PREMATURE E-GUMPULATION-----HELP IS AVAILABLE

So sorry to interrupt this premature GUMP VICTORY LAP....but I feel I must remind you, as sort of a public service, a critical mental -health warning if you will, that NOVEMBER is only DAYS away.

And thus the dreaded and Decade-long Season-End CRIMSON SWOON is about to begin. It's a cherished community TURDITION in Tuscaloosa, like the Passing of the Meth Pipe, or the Raising Of The Single Wide.

I know that Meth-Addled Gumps everywhere think the season has ended and they have already been awarded a championship of some kind.

Psychiatrists now refer to this phenomenon as PREMATURE E-GUMPULATION.

For the better part of a decade these feckless Gumps have been making a sticky mess of things (eewwwww) in late October, mass-producing t-shirts, holding parties where they refer to themselves as "Bestest Gump Ever"....and then....sadly....inevitably...as if the Universe was conspiring against them.....The dreaded November Crimson Swoon.

Louisiana directional schools, Mountain West teams, SEC foes, it doesn't matter. Post-October Bama futility is consistent and demoralizing to the Gump faithful. They just can't seem to FINISH.

Alas,They have already shot their collective wad FAR TOO EARLY. Much like their Herve Villichez-like-head coach , the diminutive and screamy Tiny Dancer, Lilliputian-In-Chief-Nick Saban's hair color, they seem to FADE DOWN THE STRETCH.

This late season LIMPNESS is a touchy-touchy subject around the Gumps, especially their hearty, truck-stop cruising women-folk, who must wait through January before the male Gumps are able to get it working again. For this reason, it is essential that you approach these mostly bearded & mustachioed women with care, as these women can be a little needy this time of year.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: As an added bonus, your Humble Pimpness will be offering free counseling services to Gumps suffering from this awful, dysfunctional disease, starting at 6:30 pm on November 7, 2009. I and other mental health professionals will be here to help you work through the feelings of loss associated with this horrible annual affliction.

Help is available.
Operators will be standing by.
Free of charge.
Because we care.