LSU Frontrunner for the National Championship

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WHY LSU IS A BETTER NATIONAL TITLE CONTENDER THAN OREGON: THEY WILL FRUSTRATE YOU UNTIL YOU KNOCK YOURSELF OUT WITH A BLUNT OBJECT.


The scene: Oregon versus LSU in the national title game. LSU has three losses, but still: they're in the title game because Les Miles has real, terrifying powers, and because LSU wins a 15.5 to -2 game against Florida in the SEC Title game in Atlanta. (See: "powers.") The ever-aggressive Chip Kelly watches in agony as LSU wins the toss and takes the ball. The Tigers move the ball exactly 3.4 yards a carry on every down, intentionally hold for penalty yardage, and succeed in running the clock out on the entire first half as the LSU offense scoots up and down the field like the twitchings of a slow needle on an voltage meter. Oregon has zero yards not because LSU was good, but because they have so mastered the art of frittering away clock without actually scoring any points. A last minute field goal attempt is squandered when Miles accidentally allows the clock to expire while the kick team is running onto the field.

The second half begins with LSU onsiding the ball and holding the ball for the entirety of the second half. This time LSU offensive coordinator Gary Crowton actually attempts to score, which results in the same endless possession game for LSU. Oregon has zero yards of offense; LSU has the equivalent of 800 if you count penalty yardage, yards lost to fumbles, called quarterback kneels, and other offensive atrocities. Chip Kelly is no longer coaching on the sideline as he has passed out after concussing himself with his own clipboard. Miles is watching and eating a Blizzard with his fingers on the opposite sideline.

The Tigers move in for the game-sealing field goal with eight seconds left. They ball is on the Oregon three yard line. With no timeouts, a hurried snap with one second on the clock is fumbled. The holder panics, looks at a wall of defenders, and reverts to his first love--volleyball--and pounds a thunderous serve with the football through the uprights. The referees award the Tigers one point for the spike*, and LSU wins the national title game as the first three-win national champion.

You know that as good as Oregon is, and as vastly superior as they are as a football team, this is therefore precisely how a game between these two would occur.

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Chip Kelly is no longer coaching on the sideline as he has passed out after concussing himself with his own clipboard. Miles is watching and eating a Blizzard with his fingers on the opposite sideline.

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