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re: Why is it so difficult for the cheater to realize how hard it is for you...
Posted on 9/21/16 at 2:12 pm to semotruman
Posted on 9/21/16 at 2:12 pm to semotruman
quote:
You don't move on until you fully forgive. And while you forgive the person who wronged you, and you don't do it for them - you do it for YOURSELF.
Truer words were never spoken. I forgave him for what he did to me. It took a long time between dealing with the grief of losing Kyle and having all of my dreams and expectations for my marriage stomped all over to reach that point, though.
For me, it wasn't a matter of simply forgiving him silently and moving on. His knack for manipulation is unprecedented in anyone I have ever met in my life. Like you mentioned, once you forgive them, they lose that power over you..they lose all power over you. So I told him..face to face with her right there (she will not leave his side even for a millisecond if I am anywhere in the vicinity of him) that I forgave both him AND her for what they had done. I also went to each former best friend he'd slept with and told them that I forgave them as well. His face was priceless. It was like I had literally taken all the wind out of his sails. And with each person that I approached, spoke with and forgave, it was like a ton of bricks being lifted from my soul.
He is simply the father of our children to me now. To his credit, he is a good father outside of cheating which obviously did have consequences for our two surviving children. She is also good to my son and daughter and I appreciate that as well.
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Posted on 9/21/16 at 2:18 pm to semotruman
quote:
You've gotten some good advice in this thread, and I won't repeat it. But I'll add one more thing. You don't move on until you fully forgive. And while you forgive the person who wronged you, and you don't do it for them - you do it for YOURSELF. Otherwise, they continue to occupy space in YOUR head. They, with their selfish, fricked-up behavior, will keep YOU from living the best life you can. You're the one who will continue to suffer - long after the person who wronged you moves on.
Very true. I had to do this as well, in fact, once I forgave my ex wife, I actually had pity on her, because I could tell she was still tormented by her decision making, and I had moved on. Like I said, I only saw her a few times after that, and while I was still sad, it was different for me to be in her presence.
It's a lot of work to forgive though, and with kids, it has to be more difficult I'm sure. But, you need to put it all aside and do that for your own well being, as semo and Carolina Girl said.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 2:23 pm to Cheese Grits
quote:
Most of the time you will never know, it happened to me twice in my life and one was to make me jealous (did not work out as well as she planned) and one was dogged by my best friend at the time (was looking for a way out anyway). The 2nd was really hot but caused me to rethink sex with Marlboro smokers who tanned with motor oil. Cray cray is cray cray no matter how good they look.
Well I mean my ex, I'm sure she cheated but it just didn't mean anything. That relationship was waaaaaay over and I hadn't felt anything for her for a long, long time.
I am finding out, as time goes on, however, that women tend to justify it way differently than men.
My buddy is a serial cheater, and he just admits it. ''I'm a bad guy, she knows the score.''
My female friends will almost always blame the guy for their ways. He doesn't pay attention, he cheated on me (this is a big one I hear all the time), you didn't understand the relationship, etc. etc..
quote:
When it is done, move on because if you let them have your self esteem for free, it is you who needs to get out of such a toxic environment. Living well is the best answer and in my experience, they get their sooner than later without you even trying.
Yep, look at it like she helped you out of a shitty relationship and go on with your bad self. Start talking to single mothers, go to mixers, start dating again.
And just avoid fighting. Don't even fight, just do what I did with my ex: We're not going to fight about this, if you want to fight I have to give you some space because it makes me so unhappy.
Just be honest.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 2:27 pm to jvilletiger25
quote:
No. The guy she cheated on me with was giving her drugs. She's sober now, so he disgusts her now.
You're better off. Stay strong. Time heals all and some people need longer than others.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 2:32 pm to jvilletiger25
She sounds like a piece of shite.
You sound like a good person.
This is happening all over the world every day. Shitty people fricking with good peoples hearts.
Hang in there, man.
You sound like a good person.
This is happening all over the world every day. Shitty people fricking with good peoples hearts.
Hang in there, man.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 2:36 pm to Carolina_Girl
quote:
We lived in a very, very small town where we both grew up and had been high school sweethearts and everyone knew about the affairs. We moved to another small town in SC to "start over". Our kids became best friends with a brother and sister whose parents also had been high school sweethearts in addition to a lot of other things we had in common. My ex became friends with the dad of our kid's best friends and I became close friends with the mom.
Long story short, he did it again...with our kid's best friend's mother. She is now their stepmother and their former best friends are now my son and daughter's stepsiblings...and they hate each other. Each blames the other's parent for breaking up their birth mom and dad's marriage.
