The heart of Auburn

I’m determined to see what drives someone to become an Auburn fan. My fascination with cheating began when I was just a boy. I kept having these dreams where swirling black masses would engulf me. Snake-like figures with the heads of cows.

I’ve spent years and thousands of dollars trying to determine the meaning of these dreams. They ARE CONNECTED TO AUBURN. I can feel it. If I think he’s enough I think I can see money being exchanged. My local seer assured me that I had nothing to worry about, it was probably just Satan trying to contact me after all. But today...today I had an epiphany.

It occurred to me when I was approached by a tranny in Birmingham who needed help with her homework. Clearly another cheater, perhaps even some code for asking if I would accept money to play at Auburn. I asked her: “Who do I look like, Nick Marshall?”

She was confused, her eyes darting across the room frantically looking for an escape. She never expected this, her cheating ways confronted so quickly.

“I have no idea what you are talking about man. I just need help with math.”

Another lie. “Look I’m not taking any from you goddamnit, I have standards after all.”

She gave me another confused look and then seemed to give up, she walked away. I sat down on the concrete sidewalk to ponder this near-cheating experience. Then it hit me: she has no idea why she cheats either!

Do Auburn fans know they are an army of bagmen ready to be recruited at a moments notice to provide either money or sex to recruits? I think I may have stumbled upon their secret. Their path to victory.