My girlfriend and I are living together and thinking of having some kids but don't necessarily believe in the traditional birthing process. Nevertheless, she suggests that we first adopt a dog from the local animal shelter to essentially practice the child raising process since children from the ages 5 and under aren't all that different from small dogs. I visit this "No-Kill" animal shelter on the eastern side of town and inquire about adopting a possible stray.

They take me back into this room that looks like a small prison of the canine variety. I eye over a few possible furry candidates, most of which looked either fairly malnourished or suffering some strange disease. Immediately, my eyes settled on the most perfectly ordinary dog ever. His name was "Ribbles" as titled by the shelter than took him in, he was poodle-yorkshire terrirer mix with a multitude of other breeds mixed into one fluffy adorable slobbering cocktail.

I take "Ribbles" home and await the rewarding "Awww"''s that would be sure to accompany my girlfriend. She walks in and screams loudly before locking herself in the bedroom. I run to the door and ask, "Honey? What's wrong?" She opens the door and immediately pulls me in. After a short session of love-making, she tells me of how her parents were mauled to death by a dog that looked very much like the dog we had adopted. I explain to her that the dog was fine and though her reaction was justified, she had nothing to worry about. We open the door and notice that the new dog, "Ribbles", is nowhere to be found. "Ribbles?", I cried out repeatedly, hoping the dog would appear. No response.

I go to my bathroom to relieve myself from what I had held so valiantly since leaving the Animal Shelter. Suddenly, I heard the scream of my girlfriend. I rushed out of my bathroom, pants still located around my ankles, only to find the disembodied corpse of my beloved girlfriend with a sheet of paper located next to her head. It read, "Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof." I finished using the bathroom and called the police.

The animal shelter burned down the next day.

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Posted by Vols&Shaft83

Throbbing Member

Member since Dec 2012

69952 posts

Posted on 7/15/14 at 2:59 pm to DanMullins4Life

I was the passenger in my college roommate's car, on the way home from a spring break trip. It was late and we were driving on a desolate road back home. It was a slow drizzle of rain, the steam of the hot pavement that reduced the visibility even further on this moonless night.

After a couple of hours of driving, we pull into a small town that seemed fairly abandoned. There was one restaurant open, Arby's, so we hit the drive thru. In typical small-town fashion, our food takes forever. They finally hand our bags of food and drinks in and we're on our way again. We slip out of the town and back into the rural darkness as I'm digging thru the bags of food. I open my roast beef to put on some Arby's sauce and as I am finishing a passing car light illuminates the interior of our car just enough for me to see it. I put mother-fricking Horsey Sauce on my roast beef instead!!!! I nearly ate that shite too.