re: All 7 SEC West coaches walk into a bar...

Saban, a man of shockingly simple taste, orders a Makers neat. It turns out he's a very good tipper - exceedingly generous. The bartenders go on and on about how he's the best customer they've ever had, and how they will never have to worry about going hungry ever again. How easily these bartenders forget that life and their industry is a fickle bitch.

Bielema overhears something at the door about "never going hungry again" and makes a beeline toward the bar. He orders something colorful and sugary, as he likes having a good time and doesn't take mundane things like his health and his job very seriously. He meets an attractive sorority girl at the bar and pretends to be broke. She pretends to not know that he's rich.

Malzahn had one beer, talked about how much he liked the beer and was going to drink more, and then left for another bar.

Mullen downs a shot of well whiskey. He drinks well whiskey because although the cost of living back home is reasonable, it's kind of a rundown podunk town void of much opportunity. Hes learned to live frugally with his meager paycheck. Mullen downs quite a few in short order, and the bar and all its patrons assume that he's a big drinker who can hold his liquor. There are talks of him going to a fancier bar, but subsequent trips will reveal that his drinking prowess was overstated. He has a little too much and creeps out some younger women. They weren't impressed by his Yeezys and find his midlife crisis to be off-putting.

Freeze orders Grey Goose because even though he's a girl who drinks vodka, he's a classy girl. He sees his archrival Mullen go down in flames and decides he can't miss this opportunity. The girl is cute, but kind of trashy. He decides she must be from Mississippi and opens with how he's kind of a big deal in Oxford. He promises this backward, easily impressed skank that if she goes home with him, she'll never have to worry about keeping the lights on ever again. He gives Mullen a wink, a click, and a finger-pistol shoot as he's walking out the door, emasculating another man for quite possibly the very first time in his life. He later finds out the girl was underage and suffers a crushing defeat at the hands of his real archrival - an enforcer of rules who doesnt like it when he gives kids drugs and suspicious amounts of money.

Orgeron stops by and tries to order something undecipherable in a language that's not quite French or English. No one can figure out what he wants and they eventually kick him out after getting tired of him. It seems like everywhere he goes, he either can't drink the right drinks or can't drink enough to be worth their time. He considers giving up drinking altogether.

Sumlin requested bottle service.

Les Miles and Steve Spurrier show up. Les orders 6 rounds, pisses in the corner for Nick, and leaves when he finds out the bar doesn't have salad.

Steve gets hammered drunk, gives Hugh a few pointers on public relations, throws peanuts at Saban when he isn't looking, and tells Orgeron to tell Muschamp that the secret to winning is not signing all the great players but to have all the great players when it comes time to play the game.

Freeze does drink

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The two were talking so intently about football they never even noticed.

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One of my favorite Nick Saban bar stories is the story of when he was an assistant at Michigan State in the 80s. He and another assistant were in a bar in East Lansing while it was being held up at gun point. The two were talking so intently about football they never even noticed.

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Saban noticed, but it was one of his players holding up the place so he looked the other way.

BAZINGA!