Official Week9 SECRant Power Rankings

Sorry we're late this week. It took a little time to get past Halloween. Which was a fitting holiday, considering some of our teams' performances.

Just because I think it's funny enough to be seen again...


Now. On to the important stuff. Here We Go!



Text Version
1. Alabama - One, two, Bama's coming for LSU. Three, four, Les is no more. Five, six, their fans are a bunch of hicks. Seven, eight, it's a date. Nine, ten, Bama's never gonna lose again.
2. Texas A&M - A&M has a nice scrimmage vs New Mexico St. But it was about as one sided as the cast of Glee trying to survive the Walking Dead. Speaking of walking dead, we had 3 defensive starters out with missing limbs and rotting flesh. The highlight of the game was Kirk's ghost impression as he went for TWO punt returns for touchdowns. On to Starkville, where it looks like the zombie apocalypse already took place.
3. Auburn - Auburns defense was good in the first half, amazing in the second. The offense was a lot like Michael Myers...slow start, but eventually the slow stalking catches up to you. Like Myers, Auburn is a force of nature: superhuman strength that cannot be killed by NCAA investigations, Jeremy Johnson's shitty passes or Ole Miss' paid players (but remember what Cam said, "it's an ongoing investigation"). Stalk on Auburn!
4. LSU - The Tigers got to lay around watching "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" while having the week off to prepare for Little Nicky and "The Night of the Living Dead" in hopes to avoid another "Texas Chainsaw Massacre". Hopefully we have seen "The Omen" and will be able to pull of victory and avoid "The Haunting" we have experienced from the last 5 defeats.
5. Florida - Florida just keeps creeping up on people, just like Michael Myers. Slowly working our way towards 10-1 while our stymy defense continues to wear people out and our offense just does enough. Hopefully we keep Arkansas in check this weekend with their running game and do just enough on offense again to win this one. Just slowly creeping up on people literally and figuratively.
6. Arkansas - Arky's season has been the ultimate Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde compared to last year. A lot of momentum in the beginning of the year followed by a rough patch, followed by Nightmare on Toomer's Corner. They still have some good teams they can upset and get it turned around, starting with the Florida Gators this weekend.
7. Ole Miss - Swag Kelly pulled his best Van Helsing out against Auburn, but Dracula (aka Cam Pettway) and the Auburn offense ran over that dreadful Landshark Defense and left Ole Miss fans as lifeless corpses.
8. Tennessee - The Vols are the "Unexplained Plant Toxin" from the Happening. I'll explain.... the movie starts out well, and somewhat creepy.... People are dying from something, and we don't know what. However, about halfway through you realize that the entire premise is soooooo dumb and the director M Night Shyamalan is a fraud. A lot of people thought this movie would be good but it was a pile of shite. Just like the Vols.
9. Kentucky - UK is growing as the weeks go by. They continue to win with a young QB. UK is like Pennywise. A monster of unknown origin who preys on the weak. Schedule stiffens a bit over the next 2 weeks. A wounded Georgia at home, and a dysfunctional UT in Knoxville.
10. Georgia - The WLOCP was another sobering experience for the bulldogs under year one of Kirby. The offensive line is as putrid as The Thing and moves just about as slowly.
11. South Carolina - Bentley and Co. shattered the dreams of a zombiefied Tennessee team. The government of UT is now in full shambles and anarchy has risen, giving full rise to a ragtag group of young survivors in South Carolina.
12. Vanderbilt - Vandy disappeared into the Upside-Down this week for its bye, but may want to pull another disappearing act rather than play this Auburn team.
13. Mississippi State - Mississippi State's Defense pulled their ultimate Patrick Swayze costume out for Halloween this year from his blockbuster hit "Ghost". We all expected the offense to take a step back after Dak left, but 600 yds to an FCS...c'mon now.
14. Mizzou - Mizzou is that dumb chick in every horror movie. You know the one, who can’t resist seeing what’s in the basement. The one you scream at, to quit making the same mistakes. But, we do it anyway. Because we do what we do. And it gets us killed. Every. Single. Time.