Posted By: Smith

Sunday, 21 JULY 2002 8:47 pm

Folks, I was as amused as anyone when they voted out the cowbell, and I enjoyed the conniptions that the necks had over it more than most. But, I have been over to Swindoll's and have read a thread (the longest on there) titled "How Old Is Your Cowbell???" And I am now haunted by an apprehension that we were wrong to take their cowbells away. We assumed with Spartan haughtiness that we were dealing with mere objects...things...bells only.

But this rube relic from the past, judged so contemptuously bt 21sr Century America, is much more than a thing to these unusual people. I saw genuine affection; sometimes possible sexual affection, for these childish and obnoxious nuisances. Read below, as I share the melancholy reminiscences that have so humbled me today; see the loving descriptions that are volunteered far and above the simple answer to the question...How Old Is Your Cowbell???
Read from Swindoll's and learn humilty:

1) The Good Little Bell
"I had a good little bell my freshman year and we went to the Liberty Bowl"

Now some of you hard cases like JediReb, are probably thinking that one was from the famous BulldogBacker, but it wasn't. Believe it or not though, BulldogBacker did contribute. He said: "I have a shiny chrome one."

2) The Bell Family
"This is my 20th season for my 'game bell'. I have another one that is silver plated. It doesn't leave the house. My daughter got a "full size" of her own last year. My son has a "hand bell." My wife's bell belonged to her uncle."

Folks, every single member of this hayseed's family has a cowbell of some sort. Did any of you know there were different kinds? At least the silver plated one "stays home."

3) The Graduate Bell
"Mine was welded on campus in '64. The handle is wrapped in a maroon leather MSU diploma cover."

Now, I have heard that there were different kinds of handle. (The modern day favorite I understand is the "blister resistant latex-handled" cowbell which is best for hours of continuous clanging.) But, I would never have thought of a "maroon leather MSU diploma cover-wrapped handled" cowbell...No, I would not have.

4) The "War" Bell and The "Stealth" Bell
"My second one is about 3 years old. It's smaller, maroon with a white handle. This is my current "war" bell, the one I carry into battle."

"I have a "stealth" bell that is 13 years old. It has entered several places undetected. Once inside, it is loud and proud. It currently houses it's third clapper. It already has reservations for VHS this T-day."

Is it me or do these fools talk about them as if they are something more than inanimate objects? How about this one that gets "loud and proud" and "currently houses it's third clapper" and has "reservations"?
But, I do believe this next one is the most touching.

5) A Lifelong Friend
"Mine was bought in the last week of August, 1955. (I don't remember the exact date.) And the handle was welded on two days later. In my younger days, I rung it at every game, but it's a big belland too heavy for me to carry now..."

Folks, if you think I am crass enough to ridicule that, you are wrong. Here's an old man who can peer back through the mists of time...half a century...and remember the year, month, and week of the event; and seems apologetic that he can't remember the exact day!
What was this so memorable event? His wedding? The birth of his first child? No. It was the day he bought his cowbell. And, he remembers that it was precisely two days later that there was union of bell and handle; thus creating...cowbell. Perhaps there was wedding and birth after all.

6) The "Pinched" Cowbell
"I got mine back from that junk pile of a room they kept them in at Bryant-Denny (meaning they took it away at Alabama), only to lend it to some band chicks for the half-time at the Ole Miss game, and never got it back. It was 10 years old at the time."

Now folks, who couldn't feel compassion for this hapless neck? A cowbell meams so much to him that he still feels the need to take a shot at the condition of the room it was kept in for 3 hours after it's capture and confinement in Tuscaloosa. And, notice how he quits keeping up with it's years after it was lost...as if it passed away. And, those harlots...those "band chicks" who invelgled it out of him...with their wiles and persuasions...of which we are all so familiar. We know to watch our wallets; but who would have thought they would come after your cowbell?

7) The Mellow Neck
"Bought mine in'82. Still has the remnants of the original Bully Bell sticker on it. Thinking about getting a new paint job. Dismantled a picnic table with it during the LSU game a few years ago. I don't get as angry these days."

My question is: How long do you suppose the average hayseed thinks about "getting a new paint job" for his COWBELL before he makes the decision to go ahead and go for it?

8) European Cowbell
"Bought my present one in Switzerland in 1976. Had handle welded on it and clapper replaced twice. One of my most prized possessions."

Now, my first thought is this: How did one of these stupid rubes ever hear of Switzerland; let alone get there? I don't know, but when he got there, what did he do? He bought a cowbell!! When a man will shop for a cowbell in Switzerland, what else then should we suppose falls under the intriguing category of "prized possessions"? Perhaps a Blue Tick from Rhine Valley?

There's more, but I'm tired of typing. Besides, I'm convinced. Keep the cowbell.