re: Embarrassing stories from your childhood

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I'm a life-long sleepwalker.

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I was a sleepwalker when I was little. Dad told me I would get up in the middle of the night, never turn a light on, get dressed (and it all matched, of course!), and they would hear me playing with my toys. So they would put me back in my pajamas and into bed.

When I was 6, my older brother came home from a date one night, pulls into the driveway, and finds me sleep-walking down the driveway in my pajama top and nothing else. He says he asked where I was going and I told him the bathroom. He took me back inside and woke up the parents. They got chain locks for every door in the house the next day.

When I was 14, I went to our freshman formal. My date was also 14. After the obligatory embarrassing photo session, I grabbed my purse and started to get some cash - which his dad was quick to tell me it was all his treat and to leave my money at home. So his dad took us to the restaurant and said to call when we were ready to be picked up and taken to the dance. We met friends there, all was good, and we ordered seafood. The check comes, and we quickly realized we had overspent and he didn't have enough money for dinner. So his dad had to not only pick us up, he had to bring more cash. Lesson learned - I don't think the poor guy ever went anywhere without a credit card again. Neither of us ever lived that down, I don't think.

One time I threw a cane pole through my sister's nose. A foot came out on one side, 11 feet on the other that didn't pass through.

Great plastic surgeon fixed it though.

One time I was in the Boy Scouts ... we were traveling through Florida on a bus. We stopped at Cape Canaveral and I drank a bunch of free orange juice then got back on the bus and I went to sleep. Woke up a couple of hours later and had to take a wicked piss but when I walked to the front of the bus to ask my hard core ex marine scout leader to pull over .... he told me to sit down and hold it until we got to the camp ground. I tried but .... rather than pissing my pants and because he had made us clean out the bus before we left the space center, there was no bottle to piss in. So I dropped the window and pissed out the window. Problem was the bus load of girl scouts, driven by my scout master's wife and with his pretty little daughter aboard .... they had to drive through a sudden orange juice piss hurricane.

It wasn't pretty. But it is legend.

Then there was the time I put the big black snake in the old lady's mailbox who had ratted me out for feeling up her grand daughter under the dock in front of her house .... her grand daughter was visiting for the summer from Charleston. She was willing .... it wasn't my fault but it caused me problems with Mom and Dad. The snake fixed it though. She almost had a fricking coronary. I think she knew I did it - but she couldn't prove it. I played it cool with Dad .... he wasn't sure.

Then there was this time my sister swallowed her dime while we were waiting on the popcycle man ... I seriously tried to give her to the pop cycle man in exchange for another pop cycle. Man oh man did I get my arse beat for that.


Then there was the time I ..... and I am not proud of this, but the old lady, she was probably in her early fifties at the time. Anyway, she was still pushing the snake thing so I .... and I'm not proud of this, but I knew she always rushed to sneak out the side door at church after service and she sat by that door in her fancy hat .... so I, and I'm not proud of this but I greased the bottom step and she fell and busted her arse. I got busted for that one. I was 11.


So this other time I was playing little league baseball and my second oldest brother was getting some payback for me getting him busted (accidently I might add) with his girlfriend, by Dad, out in the barn a few days earlier. So he seeded me with an exlax milkshake before my baseball game and I shite my pants while on the mound in the third inning.


When I was sixteen I was waaaay back in the woods banging out this city chick who was visiting her Dad on the lake during the summer .... he was a well known Jazz musician back then ... she was a year older than me, smoked .... but I didn't care. I'd take her back in the woods and hit it in this deer stand. Well, it was hot that day and the farmer who owned the property comes driving back there and I see him across this huge soybean field .... so I panic and I'm like oh shite and we're grabbing for what little clothes we had and bam, I fall outta the deer stand, buck naked, and now he's come right toward me but he doesn't see me yet but I've got nowhere to go .... so I take off across this other field.

I try to wait it out but when I get back, my clothes are gone, Gina is gone and I'm still buck naked.

So I sneak back about two mikes to our farm and come up behind out barn as I am trying to find some way to make it to the house sight unseen .... long story short I get busted. Mom was really worried about me after that one.


Then there was this time I had been hauling water buckets to my Grandfather's still all day .... and I thought I was old enough to finally get into some finished product that night. So I snuke a jar down to the lake to run the trotline that night. I was 13. So my dumbass is fishing, at night, like I had been doing since I was eight years old .... in this 1955 14' Duracraft aluminum boat with a 3hp Johnson on the back .... and I am puttering along drunker than scooter brown ... and I run under this dock and knock myself out colder than a cucumber. Well, when it happened I was in the cove in front of the house but the boat kept going and I ended up all the way across the lake a few mikes away ..... this was way back before Lake Murray was resort lake .... it was 370 miles of shoreline fishing lake back then. But when I'm not hone by midnight my oldest brother comes in from a date and sees that I'm not in my bunk so him and my other brothers walk down to the lake and see the boat still gone so .... well, they got Dad involved. Dad got his game warden friends involved ... that expanded, everyone figured I was either disobeying Dad and had gone up the river for the big catfish, or I had drowned. Long story short .... they found me in the bushes across the lake still knocked/passed out about 4:AM .... boat had run out of gas. I had this abrasion on my forehead that looked like tire marks .... Mom was relieved. Dad was pissed. My brothers thought it was funny because they knew I was going to get an epic arse beating. .... and I did.


