pankreb going HAM for Freeze gravy and Miss BlackBear football

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Dear Miss. State, I would have like to have done this in person but we both know that you no longer allow me to come to Starkville. You know, after the A.J. Brown and Willie Gay announcements. Plus, let’s be honest, there is really no reason for me to come to Starkville unless we are poaching four star recruits.

Am I right? But I digress. I write this letter to inform you that I think it’s time for us to see new people. It’s time to end this rivalry. Honestly, we’ve just grown apart. We’re going in different directions. We’re hanging out in different crowds now. We are spending the New Years with the New Years Six crew. We go to parties with The Ohio State, Florida State and Oklahoma State’s of the world. We have other “States” in our crew. We don’t have room for a “Mississippi State”. I know, I know you went to the NY6 once, but you really just didn’t fit in so you weren’t invited back.
I don’t know. It just seems like our goals are different these days. Sure, the Egg Bowl trophy is great, but we want something more. Something more, I don’t know…National. Hanging out in Charlotte is really nice, but we kind of prefer places like New Orleans. It’s like we are just from two different worlds. By now I know you are really, really mad. I know you oh so well. And this is the point where you start screaming that I am a low down cheater. I admit, I may have strayed a little, but I promise it was nothing too serious. I swear. No matter what the text messages said. Plus, a lot of that stuff was before we got serious. And it’s not like you haven’t been unfaithful as well. Remember a gentleman named Will Redmond.

But let’s not do this. Let’s end this rivalry amicably. But I must come clean. We’ve found a new rival. We needed someone who was a little more stable. Someone who wanted the same things we wanted. Things like titles, championships, and top-notch recruits. We needed a rival we can respect. Someone who understands what it’s like to be the flagship University of your state. Yes, the rumors are true. We have started a rivalry with Alabama. They’ll never admit it because they are still in a rivalry with Auburn, but trust me, they hate us as well. We’ve become their rival. It kind of just happened. It was innocent enough. One day we were recruiting the same kids. Then, we ended up on the same recruits’ top five list. They’d get some. We’d get some. Then all of a sudden we beat them in Oxford. Everyone thought it was a fluke. Then low and behold, we beat them in Tuscaloosa. And just like that, our rivalry was born.

Don’t act like you’re shocked. You drove us to this. Your incessant squabbles over electric bills and loaner cars chased us away. You can’t even enjoy your own success because you are so concerned with us. I mean, the word around town is that you are out there, hunting down recruits, like a common stalker trying to find dirt on us, instead of convincing them .

But wait, I promised myself I wouldn’t get worked up. Look, we’ve had some great memories. It hasn’t been all bad times. Remember in 2014 when we shared that “Mississippi Mayhem” Sports Illustrated cover? Good times, good times. It was great, until you spent the week complaining that as the number one team you shouldn’t have to share a cover, especially with us. You see it’s things like this that led to us dumping you. I know it’ll be hard, but you’ll find someone new. Try Kentucky or Missouri. If they won’t accept you, go out of conference. I’m sure University of South Alabama would love to be your rebound rivalry. But here is a little friendly advice for you in your next rivalry. Don’t seem so needy. Rivalries become toxic when one team is overly obsessed with the other. Don’t use social media as a bully platform. It makes you seem desperate for attention. Fix yourself up a little. A makeover wouldn’t hurt. Stop wearing shirts with vulgar sayings against your rival on it. It looks tacky. It’s okay to tell Adidas executives “no” every once in a while Lastly, know your value. You’ve complained about a recruit staying on one of our coach’s couch, while not realizing that we have been living rent free in your head for the last few years. Our best advertising to recruits has been your hatred. You see, recruits see hatred as jealousy. So when they see your hatred against us, they want to see what is it about Ole Miss that makes State jealous. So thanks for the free rent. But don’t let your new rival live in your head. Well, I think it’s best that we end it now. It’s been fun. Every time I go to my new rivals home, I’ll look your way and remember all the good times we’ve had. Please don’t call or write. Let’s just move on. We’ll see you once a year. We’ll wave, exchange pleasantries and then we’ll go back to our separate lives. It’s probably for the best. Now you guys go out there and make your new rival, South Alabama will wish they had never scheduled that home and home against the Bulldogs. Clanga!
HOTTY TODDY,
The Flagship University of the State of Mississippi. The Ole Miss Rebels
P. S. By the way, we’re keeping the Egg Bowl trophy.

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