TAMU v. SCAR - 0-0 tie, both teams declare a loss. Spurrier announces his retirement, effective immediately, flys away in the Swagcopter. Sumlin leaves his sunglasses in the 1st officer's seat, finishes the season 0-12.

Ole Miss loses to BSU. Hugh Freeze declares potatoes forbidden, citing little known Old Testament passage. Ms. Freeze begins offshoot evangelical religion denouncing tubers, writes weekly column in Metro Christian Living.

Vandy loses to Temple big, Matt Rhule (an Addazio disciple) begins to gain steam as UF's new HC.

Kentucky destroys UT-Martin by 84 points. Kentucky jumps to #1 in the polls. Mark Stoops declares that he will run for political office, is immediately named Governor-for-life.

Missouri loses a close one to SDS. Pinkel, when asked for comment, burps and says he thought it was an interview with Saturday Down South. Questioned about why his eyes are bloodshot, he pounds his beer and peels out of the parking lot.

Alabama loses to West Virginia after the Trickett/Sabanette sex tape plays on the jumbotron. Saban stomps his little feet in rage. Verne pronounces his display of anger 'adorable'.

Arkansas has to forfeit its match against Auburn after Bielema refuses to submit his players to Auburn's pace, citing health concerns. Auburn is forced to vacate the win after a September report surfaces proving that Malzahn paid players. Laughter emanating from Charlotte, North Carolina is heard as far west as Spartanburg.

Georgia beats Clemson in a barn burner. Afterwards, the entire Georgia football team is arrested after smoking every plant in the South Carolina Botanical Garden. When asked for comment, Mark Richt grimaces and says "We have to be better."

No result for the Florida/Idaho game is ever published. Matt Rhule is being mentioned as Boom's replacement, though, so it couldn't have been good. Florida fans fondly recount Addazio's offensive schemes, convince themselves Rhule is going to turn it around.

Mississippi State and Southern Miss engage in a spectacular game. Probably. Hell, it's Mississippi, so no respectable person wanted to be caught dead within state lines. It doesn't matter anyway, Mullen is on the phone with Jeremy Foley, offering to send compromising photos of Matt Rhule in exchange for consideration for the UF spot.

Wisconsin beats LSU handily. Leonard Fournette, when asked for comment, immediately announces his intent to transfer to Wisconsin. As reporters clamor for him to explain, five enormous white Wisconsonites whisk him away. Fournette wins three straight Heisman trophies behind a Wisconsin offensive line that averages 412.7 lbs.

Utah State beats Tennessee by 13 points.