Ode to Lane Kiffin

Lane, you are genuinely the only man alive who can be a portal savant and a 4th-down war criminal at the same time.

You work the portal like a genius — like Rain Man doing roster math — and then turn around on Saturday and call plays like The Cable Guy found the headset and started pressing buttons.

You’ve got a fanbase that has sold out emotionally, financially, spiritually… and your response is, ‘What if I keep them hostage for two weeks and subtweet their rivals while I decide if I’m staying?’

That’s not just business, that’s performance art.

You treat field goals like they owe you money.
4th and 3 from your own 18? ‘Yeah, let’s do something insane, I’m bored.’

There are cardiologists in Mississippi paying off their lake houses early because of you.

And look, man, the off-the-field stuff?
– Hot yoga influencer energy on the timeline.
– Randomly putting a peppermint in Theo Von’s mouth like you’re baptizing him into the Church of Kiffin.

Half the country is watching like, ‘Is this a head coach or a side character from an A24 movie?’

You crave attention so much you’ve turned entire fanbases into emotional support animals.

LSU’s geeking out, Florida’s is praying for a X-mas miracle and Ole Miss is on a permanent turtlehead watch — and you’re up there grinning, retweeting memes, and pretending this is all normal.

And the wildest part?
We still want you.

That’s how bad it is.

You’ve got Ole Miss fans sitting here saying, ‘Yeah, he’s kind of a narcissist who treats our emotions like Yelp reviews… but have you seen the win total?’

You are, without question, the only man in America where the sales pitch is:

‘He will absolutely drive you insane, publicly flirt with everyone in the room, refuse to kick a field goal, and call some of the dumbest great plays you’ve ever seen in your life… but you will win 10 games and feel things you didn’t know you could feel in November.’

Lane Kiffin is what happens when Rain Man and The Cable Guy have a child, hand him a laminated play sheet, and tell him, ‘Go break an entire region’s nervous system.’

So yeah, Coach… from Ole Miss fans everywhere:

We know exactly what you are.
Narcissistic? Probably.
Weird? Absolutely.
Addictive? 100%.

And the sad truth is this:
We’re too far gone to quit you now.