re: Tiger Tales: True Confessions, Brushes With Fame & Infamous Tiger Escapades!

I went to a local gay bar here a few years ago hang out with my old lesbian landlord. Drank for free all night. Swore I'd go back for the free drinks.

Then I broke the bladder seal and saw what was going down in the men's rest room.

Haven't been back since.

Local here in Vegas. There's a whole gay area called "The Fruit Loop." The tourists come to town to party and do strange depraved shite, and that certainly carries over to the gay bar crowd.

Lived in Columbia for a few years as a kid. Snuck into my fair share of Mizzou football games until the security guy just started letting us in and watching our bikes (when there were 50,000 watching Kirk Farmer). Did the Mizzou thing for college. Discovered freedom/beer/weed.

Long story short. UNLV degree coming soon.

I've got a drunkenly pissing out the front window of a car and having it land on the chick I was trying to hook up with that was sitting in the back seat story if you want.

Actually, that's it.

She wasn't in to water sports.

Good night though.

Out of state tuition amongst my friends that could pay less and frick around got in the way.

That, and poor judgement.

Ok, home from work, iPad at 100%. Where was I?

My buddy reached out the window and popped "Maria" square in the face, knocking him/her flat on its arse. Pants around ankles, causing me to erupt in laughter. Some loud words were exchanged in Spanish between the girl I was with and her sister, and the SUV was started up, and we peeled out of that parking garage, leaving Maria on the deck alone.

At this point we are speeding through the streets of TJ, trying to put on clothes and gather thoughts as to what was happening. Abruptly, we come to a screeching halt and are told to "Get the frick out" (in perfect English no less). So, my buddy and I jump out of the SUV still buckling up, the girl I was with pops out of the window and says, "Club A, Saturday Night at 8." My buddy and I look at each other and I say, " No, Maria?" No Maria, they agree. Ok, deal. The SUV starts up and my belt is tossed out the window, and they speed off.

My friend and I get our shite together, walk across the walk bridge, and hail a cab back to base. Not a word was aid in that cab until we got to the Coronado bridge, we looked at each other, and started cracking up at what happened. Maverick and Goose, headed back to the carrier. (Life was full of stupid Top Gun references back then.)

So, back to the boat and I climb into the rack for about 3 hours of sleep. In the Navy reveille is called at 6am everyday, and then we have quarters at 7. Quarters is basically everyone getting in formation in the hangar bay, doing a role call, and putting out the word of the day. While getting ready to get my. Triple S on (shite, Shower, Shave), I notice I'm getting lots of strange looks from others in the berthing. I shrug it off, mostly because I'm still kinda tipsy from the night before. Upon entry into the head, I turn to the mirror to swab my chompers, and I see what everyone was staring at. I have a neck that is covered in the most embarrassingly large hickeys know to man. I mean the size of apples. That chick really did a number on me. Now, I'm upset because I know there's an inspection today at quarters and there's no way I get through it with this shite all over my neck. I shrug it off and slug my way off to my impending doom.

Luckily for me, my Chief does nothing when she passes by me for inspection, later in the day she would tell me that she really wanted to laugh at me, and to put some toothpaste on them. Does that actually work? I never tried it.

Anyway, this was a Thursday, so I had two full days of people asking me what was up with my neck before I could get back down to TJ and finish what I started. Word moves quickly on a ship, so I got famous real fast. I was the guy with the TJ story. This actually turned out being a good thing as an acquaintance of mine was a Mexican dude from El Paso, he was well versed in the ways of Mexico, and offered to accompany me on my return trip to act as an interpreter so we could figure out what the hell was going on. Saturday arrives, and it's off to TJ...

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SoCalMIZ

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I hope you're still typing, because you can't stop there!

We get there a couple of hours early, and upon arrival, my friend I was with the first time and my Mexican friend settle into a spot at Club A next to an open window, and grab some Dos Equis. As the clock nears eight we start to notice a lot of Mexican Federales cruising back in forth I front of the club. For those that are not familiar, the Federales are a police force in Mexico that roll in full gear armed to the hilt with machine guns and ride on the back of trucks. Pretty intimidating, but a fairly common sight in TJ, however, tonight they are out in force and seem to be patrolling the street in front of Club A pretty heavy.

Suddenly, a crowd forms, two Federales trucks screech to a halt, sirens blaring. Behind them a lowered VW Jetta pulls in behind them, and a crowd forms. Federales jump off of their trucks and head into the entrance of the club. Behind them, two girls get out of the Jetta, and follow them into the club and up the stairs where we are sitting. It's the same damn girls from the other night. Wtf, is going on.

My Mexican friend, jumps up and tells my friend and I to go to the back of the club and hide out, we are told not to come out until he gives us the thumbs up sign. We don't hesitate and hustle to the back, hiding out, we sit and wait. Side note, there were two people having sex in the dark while we waited. TJ,

Anyway, my mex friend heads to the front of the club and intercepts the escorts, discusses something, and breaks out some cash. He's now talking with the two girls we were there to meet.

There is a crowd gathering at this point, the music has stopped, and loud words are being exchanged between my friend and the girls. I see the girl I was with sling her purse and my friend get grabbed by a Federale. A scuffle ensues, "Oh shite", I think, "it's going down and we're all gonna end up in some Mexican prison, we're fricked". Just as I'm about to come out of the shadows to try and help my friend, he's let go by the Federales, and the girls storm out followed by their escorts.

Everything calms down, the crowd disperses, and the music resumes. We get the thumbs up to come out...

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I hope you're still typing, because you can't stop there!

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It's a real pain writing this on my iPad. Autocorrect

No way in hell is there a girl who is sitting alone in a fricking bar in a college town as nice as Columbia. He proceeds to tell us how he lost his virginity to this girl, and we allow him to finish even though the story is complete bull shite. When he finishes we call him out and he quickly throws in the towel. So we continue to pry for more information and about if he really has lost his v tag. He is quick to answer that yes he has absolutely lost his v tag and I begin to believe him because his eyes don't deviate off of me or anyone else. So I ask who have you had sex with and sitting in my chair on one of those docks that is cheap as hell on a windy day he tells me that he went to BACKPAGE.COM and hired an escort and I nearly fall in the fricking lake right then and there