General RL Bullard

Briles would be a home run. And after Shula??? He knows he’s probably got a head coaching gig, a good one, when he takes your offense from the 100s to the 30s.

They'll be able to play with the top teams and possibly win.

"We ain't got it this year."

Consistency and toughness to Kirby.

Game coaching and feel give me Spurrier.

If I had prime Spurrier vs Kirby, and I had to win one game…

…give me the Ol’ Ball Coach.

Let’s do a few SEC Wannabes!

Clemson - Sean Penn
Oscar winner. Very talented. Absolutely unbearable. Thin-skinned to the molecular level. Cannot handle the slightest criticism without launching into a self-righteous sermon. Constantly lecturing others how morally superior he is, yet somehow always involved in drama of his own making. Takes himself so seriously that it becomes comedy. Insufferable and forever convinced everyone should admire him as much as he does. Will lash out over any slight.


Others?

SEC EAST

South Carolina - Keanu Reeves
Fun to watch, genuinely likable, but not exactly known for intellectual firepower. Can turn in a surprise masterpiece or a breathtaking disaster with equal enthusiasm. Never a threat to win an Oscar, but everyone hopes one day he’ll stumble into one.

Florida - Patrick Swayze
Absolutely elite for a magical stretch of time — then the whole thing died spectacularly. Now 90% of the fanbase lives in nostalgia, quoting lines from the glory days and wondering where it all went wrong. Currently doing ghost work.

Georgia - Denzel Washington
Perpetually intense, perpetually dominant, and perpetually reminding everyone he’s better than them. Even when he phones it in, he’s still winning awards. Even his bad movies beat your good ones.

Kentucky - Mark Wahlberg
Hard to explain and harder to categorize. Half prestige projects, half shameless paycheck grabs. Occasionally knocks off an A-lister and everyone acts shocked. Has a strangely devoted fanbase that insists he’s better than you think.

Missouri - Jim Carrey
Liberal, loud, deeply odd, and desperate to be taken seriously despite playing in what feels like an entirely different genre from everyone else. Moments of brilliance overshadowed by long stretches of “what exactly is this?”

Tennessee - Dennis Quaid
Always respectable, usually professional, and always co-starring in someone else’s blockbuster. Looks great in the trailer, but somehow never walks away with the trophy. Perpetually on the cusp of being relevant again.

Vanderbilt - Edward Norton
Genius IQ. Insufferable energy. Drops one undeniable masterpiece every 10 years, then disappears into weird pet projects no one watches. Universally respected… yet somehow still irrelevant.


SEC WEST

Alabama - Tom Hanks
Overexposed, over-praised, and utterly unavoidable. Critics claim they’re sick of him, but the box office receipts say otherwise. Even when he releases a dud, everybody pretends it’s still top-tier work. America’s Dad, whether you like it or not. (You don't.)

LSU - Alec Baldwin
Supremely talented, supremely volatile, and supremely unaware of how abrasive he is. Can charm you, insult you, or emotionally scar you before halftime. Will absolutely punch you in the face for disrespect.

Texas A&M - Kevin Spacey
Massive budgets, massive talent, and an overall vibe (GAY) that makes everyone deeply uncomfortable. Capable of award-winning brilliance, but usually remembered for the bizarre scandals and self-destruction. High closeted energy.

Auburn - Gary Busey
Absolute chaos in human form. Electric early career, then a traumatic brain injury somewhere along the way, and the rest is pure unpredictable entertainment. Can beat anyone or lose to a bag of wet mulch. Must-watch TV.

Mississippi State - Woody Harrelson
Friendly, funny, and harmless. Everyone enjoys him even though he’s never winning anything important. Likeable enough that nobody minds the occasional mediocrity — they just appreciate he’s here and trying.

Ole Miss - Will Smith
All the looks, all the swagger, all the talent… and somehow still ends up an incredibly public cuckold. A single slap away from the whole thing collapsing. Great at pretending everything’s fine.

Arkansas - Nicolas Cage
Wild-eyed chaos merchant capable of absolute brilliance or total catastrophe. Has a rabid cult following convinced he’s still elite. Occasionally proves them right. Mostly proves them insane. Will absolutely blow his entire budget on a dinosaur skull.


SEC NOOBS

Texas - Matthew McConaughey (naturally)
All swagger, all vibes, all the time. Beloved by the public and absolutely convinced of his own cosmic importance. Cranks out big-budget productions that may or may not be any good, but everyone pretends they’re masterpieces anyway. Secretly insane.

Oklahoma - Robert Duvall
Universally liked, universally respected, and inexplicably lacking the awards he probably should’ve won by now. Overshadowed by flashier rivals. Quiet excellence lost in louder narratives.

Did Clark Lea run off Heupel?

1. Alabama - tradition, money, rednecks
2. UGA - see above, and far enough away from ATL
3. LSU - coonasses, hot women, Nawlins
4. Texas - would be higher without all the gays
5. Vandy - great city and no pressure
6. A&M - tons of money and gays are mostly non violent
7. South Carolina - passionate hicks, share state with cultists
8. Ole Miss - mostly classy, hotties, undergirded by redneck lawyers
9. Florida - dysfunctional, meth, good athletes nearby
10. Tennessee - unrealistic expectations, heart disease, cellulite
11. Auburn - cool town, meddling fat hicks
12. Oklahoma - not built for the SEC, great fans, nice people
13. Missouri - no pressure from purple haired Karens
14. Kentucky - easy being the afterthought
15. Arkansas - just a fish out of water. See Oklahoma and think “lil bro”
16. Miss State - lovable losers but poors

quote:

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Ray Tanner's legacy as an AD is one of abject failure.

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Gamecock buddy of mine told me Beamer brought a PowerPoint of his plans and it blew Ray Tanner away. Is that true?

My buddy said old boomer Ray was probably dazzled by the whippy slide transitions. Unreal.

quote:

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There isnt a job thats a big enough that he would ever leave Tennessee. Only place he would leave for is OU and that would be personal reasons not professional LSU could never pull him lol

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Sorry noob but LSU is a far better and more prestigious job than TN.

TN is better than VT but worse than Clemson. LSU is well above.

What is this? You slobbing our knobs in a cope post?

Cignetti would cut Arch (another) new arsehole.