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Clean jokes thread
Posted on 4/8/14 at 2:46 pm
Posted on 4/8/14 at 2:46 pm
I stole this idea from the O-T. A good joke that's not dirty isn't always easy. Anyways, here's my contribution.
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A duck walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and asks in a shrill annoying duck voice, "Got any grapes?!"
The bartender says "No. This is a bar. We do not have grapes." The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks in the bar just the same and asks again: "Got any grapes?!" The bartender again replies "You stupid duck. No! I told you yesterday. This is a bar. We have wine. We have olives. But we do not have any fricking grapes." The duck leaves.
When this happens again on the third day, the bartender gets livid and tells the duck "If you come in here and ask for grapes one more time, I swear to God I will nail your beak to the bar."
Six months go by. The duck is never seen until...
Finally one day the duck walks back in the bar, goes to the bartender and says "Got any nails?!"
The bartender is confused. "Huh? No..." he replies.
"Got any grapes?!"
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A duck walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and asks in a shrill annoying duck voice, "Got any grapes?!"
The bartender says "No. This is a bar. We do not have grapes." The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks in the bar just the same and asks again: "Got any grapes?!" The bartender again replies "You stupid duck. No! I told you yesterday. This is a bar. We have wine. We have olives. But we do not have any fricking grapes." The duck leaves.
When this happens again on the third day, the bartender gets livid and tells the duck "If you come in here and ask for grapes one more time, I swear to God I will nail your beak to the bar."
Six months go by. The duck is never seen until...
Finally one day the duck walks back in the bar, goes to the bartender and says "Got any nails?!"
The bartender is confused. "Huh? No..." he replies.
"Got any grapes?!"
This post was edited on 4/8/14 at 2:46 pm
8
Posted on 4/8/14 at 2:49 pm to genro
quote:
"No. This is a bar. We do not have grapes."
I guess they don't serve wine then.
You nailed that joke tho!
Posted on 4/8/14 at 2:54 pm to genro
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Posted on 4/8/14 at 2:55 pm to genro
genro has the grace of a swan, the wisdom of an owl, and the eye of an eagle.
Ladies and gentlemen genro is for the birds.
Ladies and gentlemen genro is for the birds.
Posted on 4/8/14 at 2:56 pm to genro
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick
A brick
Posted on 4/8/14 at 2:57 pm to genro
Substitute "duck food" for "grapes" and you have a Mel Tillis classic. Still good, but Mel makes everything funnier.
Posted on 4/8/14 at 3:14 pm to Stonehog
quote:
genro has the grace of a swan, the wisdom of an owl, and the eye of an eagle.
Ladies and gentlemen genro is for the birds.
"Your face.......looks like.........a cauliflower"
Posted on 4/8/14 at 3:19 pm to genro
Why did Simba's dad die?
Because he couldn't Mufasa!
Because he couldn't Mufasa!
Posted on 4/8/14 at 3:41 pm to InVolNerable
A man goes to Confession in Northern Ireland about 40 years ago:
"Bless me Father for I have sinned; last night I blew up fifty miles of British railroad track."
The priest answered: "My son, for penance you must do the stations".
"Bless me Father for I have sinned; last night I blew up fifty miles of British railroad track."
The priest answered: "My son, for penance you must do the stations".
Posted on 4/8/14 at 5:01 pm to jackmanusc
A man and woman are talking to each other.
Man: Have you heard the joke about the bed?
Woman: No, what joke?
Man: It hasn't been made up yet.
Man: Have you heard the joke about the bed?
Woman: No, what joke?
Man: It hasn't been made up yet.
Posted on 4/8/14 at 5:15 pm to dawgsjw
From one of SafetySam's young'uns:
World's shortest joke:
"Two women sitting quietly."
I say the young man has a bright future.
World's shortest joke:
"Two women sitting quietly."
I say the young man has a bright future.
Posted on 4/8/14 at 5:33 pm to genro
Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.
He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.
He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
Posted on 4/8/14 at 5:36 pm to Santa Clawz
quote:
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick
This made me cringe
Posted on 4/8/14 at 5:37 pm to Kentucker
Girl: Somebody told me you sound like a owl.
Guy: Who ?
Guy: Who ?
This post was edited on 4/8/14 at 5:38 pm
Posted on 4/8/14 at 5:44 pm to genro
A chemical factory is on fire with the flames being too tough for firefighters to get close enough to put it out.
The foreman of the plant grabs the closest reporter and camera crew.
"If any firefighter crew can put out this fire, there'll be a hefty 50,000 dollar reward if you manage to save the equipment inside."
Out of no where this old siren followed by an even older truck comes barreling around the corner with men who are clearly in their 50's and 60's.
While all of the young firemen stay outside, the old fellows go barreling right through the front gate and toward the intense flames.
They get out and just start beatin' the frick out of the fire with blankets, water, anything they can grab.
In the end the old men stumble their way back out the gate, their eyebrows missing, hair singing and faces turned black.
The reporter rushes up to them, breathlessly saying:
"Oh my God! You guys did it! What will you do with the money!?"
The firefighter looks at her and replies:
"Well, ma'am. I think we're gonna go ahead and buy some new brakes for the truck."
The foreman of the plant grabs the closest reporter and camera crew.
"If any firefighter crew can put out this fire, there'll be a hefty 50,000 dollar reward if you manage to save the equipment inside."
Out of no where this old siren followed by an even older truck comes barreling around the corner with men who are clearly in their 50's and 60's.
While all of the young firemen stay outside, the old fellows go barreling right through the front gate and toward the intense flames.
They get out and just start beatin' the frick out of the fire with blankets, water, anything they can grab.
In the end the old men stumble their way back out the gate, their eyebrows missing, hair singing and faces turned black.
The reporter rushes up to them, breathlessly saying:
"Oh my God! You guys did it! What will you do with the money!?"
The firefighter looks at her and replies:
"Well, ma'am. I think we're gonna go ahead and buy some new brakes for the truck."
Posted on 4/8/14 at 6:21 pm to StrawsDrawnAtRandom
I had a joke about Jonestown, but the punchline is too long.
Posted on 4/8/14 at 6:24 pm to Vols&Shaft83
I had a joke about Alzheimer's, but I forget the punchline.
Posted on 4/8/14 at 6:29 pm to PrivatePublic
I had a joke about schizophrenia, but the elves are eating sunshine
Posted on 4/8/14 at 6:39 pm to genro
I love taking my blind niece out for a drive.
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.
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