Breaking down the SEC, Pirate-style

For those that don't know what I'm talking about, take a couple minutes to familiarize yourself:
The Pirate

Moving from east to west:

*The Gator is only a problem if you get in, or near infested waters. Just bring a toothbrush and you'll be able to calm him down according to Bobby Boucher's Mama.
*The Tide/Elephant - If Bama's mascot were an actual crimson-colored tidal wave they'd be at the top of the heap. However, an elephant is just going to fall victim to the Sooners (explained later)
*The Bulldog (both) doesn't stand a chance. Years of inbreeding and overfeeding have created a four-legged feast for the rest of SEC mascots.
*The Gamecock is an intimidating name for a chicken. He'll survive for a little while if we put some razor blades on his spurs.
*Volunteer - Is he on his way to fight Mexicans, or is he busy with his sister? The answer to that question determines his ferocity.
*Commodore - If he's smart he'll get on his boat and head for calmer waters. These waters haven't been too kind.
*How wild is the Wildcat? Is this a feral alley cat or a "girls gone wild-cat?" I guess either way, it's fricked.
*Tigers (x3) - Obviously the most lethal of all the animal mascots, but they all offer something different. Auburn's can apparently morph into an eagle (which is cool). LSU has an actual Tiger, but it looks bored and apathetic in its cage. Mizzou has Truman the Tiger, named after the only person in world history to have used nuclear weapons (so far). Now THAT is a badass m'fer.
*Rebels - What are they rebelling against? Do they want to be a bear? A land-shark? What? They get eaten while trying to figure their shite out.
*Aggies - Easily towards the bottom here. They can look after the pigs and steers (insert queer joke) until their eaten, but after that they are on the menu.
*Razorbacks - Not-so-intimidating pork. The other white meat can run, but they can't hide.
*Longhorns - They can't run, nor hide, but they're not the first victim, just the second. Beef, it's what's for dinner.
*Sooners - In other words, cheaters and thieves. Karma ends up killing them while they are attempting to poach Bama's elephant for ivory. Ironically, they are the first to go, gored to death the Longhorn sneaking up from behind (insert dildo joke).