Woah that is fricked up. But then we look at how strong of a person you are today and I think we can say you didn't let him define you.
Thank you for sharing.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 2:37 pm to jvilletiger25
quote:
shite's probably really going to hit the fan if I ever do find someone and move on.
You need to do that in a different order- move on, then find somebody.
Living well is the best revenge if you need motivation.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 2:38 pm to StrawsDrawnAtRandom
quote:
Yep, look at it like she helped you out of a shitty relationship and go on with your bad self.
I will say this, life will change you if you let it. I made married or seriously dating off limits long time ago and never regretted it. Granted, I was unaware at the time as sharing 2 women in a single bedroom apartment was not a good clue 1 was married. Saw him at a grocery when she pointed him out and said she was married (several weeks into the deal). Guy seemed like a nice average guy so I felt bad for him not knowing.
quote:
Don't even fight
Best advise of all, just walk away and don't get sucked into their cray cray vortex.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 2:45 pm to jvilletiger25
quote:
She's the one that keeps bringing up the past and being mad at me
Then she hasn't moved on and is mad at herself and ashamed of her actions but her DNA doesn't allow her to take responsibility for what she's caused.
Institute a new rule. No more communication with her. Go through the new husband on all matters. You two can communicate rationally and say what needs said and go about your life.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 2:47 pm to Cheese Grits
quote:
Don't even fight
Best advise of all, just walk away and don't get sucked into their cray cray vortex.
Jesus man, I wish I had learned that in the beginning.
Most of the time they don't even want to resolve anything, they're just looking to fight and to what ends no one can really know. OT fixing everyone today.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 2:56 pm to CtotheVrzrbck
quote:
Institute a new rule. No more communication with her. Go through the new husband on all matters. You two can communicate rationally and say what needs said and go about your life.
I would do that, but he is insecure and jealous af. He tries to keep shite stirred up between her and I all the time. He can't stand us being in each other's lives. She didn't tell him why we got divorced. In fact, she told him about the drugs just not the affair. And her and her mother made up lies saying I abused her, so she had to turn to drugs to escape. That just about killed me when I heard that, it probably hurt worse than anything. But he believed it.
This post was edited on 9/21/16 at 2:58 pm
Posted on 9/21/16 at 3:03 pm to jvilletiger25
quote:
I would do that, but he is insecure and jealous af.
Go to his mother then and make her the go between
(If she is hot, feel free to tap that arse, talk about a win - win!)
Posted on 9/21/16 at 6:35 pm to Carolina_Girl
quote:
Carolina_Girl
whoa! You've been through a shite-load. Here's ya an e-hug.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 6:52 pm to jvilletiger25
quote:
I would do that, but he is insecure and jealous af.
Do you blame him? He married this woman still hung up on another man and who lies to him. He sucks as a person maybe, but even from his perspective it's a shitty deal.
You seem to have some innate hostility towards him given what you have said in the thread. Start there. Even if he is a chode (sounds like it) he wasn't the drug dealer. I would never ever forgive the drug dealer, but look at it from the chode's POV. This poor chode had "I am crazy rebound pussy" shoved in his face and made a terrible mistake of marrying it. He now has to deal with her all the times you don't. Even if he deserves your scorn from his actions directed towards you hostility towards him doesn't help you. Start with forgiving him for being the poor ignorant chode that he is.
Then forgive yourself, because you obviously blame yourself for some part of it to keep getting pulled back into the drama. You have no obligation to her, just your kids, and yet you post a thread trying to justify your position to strangers. I am not judging you at all, I am just pointing out the clues we have tell us you are still mad at yourself. But dude you said yourself she hid a drug addiction from you, and if I had to guess the reason she doesn't do it today is only because of the fallout of her getting caught (which is the one part I can't figure out but frick my curiosity). So frick that drug addict count, you did the best you could with what you knew. Forgive yourself and love your kids.
And then, only then, forgive the drug addict count. Not because she deserves it. Not because you want her in your life. But because of the opposite- she wants in your life so the best way to frick her over is to move on from her and stop caring about what she says. Because frick that count. Then you win.
(And this forum drives me nuts how it censors one fricking word)
Posted on 9/21/16 at 7:13 pm to jvilletiger25
If a chick ever did that to me, then told me that on the wrong day, she'd get pick axed to death.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 8:29 pm to jvilletiger25
quote:
Why can't I just get over it?
quote:Probably doesn't have as much to do with her as you think. Why are your self confidence and self esteem low? What was your relationship with your mom like? A good therapist might help you sort it out.
