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Potential FIL
Posted on 6/16/16 at 7:38 pm
Posted on 6/16/16 at 7:38 pm
Long story short I am black and my girlfriend is white. My family has met her and we all love her. We met in college and are both currently 22. I have been dating her for 2 years. Her family is from a small town in south Ga. I have met both her mom and grandmother who approve of and like me. I am currently employed as a teacher and am actually pursuing my Master's with her at the moment. Her father isn't the most open-minded and me allowing her space, she took till this week to tell him fully about me. She is completely independent from him and the family and has been supporting herself fine. She did think it was time he knew just because of the anxiety she carried. He now believes she is a disgrace to the family etc. However he wants to meet and have dinner with me and her tomorrow. My issue comes with the fact that he wants to meet and have dinner at a family members place in their hometown. I don't feel comfortable with it and neither does she. I told her I would gladly pay the bill for us all to eat in a public place in a populated city near by. I'm no coward but I believe taking him out of an environment he could lose it is in my best interest.
Best way to get this across without sounding offensive?
EDIT****
Dinner was cancelled due to some family health stuff. He wanted the whole family there and they couldn't make it so he just went to eat with her. She said he even almost called me her boyfriend lol. Either way we will have dinner the week after next hopefully. I think he will be ok hopefully.
Update **
Tonight happens to be my SI's birthday. It will also be the first time that we all have dinner together officially. I am actually ready to just meet those who I haven't and see how it goes. I am reserved as usual about the reception I may get but it's about time. Turns out we will be at a local place
Anyhow I'll update about how it goes.
Best way to get this across without sounding offensive?
EDIT****
Dinner was cancelled due to some family health stuff. He wanted the whole family there and they couldn't make it so he just went to eat with her. She said he even almost called me her boyfriend lol. Either way we will have dinner the week after next hopefully. I think he will be ok hopefully.
Update **
Tonight happens to be my SI's birthday. It will also be the first time that we all have dinner together officially. I am actually ready to just meet those who I haven't and see how it goes. I am reserved as usual about the reception I may get but it's about time. Turns out we will be at a local place
Anyhow I'll update about how it goes. This post was edited on 7/5/16 at 3:25 pm
23
Posted on 6/16/16 at 7:40 pm to dwgsfrlife7673
We have discussed and are planning on being married might I add. So we are all in about the relationship. I love her dearly as does she obviously.
Posted on 6/16/16 at 7:43 pm to dwgsfrlife7673
Will she be there? I'd probably just go. He may try to intimidate you, but don't lose your cool. If it's too bad, thank them for the opportunity to meet and politely excuse yourself.
Posted on 6/16/16 at 7:47 pm to dwgsfrlife7673
I would try throwing out a restaurant and see if they go for it but wouldn't be too abrasive and obvious about not wanting to go there. Like he said, he will probably try and intimidate you to some degree but that's not uncommon anyway. Just be you and if he likes you cool, if not oh well. I would doubt he is dumb enough to really try anything, especially with his daughter present.
Posted on 6/16/16 at 7:52 pm to dwgsfrlife7673
Is the dinner to meet?
Maybe just a lunch to start. That way you don't have to stay as long, but can if it goes well. Public place fort sure, but maybe let him pick.
Maybe just a lunch to start. That way you don't have to stay as long, but can if it goes well. Public place fort sure, but maybe let him pick.
Posted on 6/16/16 at 7:57 pm to dwgsfrlife7673
do you mind me asking what part of south Ga? I'm marrying into a family from there and probably moving there next year so I'm just curious
As far as advice, He is probably pissed off about being lied to (not knowing you're black) which i could kinda understand. Not saying i would care if my future child dated someone of a different race but it would really hurt my feelings if she didn't feel like she could tell me the truth. but you mentioned he talks down to her so it is probably deserved to withhold info from him..but like others have said just be polite but also hold your ground. You have other family members' support so that should help you
Good luck and give us an update
As far as advice, He is probably pissed off about being lied to (not knowing you're black) which i could kinda understand. Not saying i would care if my future child dated someone of a different race but it would really hurt my feelings if she didn't feel like she could tell me the truth. but you mentioned he talks down to her so it is probably deserved to withhold info from him..but like others have said just be polite but also hold your ground. You have other family members' support so that should help you
Good luck and give us an update
This post was edited on 6/16/16 at 8:00 pm
Posted on 6/16/16 at 7:59 pm to dwgsfrlife7673
I don't blame you for not wanting to meet there. But it is a sticky situation. He's obviously a racist but is he a total redneck? Loser? Hothead? Prone to violence? I think the answer to those questions should help decide whether it's a safe situation.
Posted on 6/16/16 at 9:01 pm to dwgsfrlife7673
Honestly, I kinda think you should meet him on his terms. Establish respect. I'm meeting you on your home turf and I don't give a shite is a strong message to him.
Obviously you have to consider exactly how far he'll take things but 99% of people won't take it past a point you can't handle. Especially when it's their daughters boyfriend.
Obviously you have to consider exactly how far he'll take things but 99% of people won't take it past a point you can't handle. Especially when it's their daughters boyfriend.
