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re: I need help, guys
Posted on 3/14/15 at 9:52 pm to Spaceman Spiff
Posted on 3/14/15 at 9:52 pm to Spaceman Spiff
The only thing I can think of is sharing with her what you've shared here. Let her know that you now see clearly and you're willing to do absolutely anything and everything to reconcile the marriage. Ask her if she is willing to forego the divorce for now and have a legal separation (if that's what she wants) while you go through counseling to work on what is causing her to want to call it quits.
1
Posted on 3/15/15 at 2:27 am to Spaceman Spiff
quote:
We have two young children who are my everything.
You need to take a long hard look at the face of reality as this ain't how a "mother" reacts who's not fricking somebody else, and for a long time at that.
She's built a methodical case brick by brick and has you exactly in the position she wants with the truth of her infidelity carefully hidden away until matters are said and done.
quote:
The thing is, she gave hints that I needed to fix things but I didn't listen, I guess.
Lawyer up and hire a PI it's not too late, but you are going to end up the fool if you don't take those blinders off real quick like and your children will be calling some other man or, worse Woman daddy this time next year...
Good luck.
Posted on 3/15/15 at 4:01 am to FooManChoo
quote:
The only thing I can think of is sharing with her what you've shared here
This...plus what Chef said. She needs to hear that you realize your past mistakes and see it clearly now. She needs to hear how you feel about her. Also, we tend to tiptoe around it in some circles but if you're a believer don't leave out seeing your pastor/preacher/priest.
Even the best marriages have rough spots and it takes actual hard work sometimes. Check out a book called "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, PHD. It will help you figure out how to express love to her in terms she'll understand and that will "click" specifically for her based on a short little quiz because if you don't know how she receives your inputs regarding how you feel for her (physical, spoken word, deeds etc) both positively and negatively it is that much harder to convey your love for her in a way she'll understand is real and genuine and feel fulfilled/content.
I've also seen something called a "30-day relationship challenge" for couples going through similar issues and it can be profound from what I have read.
Good luck.
This post was edited on 3/15/15 at 4:04 am
Posted on 3/15/15 at 7:05 am to Brick67
listen to Barberito..this is the first thing I thought of as well...
Posted on 3/15/15 at 7:16 am to Spaceman Spiff
I would find a lawyer first. The law does not favor men in a potential divorce, especially when kids are involved. Second, offer up some sort of counseling because maybe you don’t fully understand her position and vice versa. Clarity on the situation is vital to understanding how far you should go. Do you fight for her and shift your focus to yourself? Either way, you need to improve your own situation. By that I mean, what are your perceived weaknesses and challenges. How do you become a better person? If you’re not religious, you should consider going to church. Spiritual therapy is a strong drug during tough times.
But the most important thing is your children. I come from a split household and the tension between my parents is 15 years old. I’m getting married later this year, and both parents have said they will not attend if the other is present. I’ve carried a lot of resentment for my own parents. You don’t want your children to experience the same thing. Whatever happens, treat your wife with respect and never say bad things in front of your kids. They will remember, I did. God Bless man
But the most important thing is your children. I come from a split household and the tension between my parents is 15 years old. I’m getting married later this year, and both parents have said they will not attend if the other is present. I’ve carried a lot of resentment for my own parents. You don’t want your children to experience the same thing. Whatever happens, treat your wife with respect and never say bad things in front of your kids. They will remember, I did. God Bless man
This post was edited on 3/15/15 at 7:19 am
Posted on 3/15/15 at 7:18 am to Spaceman Spiff
quote:
My wife is active duty and sacrificed a lot in her career for our marriage. For instance, she wanted us to go over seas, but I was against it. Now, she is two years out of retirement and that option has passed. I get the feeling that her sacrifices on my part has led to her hitting the wall as far as her career goes. And I know that she is under incredible pressure at work and I think that has, in part, led to some feelings that I am not helping. She has said more than once that felt defeated at work. Maybe that's part of the broken. So, for the last almost two years, she has orders to another duty station within two hours drive. That's what I spoke of in a much earlier thread - the kids and I would stay here while she came back on the weekend.
As a child, she went through some horrible, horrible things. She has a very good soul and is an absolute joy. But I took her and everything for granted. I was an arse about some things and a selfish bastard. I guess I just got so comfortable and always thought she would be there. And that's on me. Now I see everything and how I was. I wasn't always that bad, but for those 10 years I slipped. Now I never hit or cheated or anything like that - I guess I more or less neglected - not sure if that is the right word. And that's on me.
I am all for counseling and I suggested such. I just know that this sucks really bad. I can't bear the thought of my kids being caught up. I just don't know what I would do.
Have your said these things to her? Speaking as a woman, I know that if my husband came to me and opened his heart about how he had screwed up and that there was nothing more important to him than keeping his family together, and he was willing to go to counseling, etc... that would be hard to not to try to work it out.
I will say I am blessed with a wonderful husband so I do not want to imply I'm in a like situation.
I hope all goes well for you....if she ends up still wanting a divorce, document everything, especially when it comes to the kids. If she wants full custody, I've heard horror stories from people i know that divorce lawyers will use everything in their power to destroy the father.
Posted on 3/15/15 at 7:28 am to davesdawgs
quote:
it sounds like she has just cause for leaving you.
sorry, but the only just cause for leaving is if he was abusive to her and/or the children. everything else CAN be worked out. it amazes me at how flippant people are these days regarding marriage. you take an oath before God to have and to hold, etc etc, and then you decide to bring human beings into the world.... make it work!!
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