parent as well Ag, and I can empathize with what you are going through. My wife and I have done it for close to 2 years and have been in similar situations. Unfortunately, not all case workers are worth a damn...in fact, too many are pretty much useless. The entire system is broken and failing.
I really can't give great advice, just keep in mind why you got into fostering in the first place. You're not in it for the agency...you're in it for the kids.
Hope things settle down for you and work out quickly. Would love to get updated on the situation if you're comfortable sharing in the future.
I really can't give great advice, just keep in mind why you got into fostering in the first place. You're not in it for the agency...you're in it for the kids.
Hope things settle down for you and work out quickly. Would love to get updated on the situation if you're comfortable sharing in the future.
Posted on 10/20/22 at 3:48 pm to KajunGator
Will do. One of the other things that really bothers me is the older 4 y/o boy is way behind his peers. He couldn't even form a coherent sentence when he came to us because the only other kid he had been around is his now 2 y/o sister. Developmentally he was pretty much on her level but since coming to us he's done two soccer seasons, t-ball, head start and now pre k and its amazing how he has responded. He is still behind but he is catching up fast. You'd think the state wouldn't want to mess with that but right now the state is making him miss a day of school every week to accommodate the bio Mom's schedule. We already know when they go to her she will not keep him in sports and he is going to have to wait till next fall to restart school putting him even further behind his peers.
Posted on 10/24/22 at 9:04 pm to AgSGT
Sorry you are having to go through it like this. I can’t imagine.
It is difficult to comprehend how what is best for the child can be so easily overlooked.
I hope this resolves in someway positive for both you and the kids.
It is difficult to comprehend how what is best for the child can be so easily overlooked.
I hope this resolves in someway positive for both you and the kids.
Posted on 10/27/22 at 9:41 pm to OeauxMy
So today we were informed we are a couple of weeks out from an 8 hour pass each weekend for visitation. For months the discussion was Saturdays, which work for us. They know I’m a volunteer at my Church and I’m not available until after 2pm on Sundays, so what do they do, schedule weekend 8 hour passes for Sundays starting at 8 am. It’s like they are trying to piss me off, it seems like they are pushing me to react in a way the kids are taken from us early. I want to continue fostering but my lord these people that work for the state piss me off to no end 
Posted on 10/31/22 at 7:25 am to AgSGT
We fostered for a while and yeah, it's incredibly stressful. The DCS folks we interacted with made it very clear that reunifying the bio-family is their top priority, which basically means that you are going to get yanked around no matter what.
Hang in there and do what you can to surround yourself with encouraging people. What you are doing is incredibly valuable and challenging.
Hang in there and do what you can to surround yourself with encouraging people. What you are doing is incredibly valuable and challenging.
Posted on 10/31/22 at 8:52 pm to Torch
I understand reunification is the top priority, I just think at some point the family that has essentially put their lives on pause to take care of the person who screwed their life’s kids over, should have the state advocate for them a bit. At least call and see if a schedule change works for my wife and I. During training they asked who we will rely on when times get tough, we both said “easy answer, our Church.” And yet they think we’d willfully miss attending church
This post was edited on 11/1/22 at 4:07 pm
Posted on 11/2/22 at 3:20 pm to AgSGT
And that is why there are so few of us that is willing to foster. I opened my house in Arkansas in 2016 and within 24 hours had my first sibling group of 3. After 4 years of attempted reunification when the kids would come back depressed and angry that their mother didn't make it to visits. It was just so hard to see these kids going through that. After like I think 7 no shows to court the judge finally terminated the parental rights. Then they told us they would have to separate them to find them homes. I was like screw that I would adopt them. But thank you and your wife for opening up your house to a child in need. Now back to lurking in the shadows.
Posted on 11/3/22 at 11:42 am to AgSGT
God bless you.
I sort of get it, but the way we allow unfit parents access to their kids. There are no good answers, but people need to prove they have changed before having access to their children.
I sort of get it, but the way we allow unfit parents access to their kids. There are no good answers, but people need to prove they have changed before having access to their children.
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