Posted on 6/16/16 at 11:06 pm to dwgsfrlife7673
she likes that bbc
Posted on 6/16/16 at 11:32 pm to dwgsfrlife7673
Your willingness to respect her dad despite his childish behavior tells me all I need to know. Make a reservation at a restaurant and say you wish to buy dinner. If he refuses to show up then you've done all you can do.
And if it doesn't work out I've got a 22 year old daughter who could use to meet a young man like you
And if it doesn't work out I've got a 22 year old daughter who could use to meet a young man like you
Posted on 6/17/16 at 4:07 am to dwgsfrlife7673
As the father of two daughters, I think your Gf may have made poor choices of dates/boyfriends before you. Her reluctance to tell the family about you may be because of that rather than blatant racism. He realizes that at her age anyone she sees more than a month becomes a potential future husband and it isn't his job to make you comfortable. It's his job to scare the shite out of you and make sure you are worthy of becoming the new man in her life. You are taking the most important thing in his entire life, and if you don't have the stones to go to his turf and prove yourself worthy, you aren't ready to marry his daughter. If you marry her anyway, you deserve a lifetime of him making you miserable. The old fairy tale of the knight going to slay the dragon to marry the princess wasn't really referring to an actual dragon...
Posted on 6/17/16 at 7:11 am to dwgsfrlife7673
It would probably be best to meet at an agreeable restaurant for all of you the first time.
Posted on 6/17/16 at 8:14 am to dwgsfrlife7673
quote:
He now believes she is a disgrace to the family
frick him.
i wouldn't meet him anywhere.
Posted on 6/17/16 at 8:39 am to dwgsfrlife7673
in my personal experience with racist family members - they tend to be all bark and no bite. It's as if they use it as an intimidation factor but play the intimidation really strong because they know that it would never escalate to more than that. in this case - i highly doubt he wants to subject himself nor his family to the onslaught of ridicule if anything bad were to happen. The news headlines would be crazy. best of luck and as far as the dad goes i think he is just trying to scare the shite out of you because its his baby girl and once you establish respect with the old man i would expect it to be ok.
Posted on 6/17/16 at 9:58 am to dwgsfrlife7673
Good luck dude. It's a shame there are still people around that feel like that about the interracial stuff.
Posted on 6/17/16 at 10:29 am to dwgsfrlife7673
I would just suck it up and go to the relatives house. Meeting on his terms will show respect for him and earn respect for you. If he loses it and acts like an a-hole, you should try to keep your composure and politely excuse yourself along with his daughter. He may try to bait you into an argument but the more he tries, the cooler you should play it. If nothing else, he and everybody else will know that you were the bigger man. It won't improve your chances of him liking you but you'll at least have the satisfaction of knowing that his plan went off in his face.
Posted on 6/17/16 at 10:38 am to dwgsfrlife7673
Offer to meet him at the blackest soul food restaurant in town.
Posted on 6/17/16 at 2:23 pm to dwgsfrlife7673
As a Dad with a white daughter with a black boyfriend, I speak with some experience on this.
I will admit that I struggled hard with this. Im old school and believe(d) that colors shouldnt mix. Call me old school southern, racist, whatever. Its how I was raised.
Having said that, at the end of the day I found myself asking the following questions.
1. Is he a good man? (yes)
2. Does he love my daughter? (yes)
3. Does she love him? (yes)
4. Do they respect each other (seems so.)
5. Is he an ambitious person who would be a good provider/partner/husband in due course (I think so.)
6. Does he have a good family? (mostly)
At the end of the day, if these questions are all yes, then color is irrelevant. Im good with it.
Where I do have concerns is with mixed kids. They take shite from both races. I look at the crap blacks give steph curry as an example. I was on twitter last night and someone was calling him that "tan colored n&gga". I've seen articles about that issue of color of color.
Anyway, I digress. go talk to your future FIL. Respectfully tell him all those things above. if he still has a problem, then tell your future MIL those same things. She'll fix his arse.
Thats my advice.
I will admit that I struggled hard with this. Im old school and believe(d) that colors shouldnt mix. Call me old school southern, racist, whatever. Its how I was raised.
Having said that, at the end of the day I found myself asking the following questions.
1. Is he a good man? (yes)
2. Does he love my daughter? (yes)
3. Does she love him? (yes)
4. Do they respect each other (seems so.)
5. Is he an ambitious person who would be a good provider/partner/husband in due course (I think so.)
6. Does he have a good family? (mostly)
At the end of the day, if these questions are all yes, then color is irrelevant. Im good with it.
Where I do have concerns is with mixed kids. They take shite from both races. I look at the crap blacks give steph curry as an example. I was on twitter last night and someone was calling him that "tan colored n&gga". I've seen articles about that issue of color of color.
Anyway, I digress. go talk to your future FIL. Respectfully tell him all those things above. if he still has a problem, then tell your future MIL those same things. She'll fix his arse.
Thats my advice.
Posted on 6/18/16 at 8:00 pm to dwgsfrlife7673
quote:I'm sorry
I am currently employed as a teacher
Posted on 6/20/16 at 4:20 pm to dwgsfrlife7673
Sounds like a passive racist. Lots of those left! Just go to the dinner and be yourself. It sounds like he will have no choice but to like you. You can open his eyes to the new world the rest of us are living in here in the 2016.
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