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Why is it so difficult for the cheater to realize how hard it is for you...
Posted on 9/21/16 at 10:38 am
Posted on 9/21/16 at 10:38 am
to move on?
My ex throws it in my face all the time that it was two years ago. Why can't I just get over it?!She's already moved on and remarried, and I can't open up to anyone because I have such trust issues. I guess you can't relate unless you actually go through it. And the F'ed up thing about it is, I let her guilt me into somehow it was my fault. I love my kids, but I wish I never had to talk to or see her again.
My ex throws it in my face all the time that it was two years ago. Why can't I just get over it?!She's already moved on and remarried, and I can't open up to anyone because I have such trust issues. I guess you can't relate unless you actually go through it. And the F'ed up thing about it is, I let her guilt me into somehow it was my fault. I love my kids, but I wish I never had to talk to or see her again.
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Posted on 9/21/16 at 10:45 am to jvilletiger25
That sucks, man. I've been on the other side of that, and my wife forgave me, and we've been able to move on somehow. A wise person once told me that the best marriages are made up two really good forgivers, and it is so true. Again, I'm sorry you're having to deal with that, and I hope you can find some peace on the other side.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 10:46 am to jvilletiger25
quote:
Why is it so difficult for the cheater to realize how hard it is for you...
Because they have already justified it to themselves. You not moving on is you not accepting the justification, which undermines their entire position.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 10:51 am to cardboardboxer
What boxer said
Posted on 9/21/16 at 10:55 am to jvilletiger25
Oh and FYI OP did she marry the guy she cheated on you with? Because that would explain why you couldn't move on.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 11:00 am to jvilletiger25
That's tough. I went thru that with my ex wife, but luckily we didn't have kids and never have seen each other again.
Have you considered some kind of counseling? I think at best case, your interaction with your ex needs to be as infrequent as possible, and when you are together, try to focus more in the kids than the sitaution, but I'm only guessing.
Sorry you are going thru that. I had trust issues as well, but about 2 years after my marriage ended and I moved on, I met a great lady and we have now been married for 18+ years. Don't lump every woman into the category of your ex, but do take your time moving into a real relationship again.
Have you considered some kind of counseling? I think at best case, your interaction with your ex needs to be as infrequent as possible, and when you are together, try to focus more in the kids than the sitaution, but I'm only guessing.
Sorry you are going thru that. I had trust issues as well, but about 2 years after my marriage ended and I moved on, I met a great lady and we have now been married for 18+ years. Don't lump every woman into the category of your ex, but do take your time moving into a real relationship again.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 11:07 am to jvilletiger25
sorry to hear this man
Posted on 9/21/16 at 11:08 am to cardboardboxer
No. The guy she cheated on me with was giving her drugs. She's sober now, so he disgusts her now.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 11:14 am to kywildcatfanone
I try not to interact with her anymore than I have to. She's the one that keeps bringing up the past and being mad at me. Idk. Maybe she's unhappy with the guy she's with. He was her rebound after we split up.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 11:24 am to jvilletiger25
I've always thought that marriage licenses should be for a limited time, say 5 years, after which a couple could renew or just let lapse and go their separate ways. Of course, their individual legal commitments to any children conceived during the contract would not change.
I think this would help both parties and remove any vestigial stigma of divorce. Divorce is usually strongly associated with emotion. License nonrenewal would be less vitiating for both people.
I think this would help both parties and remove any vestigial stigma of divorce. Divorce is usually strongly associated with emotion. License nonrenewal would be less vitiating for both people.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 11:56 am to jvilletiger25
quote:
No. The guy she cheated on me with was giving her drugs. She's sober now, so he disgusts her now.
So it was just a toxic situation for you no matter what. No wonder you had trouble moving on. I feel for you. I bet I can guess the drug too.
quote:
She's the one that keeps bringing up the past and being mad at me.
At this point I am left wondering how the conversation ever gets there. Is it like her go-to when yall disagree or something?
You: "I think our kids should take soccer instead of martial arts."
Her: "You never trust my extracurricular choices for them, its been year now its time to trust me again!"
You: "WTF bitch why you bringing that up!"
Am I close?
Posted on 9/21/16 at 12:20 pm to jvilletiger25
Been there, done that.
My ex was a serial cheater...with my "best friends", no less. I had 7 bridesmaids when we got married, one of which was his sister.
Out of the 6 not related to him, he cheated with 3. I, like a dumbass, kept giving him "one more chance" bc we had experienced the death of our 7 month old son very unexpectedly and I thought that might have something to do with his behavior.