I have such trust issues
So she stepped out, lied, and told you it was your fault (BTW it's neeeeeeever their fault). Been there, done that. I wouldn't waste any more of the days of my life thinking about her. Fuking waste.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 8:50 pm to jvilletiger25
quote:
Why is it so difficult for the cheater to realize how hard it is for you... to move on?
Because you're still in denial for all of the reasons that it happened and even that it happened at all. She cheated on you. You loved her. You thought y'all were so deeply in love that there would be no way she could even be motivated to cheat. Whether that's because you misjudged how much she cared for you to begin with, or even if you did things to put her in a place where she began to want to stray, who cares? What if she was madly in love with you, and then she started getting mad over laundry or that you were working a lot to help provide for her, and instead of her appreciating what you did or trying to work through it and understand, her selfishness drove her to sit on someone else's face because it was just that much easier? It doesn't matter. She has moved on. You can't dial back time and change her feelings.
quote:
My ex throws it in my face all the time that it was two years ago. Why can't I just get over it?!She's already moved on and remarried, and I can't open up to anyone because I have such trust issues. I guess you can't relate unless you actually go through it. And the F'ed up thing about it is, I let her guilt me into somehow it was my fault. I love my kids, but I wish I never had to talk to or see her again.
Moving forward, do you want to be happy? Then find things in another woman you find attractive. Things you appreciate. As we get older, we often change what we even want in a partner. Some people want a soul mate. Some people want a play mate. Some people want a support mate. Some people want a mind mate.
Read this for reference.
I hate things like Myers-Briggs that reduce the nuance of personality and desire in to stupidly rigid quadrants that deny the possibility of malleability and dynamic value, but I think this framing of what you "want" in a counterpart at least shows us pretty plainly that what we want DOES change. What did you want at 16 out of a woman? What did you want at 21 out of a woman? What did you want at 26? 31? 36? Have you valued different things at different points in your life? And what did you provide to a woman at each of those points in your life? What has changed? Anything?
Personally, what I found the difficult was getting in the mindset of square 1. That it's now your responsibility to LEARN about another woman. Get to know her. See what you value in her. At the same time, learn to show her value as well. Long, intense, and serious relationships, even the bad ones, are generally centered around a DEEP connection. It's natural to become accustomed to that, and it's hard to have to WORK towards another one. At least from personal experience.
You'll be fine. Work on yourself where you need to and you'll find another piece of arse.
This post was edited on 9/21/16 at 8:52 pm
Posted on 9/22/16 at 3:07 pm to jvilletiger25
Find you another piece of arse, frick her till she shits the bed, show no emotional attachment and she'll be losing her mind over jvilletiger25. Repeat the process with another piece of arse and bounce back and forth between the two. Also, LEARN HOW TO EAT A PUSSY!
You think I'm being facetious or a dick, but just trust me and try it and you'll be kicking yourself for ever even thinking of your ex. She'll be a distant memory. Don't listen to these pussies about "forgiving, accepting" and all of that other homoerotic bs. You are a fricking man and she's just a piece of meat, bones and skin at the end of the day and there are millions more pieces of meat, bones and skin waiting for you to give them the best fricking they've ever received. Never fall in love or show any emotional attachment and it will drive them wild over you.
My best advice (assuming you're under the age of 30), find you a cougar to experiment on. They love any younger guys whose dicks still function. Married or not, by the time they hit 50, they haven't had sex in at least five years and they hate their husbands. Experiment on the cougars for a while and then you'll have all the sexual confidence you need and you'll be ready to unleash on the hoes in your age range. You'll be a fricking rock star.
You think I'm being facetious or a dick, but just trust me and try it and you'll be kicking yourself for ever even thinking of your ex. She'll be a distant memory. Don't listen to these pussies about "forgiving, accepting" and all of that other homoerotic bs. You are a fricking man and she's just a piece of meat, bones and skin at the end of the day and there are millions more pieces of meat, bones and skin waiting for you to give them the best fricking they've ever received. Never fall in love or show any emotional attachment and it will drive them wild over you.
My best advice (assuming you're under the age of 30), find you a cougar to experiment on. They love any younger guys whose dicks still function. Married or not, by the time they hit 50, they haven't had sex in at least five years and they hate their husbands. Experiment on the cougars for a while and then you'll have all the sexual confidence you need and you'll be ready to unleash on the hoes in your age range. You'll be a fricking rock star.
This post was edited on 9/22/16 at 3:22 pm
Posted on 9/22/16 at 3:41 pm to Carolina_Girl
quote:
He is simply the father of our children to me now. To his credit, he is a good father outside of cheating which obviously did have consequences for our two surviving children. She is also good to my son and daughter and I appreciate that as well.
that is a blessing & I am happy for you that is the case
and I am glad you were able to forgive; hope all is well w you
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