SATIRE: Robert Nkemdiche's Plan To Take Over The World

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OXFORD, MS – Robert Nkemdiche, junior defensive lineman at the University of Mississippi, a mere man among mortals, is going to take over the world.

Don’t believe us?

Ask him yourself.

“I know that I’m a defensive lineman. I know that I play for a smallish university in Mississippi. I know that my range of influence is probably limited by my association with my brother, Denzel. I actually know a lot of things. Pretzel salt is not the same thing as table salt. Pink salt. It’s a thing. Things like that. What gets overlooked is that I am really good at what I do and given the right scheme and complementary personnel, I think I can take over the world. No, it’s deeper than me thinking I can take over the world. It’s like I’m going to take over the world without even trying to. It’s like that,” rambled Nkemdiche during a photo shoot yesterday at the Oxford Quarterback Club.

A smattering of half-hearted applause followed. The crowd, clearly both confused by Nkemdiche’s pretzel commentary and impressed by the sheer abundance of low-frequency baritone in his voice, could only agree.

“I think if someone’s going to take over the world, it might as well be him,” stammered an obviously flushed female reporter. “He’s got a cool name, he’s big, and he’s beginning to, uh, emit an interesting, uh, frequency or something…” she stuttered, finally having to take a seat. [Later, we asked this reporter to clarify this statement and she awkwardly referenced Nkemdiche’s Twitter timeline before crumpling to the floor, overcome by what we can only guess were either emissions, frequencies, or a lethal cocktail of the two.]

Yes, people are growing increasingly obsessed with the younger brother of Denzel Nkemdiche, Robert’s older brother. When asked to comment on this story, Denzel initiated eye contact with our cameraman in an uncomfortably intense manner, dropped to one knee, and begin to whisper the name Bob, his voice growing louder and more intense with each utterance until we finally decided to leave the room as the room’s atmosphere took on an almost erotic tone. [Denzel did reach out to us to clarify his comments but we declined because he wasn’t wearing any clothes.]

Lost in the bubbling mythology rising out of Oxford is the confidence with which Nkemdiche carries himself. He walks slowly. He keeps his body low to the ground. It’s as if he’s constantly prepared. For what? No one knows.

“I like the number five,” Nkemdiche tells us as we walk with him between classes. “It’s my number. One number for each finger on each hand. One number for each toe on each foot. I have five fingers on each hand so I chose the number five. One number for each Heisman I’m going to win. One number for each different race I’m going to spawn.”

While the means of Nkemdiche's pursuit of world domination aren’t completely sexual, the man does see the good, old-fashioned methods of propagation coupled with an attention to arithmetic to be his best route.

Asked about how he sees the rest of the season playing out, Nkemdiche responds, “We’re going to play games five at a time and when we score five points, it’s going to be five more than we had and we’re going to score five points as often as possible so we can hopefully win as many games as we can. Five times.”

You can’t argue with that.

The man.

The myth.

The legend.

Robert Nkemdiche is going to take over the world.

You heard it from us first.

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