What Rhymes With Double Wide?

Crimson Tide, at least so says the Austin American Statesman:

Texas is playing the Crimson Tide in Pasadena this week for the national championship, and it's going to be a real booger trying to beat these goobers.

OK, so Alabama, a formidable foe, comes with running back Mark Ingram, the Heisman Trophy winner who hails from Flint, Mich. I went through the Alabama roster checking players' hometowns, and Ingram is only one of two players on the Alabama team from up north.

What this means is that Ingram is one of only two guys on the Alabama team who doesn't know how to dynamite fish.

Texas brings its steer mascot Bevo out to California for the game. This could be problematic because the Alabama fans might try to eat him in the parking lot.

The Alabama mascot is the Crimson Tide. The red tide. Interesting mascot.

In other words, the University of Alabama has a mascot named after a fish kill. So what do these Alabama folks bring to the games for a mascot? A bucket of dead carp?

Actually, Alabama also uses an elephant as a mascot. This is because an illustration of a bucket of dead fish doesn't look good on a hat.

For this game, Texas may be seriously out-rednecked. In its national championship game on Jan. 4, 2006, that was not the case, because Texas whupped the University of Southern California.

The only thing Alabama and Southern California have in common is that the Beverly Hillbillies ended up in Southern California. And if they weren't from Alabama, they should have been.

It's traditional for the Alabama Million Dollar Band to march onto the field at the half and form a double-wide. The University of Alabama is in Tuscaloosa, which is the Indian word meaning tube top.

If you're fixing to start up a tent revival, Alabama would be as good as any place to do it.

A little Bama history: Back in 2003, Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore made national news when he refused to remove a 5,280-pound Ten Commandments monument from the lobby of the Alabama Supreme Court. I can't think of anything done in Texas that could keep up with that in the Bubba department, except when Gov. Rick Perry hinted it might be time for Texas to secede from the Union.

The difference is in Alabama, most people think they've seceded already.

The Ten Commandments monument issue so inspired me that I wrote my own list of Alabama Commandments to put on Judge Moore's big rock. My favorite one was "Thy shalt honor thy daddy and thy mama, as soon as you can figure out who they are."

So Roll Tide. Roll over and play dead.


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