Micromanipulations: A Narcissist's Method of Control

Manipulation is one of the most reliable behaviors of a narcissist. Whether someone is a full-blown diagnosed narcissist or just displays some of the traits, manipulation is a key tactic of achieving an end goal. In some cases, manipulation is easy to identify and can be avoided or ignored; take, for example, a pushy salesperson or even politicians and CEOs. However, manipulation tends to be much more covert when coming from a personally loved and trusted individual.

With love comes vulnerability. In the right hands, our insecurities and self-doubts are safe and respected. But in the hands of a manipulative individual, our kindness and love are taken for granted and twisted into exploitation. Manipulation can be direct or covert; regardless of the style, the intention is to control and hurt.

The Psychological Harassment Information Association describes manipulation as when the abuser is using personal, private, and sensitive information to destabilize the victim (2010). The purpose behind this is ideation, or that the victim is being led to believe something false for the manipulator to gain—or re-gain—control.

Both direct and indirect manipulations are used to keep an individual close and attached. The exaggerated and dramatic tales are meant to maintain attention that may be slipping. It is important to understand that these tactics are not due to the manipulator loving you and wanting you to stay; rather, it is because your love, attention, and attachment are beginning to fray.

Think of a relationship between a narcissist and her partner as a rope. The rope used to be coated in something attractive and comforting and soothing; it was coercive enough to entrap the individual into thinking the possession was love. As the relationship lengthened, the rope got tighter and more in control of the manipulator. But as the rope’s tension increased, the warm and deceitful covering began to wear off and the rope itself began to chafe and burn against the victim. Manipulations are used as an effort to recover the rope in its sheath and keep it from snapping, thus setting the victim free.

Narcissists cannot accept the fact that another person does not want to be with them or even goes as far as rejecting the narcissist. Remember that a key trait of narcissists is an overblown, undeserved ego and an inner belief that people are jealous of them. To them, it is simply not possible that their partner doesn’t love them and can live happily without them. If the narcissist loses the attention and affirmations of just one individual that was previously well-controlled, they will go to extreme lengths to regain that control through manipulation.

Kristy Lee Hochenberger
Love in the Age of Narcissism

Psychology Today