Then there was this time my buddy and I got busted in church throwing leftover tatertots with ketchup on them at some buddies down below .... we were only like ten years old and the guys we were throwing them at were a couple of years older and sitting with some girls .... but the bad part was our Priest stopped the sermon and he didn't really say anything, he just sort of pointed at us like he was Moses or something .... I litteraly almost crapped my pants when I saw my Mom and Dad and brothers all turn around in the fsmily puew and look up at me .... and that fat frick Tony had already bolted. But Dad was strategic, he stood up and, without saying a word in gesterd my two oldest brothers down one aisle and he took my other brother down the other aisle so he covered both staircases outta the balcony. I had nowhere to go except over the ledge so I decide I am going to make a jump for it, John Wilkes Booth style ... and damn if my oldest brother didn't tackle me as I was leaping. Thankfully the parishioners could not see up into the balcony .... but they could hear it. The old ones still talk about it .... about my Dad cursing in church like that .... the man was a master with that belt of his.

They started locking those balconey doors after that.


Then there was the time I ducked when Dad was reaching for the salt shaker while our priest was over having Sunday dinner with us .... after him and Mom warned me not to do anything stupid before the.priest got there. Well .... hell, we were all gun shy and it was a natural reaction because I had been backhanded so many times by that stage in my life ... Dad tore my arse up after the.priest left. The whole time he was whipping me he was saying, "I'll give you something to duck about ...."

The priest .... he got on Dad for that later from what I understand.

I dunno .... hundreds of other stories. I was always doing something ... it's kinda funny in retrospect.

I feel like you need a rocking chair on a wrap around porch and a video camera to tape you telling stories



Profit

That's hilarious. Sad part is today your buddy's dad would be locked up for negligence (or whatever charge it would be)

Another one, though it was more uncomfortable than embarrassing. I was probably 14, and a friend in the neighborhood was spending the night at my house. He had a Nintendo game I didn't have and we wanted to play, so we snuck out my bedroom window to go to his house and get the game. It was probably midnight or so. We get to his house, and head to the backyard to sneak in, and walk in on his parents skinny dipping in their pool. His mom was apparently drunk, because she just laughed and didn't do much to cover herself, but his dad was furious and started yelling at us. He got halfway out of the pool, but then realized his unit was at full attention and jumped back in. Friend went in and got the game while I retreated back to the driveway laughing my arse off.

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Buddies dad shows up two days later and my face and arms are bright red from second degree burns with no arm hair or eyebrows, all of my dark brown hair has white tips....that sucker laughs all the way back to town

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I had a friend who liked fire at an early age. I grew up in the country, so we got away with a lot.

We were blowing up stuff at his house and he got out gasoline. I said I'm out and walked home. Next day he comes to school with no eyebrows and the front of his hair was receding and bright red cheeks.

For some reason, the good Lord always told me when to leave in a lot of those scenarios. I've avoided numerous MIPs, child porn charges (for reals), damage to private property, fights, and drug busts that my friend were not as fortunate about. Just always seemed like there was a line and when it got crossed it seemed like a good idea to leave.

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4 girls were at ones house in the hot tub. They go topless and take a picture. Brother of one get ahold of it and cuts His sister out. He then sells it to one of my idiot friends.

We're all hanging out when it comes out of a backpack and they ogle it. I know 2 of the girls are juniors and 16 so I leave.

Next Monday a bunch of them show up wearing the picture screen printed on their undershirts. Nobody gets caught but a bunch get pulled into the office and told if they are found with one of these shirts after that moment, underage pornography is on the table. Which was a pretty strict message considering our principal let us carry guns in our trucks and drank with kids at the Catholic church.

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Ok you ain't a chomo and I don't have to whip you

When I was in 8th grade I had to write a poem for class. The teacher was gawgious an forced me to cover a bone with a book a few times. Anyways, I bitched and bitched about having to write a poem. My mom finally gave in and wrote it for me. Dumbass me did not read it before turning it in. Teacher read all the poems aloud in class, which I did not know was going to happen. She gets to mine and says something along the lines of the winner of sweetest poem goes to and reads an 8tg graders worst nightmare about how much he loves different shite. Come to find out my trash mom and the teacher plotted against me to teach me some kinda damn lesson.

Side note, I never wasted any more erections on the teacher bitch.

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you ain't a chomo

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At worst, I'd have been an 18 year old seeing pics of a 16 YO's boobs. But like I said, the Lord blessed me with a GTFOOH sensor at a young age that saved me from some of my friends' bad decisions.