re: Rolling The Tide | America's most embarrassing fan base and their stories

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He's a 38 year old grandfather and he owns fourteen shirts, thirteen of which have to do with Alabama football's mythical national titles.
An important aspect of his life is that everyone must know that Alabama is his favorite team at every moment of his life. His truck, his trailer, his clothing, his animals, his arm, his parole papers -- all of them must include a reference to his Alabama fandom.
To not do this would be unacceptable.
When he was 19 he got a 14 year old pregnant, married her, and then got another, different, 14 year old pregnant and subsequently got divorced. Then he got a third 14 year old pregnant and there was only one appropriate way to celebrate this accomplishment while simultaneously combining it with his love for Bama football.
His tailgate was his canvas.

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Despite dropping out of school of his own volition at the age of 16 he blames, "the Mexicans and Mike Shula," for everything that has gone wrong in his life for the past twenty years.
He spent the Mike Shula era in prison for passing bad checks at Mexican restaurants -- at his trial he said, "I wish they'd go back to their country, but leave their burritos," -- but he still felt compelled to send Shula fan letters from prison.
Every single letter began with, "Hey looser," and ended with "your gay."
His proudest moment in the past fifteen years was when he was best man at his son's shotgun wedding outside Bama's stadium before the 2013 spring game.

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He "made it classy" by convincing his son to wear a houndstooth hat.
The wedding was doubly powerful because he had conceived the same son while wearing this same Stabler jersey and having sex with the third 14 year old in a Tuscaloosa Waffle House bathroom.
The circle of Bama fan life.
One of his other sons married a tattoo parlor chick and they got their picture taken for the family Christmas card.
That son wore his awesome new Alabama swag t-shirt.

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Their fifth child was a football.
Even the family dog of the "smart son" can't escape having a favorite football team.
The "smart son" graduated from high school at the age of 20 and now lives in Birmingham where he plays in a band and "acts all uppity."
By "acts all uppity," they mean, "doesn't live in a trailer."

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If y'all want to judge him, y'all can all go to hell and "kiss the rings."
He doesn't mean literally kiss the rings since he pawned each of his wedding rings and sold platelets to go watch the latest Alabama-Auburn game.
Roll Tide, Roll, bitches.
Home sweet home.

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By the way, he just claimed another national title for this #1 dumbest fan base ranking.
He would travel to Tennessee to shake my hand in person if it wasn't a parole violation to do so.

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