We lived in a very, very small town where we both grew up and had been high school sweethearts and everyone knew about the affairs. We moved to another small town in SC to "start over". Our kids became best friends with a brother and sister whose parents also had been high school sweethearts in addition to a lot of other things we had in common. My ex became friends with the dad of our kid's best friends and I became close friends with the mom.
Long story short, he did it again...with our kid's best friend's mother. She is now their stepmother and their former best friends are now my son and daughter's stepsiblings...and they hate each other. Each blames the other's parent for breaking up their birth mom and dad's marriage.
It has been almost 9 years since I divorced him and it was not all that long ago that I entered the relationship realm again...within the past year. Had not been on a date, nothing at all even remotely close to becoming involved with anyone in any way, shape, form or fashion for 9 years.
Having lost my son and my marriage within such a short period of time frankly fricked me up for a long time. It took 9 years of working thru all of that to get to the point where I am now able to just shake my head and lmfao when I hear things like the ex preached a sermon on the sanctity of marriage with the chick he committed adultery with..and who committed adultery with him..sitting in the front pew. Something that would have ripped me a part a few years ago now honestly cracks me the hell up.
Zebras don't change their stripes, I have learned. Won't be long before he is at it again..if he hasn't already. Hell, I still have emails where he tried to get me to meet him after they married on numerous occassions. I considered showing it to her, but why stoop to her level? I am better than that.
My ex was a serial cheater...with my "best friends", no less. I had 7 bridesmaids when we got married, one of which was his sister.
Out of the 6 not related to him, he cheated with 3. I, like a dumbass, kept giving him "one more chance" bc we had experienced the death of our 7 month old son very unexpectedly and I thought that might have something to do with his behavior.
We lived in a very, very small town where we both grew up and had been high school sweethearts and everyone knew about the affairs. We moved to another small town in SC to "start over". Our kids became best friends with a brother and sister whose parents also had been high school sweethearts in addition to a lot of other things we had in common. My ex became friends with the dad of our kid's best friends and I became close friends with the mom.
Long story short, he did it again...with our kid's best friend's mother. She is now their stepmother and their former best friends are now my son and daughter's stepsiblings...and they hate each other. Each blames the other's parent for breaking up their birth mom and dad's marriage.
It has been almost 9 years since I divorced him and it was not all that long ago that I entered the relationship realm again...within the past year. Had not been on a date, nothing at all even remotely close to becoming involved with anyone in any way, shape, form or fashion for 9 years.
Having lost my son and my marriage within such a short period of time frankly fricked me up for a long time. It took 9 years of working thru all of that to get to the point where I am now able to just shake my head and lmfao when I hear things like the ex preached a sermon on the sanctity of marriage with the chick he committed adultery with..and who committed adultery with him..sitting in the front pew. Something that would have ripped me a part a few years ago now honestly cracks me the hell up.
Zebras don't change their stripes, I have learned. Won't be long before he is at it again..if he hasn't already. Hell, I still have emails where he tried to get me to meet him after they married on numerous occassions. I considered showing it to her, but why stoop to her level? I am better than that.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 12:24 pm to cardboardboxer
quote:
I bet I can guess the drug too.
She was abusing all kinds of prescription medications, not sure if it was anything else. I had no idea it was as bad as it was. She did an excellent job of hiding it from me for a long time.
quote:
At this point I am left wondering how the conversation ever gets there. Is it like her go-to when yall disagree or something? You: "I think our kids should take soccer instead of martial arts." Her: "You never trust my extracurricular choices for them, its been year now its time to trust me again!" You: "WTF bitch why you bringing that up!" Am I close?
Basically. Like this morning, I'm asking her if she was going to keep the kids tonight. It turns into her getting mad and bringing up the past: I divorced her, she's not the person she used to be, etc. I think she is unhappy with that guy and is blaming me for it. That's all I can think of. Even though she's with him, she still tries everything she can to keep me from dating. shite's probably really going to hit the fan if I ever do find someone and move on.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 12:25 pm to jvilletiger25
I've never been cheated on that I know of, but when I talk to my friends who have it concrete, who know and have complete confessions or undeniable proof, I always tell them the same fricking thing.
She did you a favor, bro.
There's nothing wrong with you, she's just a gutless yellowbellied coward who couldn't tell you the truth when it mattered, and in no alternate universe could there be an explanation that could fix what she did.
Move on, brother, she's just a piece of shite and letting her control your emotions isn't any better.
She did you a favor, bro.
