This is a letter I wrote some years ago, but it is still the best I can do to express hope for a sporting encounter with my Tennessee friends this TSIO.

Tennessee Sucks: 1966, in Knoxville during the Kenny Stabler game, final score 11-10 Alabama... I saw a one-strap overall wearing, ridge running moonshiner throw a 9-year-old kid in a red sweater up against a fence after the game.

In college after Vietnam, I made a mistake and with a few friends, drove all night to Knoxville for basketball game during Ernie and Bernie era... Thank god Alabama lost in triple OT. We had to fight our way out, and almost didn't get out of there in one piece, Alabama pep band had all their trombones bent... we were soaked in liquid stuff… mostly bad moonshine, but god knows what else…

Every odd numbered year, I-65 southbound has all the overpasses decorated with encouraging friendly welcome signs facinng north such as "Nothing sucks like the big orange" just for our toothless, vacant-brained, jalopy riding, mangy coon-dog owning, half-Yankee, half-cove dwelling inbred, fetal positioned, back woods, musket carrying, illiterate, one-hole outhouse complete with corn cobs using, neighbors. Northbound the signs read simply "...now get the hell out..."

If by some mistake I accidently drive I-81 when going north, I roll up my windows and haul azz waiting until Virginia to buy gas. God help the innocent who wanders off of I-65 between the Alabama border and Nashville... they will see people... well I guess even sub-human species are "people"… the like of which are rarely seen in civilized areas, and then usually only in some type of institution.

I got married in Tuscaloosa on Tennessee Saturday in 1980... drove out the same day so I didn't get cootees or lice from the invading horde of unwashed moonshine drunks. That was the day I finally realized the “Beverly Hillbillies” TV program was actually an understated depiction of the denizens of “Tainnerrseee.”

Frick Tennessee and the color orange which is the only word in the English language for which there is no rhyme. Hell, no reason either. Only things halfway interesting about that State are the coeds... you can't spell "slut" without "UT."

And, what's with all the stupid repeating letters in that god-forsaken name? It’s as if some kid in 2nd grade was taught to write like this: Tennessee suuckss liikee a biiigg oraangee. And another thing…Knoxville, voted an All-Amercian city in the “UGLY” category, should be renamed "down and out hard Knocks-ville." The city matches the stadium… both bear a remarkable visual similarity to a prison.

Oh well ... you’uns and granny have a nice visit now ya’hear, bless your little dumb-as-a-post hearts. But please go home to buy your four course special restaurant meal consisting of 4 pieces of Kentucky Tennessee fried chicken. In Alabama the restaurants don't allow paying for a meal by trying to barter using chickens or piglets, or a bushel of corn.

What does it say about Tennessee when its borders touch eight other States, and the residents of all of them despise and loath Tennessee. Even States one removed from that cesspool, such as Florida, hold their nose. Originally Col. Sanders wouldn't even allow Kentucky Fried to be sold in Tennessee, and that is because every other State in the SEC thinks Tennessee sucks...just like a big orange.

Oh... and I don't hate to inform you but "Rocky Top" might beat out "Boomer Sooner" for the worst, most irritating fight song in the universe. I've always suspected that "rocky top" actually referred to the content of Tennessee dweller's craniums. And one last thing… that damn mangy hound dog mascot is a real bitch. Greatest radio feed ever: "Smokey, the Tennessee mascot, just walked out of the tunnel. I'm standing about 70 yards away, Eli. If I had my deer rifle, I think I could drop him."

This post was edited on 10/21/21 at 4:04 pm