There's nothing wrong with you, she's just a gutless yellowbellied coward who couldn't tell you the truth when it mattered, and in no alternate universe could there be an explanation that could fix what she did.
Move on, brother, she's just a piece of shite and letting her control your emotions isn't any better.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 12:33 pm to Carolina_Girl
I'm sorry to hear that. I can't imagine losing one of my boys. That probably would be the last straw for me.
Yeah, my ex will give me some speech about respecting her marriage. I just laugh. She didn't gaf about our marriage but wants me to respect that little pos she's with. I only respect people worth respecting.
quote:
Having lost my son and my marriage within such a short period of time frankly fricked me up for a long time. It took 9 years of working thru all of that to get to the point where I am now able to just shake my head and lmfao when I hear things like the ex preached a sermon on the sanctity of marriage with the chick he committed adultery with..and who committed adultery with him..sitting in the front pew. Something that would have ripped me a part a few years ago now honestly cracks me the hell up.
Yeah, my ex will give me some speech about respecting her marriage. I just laugh. She didn't gaf about our marriage but wants me to respect that little pos she's with. I only respect people worth respecting.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 12:34 pm to Carolina_Girl
My condolences on the loss of your child. That may be the hardest thing in life to overcome.
Good for you. I've always marveled at the attraction assholes have for the ministry.
quote:
ex preached a sermon on the sanctity of marriage with the chick he committed adultery with..and who committed adultery with him..sitting in the front pew. Something that would have ripped me a part a few years ago now honestly cracks me the hell up.
Good for you. I've always marveled at the attraction assholes have for the ministry.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 12:37 pm to Carolina_Girl
quote:
My ex was a serial cheater...with my "best friends", no less. I had 7 bridesmaids when we got married, one of which was his sister.
Was he from Alabama?
Posted on 9/21/16 at 12:49 pm to StrawsDrawnAtRandom
quote:
I've never been cheated on that I know of
Most of the time you will never know, it happened to me twice in my life and one was to make me jealous (did not work out as well as she planned) and one was dogged by my best friend at the time (was looking for a way out anyway). The 2nd was really hot but caused me to rethink sex with Marlboro smokers who tanned with motor oil. Cray cray is cray cray no matter how good they look.
quote:
She did you a favor, bro.
Here is the wisdom!
When it is done, move on because if you let them have your self esteem for free, it is you who needs to get out of such a toxic environment. Living well is the best answer and in my experience, they get their sooner than later without you even trying.
Posted on 9/21/16 at 1:13 pm to StrawsDrawnAtRandom
quote:
I've never been cheated on that I know of, but when I talk to my friends who have it concrete, who know and have complete confessions or undeniable proof, I always tell them the same fricking thing. She did you a favor, bro.
Before my ex cheated on me, I was the same way with my friends. "frick her! Move on man." It just does something to you inside that you can't explain to someone who hasn't been there tho.
quote:
Move on, brother, she's just a piece of shite and letting her control your emotions isn't any better.
I know. She's having her cake and eating it too right now. I finally left because I couldn't take her hurting me anymore. But here I am, still letting her hurt me.
This post was edited on 9/21/16 at 1:14 pm
Posted on 9/21/16 at 1:18 pm to jvilletiger25
You've gotten some good advice in this thread, and I won't repeat it. But I'll add one more thing. You don't move on until you fully forgive. And while you forgive the person who wronged you, and you don't do it for them - you do it for YOURSELF. Otherwise, they continue to occupy space in YOUR head. They, with their selfish, fricked-up behavior, will keep YOU from living the best life you can. You're the one who will continue to suffer - long after the person who wronged you moves on.
Their behavior is on them, not you. You can't control it - only your reaction to it. So forgive. Don't forget - learn the lesson. Just forgive so you can move on.
The sweetest part of that is that when you do it, it's the best revenge against the person who hurt you. But that won't matter to you anymore, because you've taken away their power to hurt you and affect your life.
One last thing - based on what I've read, she has lost a good thing, and her life will never be quite as sweet as it could have been. That's her loss. But you've given her enough of your attention. Forgive, and move on.
Their behavior is on them, not you. You can't control it - only your reaction to it. So forgive. Don't forget - learn the lesson. Just forgive so you can move on.
The sweetest part of that is that when you do it, it's the best revenge against the person who hurt you. But that won't matter to you anymore, because you've taken away their power to hurt you and affect your life.
One last thing - based on what I've read, she has lost a good thing, and her life will never be quite as sweet as it could have been. That's her loss. But you've given her enough of your attention. Forgive, and move on.
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