OT - Help/advice sought

Were you the one that caught your wife creeping around with the officer? Is she getting full custody? I feel for you, man.

I've got a soon-to-be 9 and soon-to-be 5 year old as well as a 5 month old. I couldn't imagine dealing with what you are right now. That said, I don't think it's going to be as much about the home change as the people IN it. My son is now in his 6th house since being born (though this one is likely our last one), so he's gotten used to the change and it has really never been a big deal. And of course, Santa can still go to EVERY house. Just because they move doesn't mean he won't know where they are. The question there is will your ex have the gumption to carry on the routine on her own? Probably the biggest thing is you might want to figure out how to go ahead and break this news to them. Don't let it blindside them at the last second. Give them time to adjust to the idea. I would discuss it with the ex and try to do it with respect for one another as the parents of your children. Don't say anything to throw her under the bus and she should do the same. Your kids, in time, will be old enough to connect the dots and will figure it all out. It seems clear that you care about them and the most important thing is that THEY continue to know that, no matter what happens between you and the ex.

I know you're likely pretty bitter (I know I would be), but the relationship is gone. Nothing you say or do now will make that part any better. What isn't gone is the relationship you have with your kids - and whatever you have to do to maintain that.....do it.

Wish you the best, man. I hope everything gets worked out for all of you.

Sounds like he needs a explanation for why Santa goes to two different houses on different days. I don't know though

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Were you the one that caught your wife creeping around with the officer? Is she getting full custody? I feel for you, man.

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That was me, but she's the officer and he was a contractor. My lawyer feels that I can win the custody battle, but I want to do whats best for the children.

I guess my post was a little unclear for everyone, and I apologize. Your post pretty much summed up my need. I'm just so pissed that she blindsided me with the divorce - and the affair - and that abuse stuff that she never once told me of until after mentioning divorce. Ugh.

I don't want my kids to feel any amount of pain but I know that this will. They think when she comes back she will return to the house as normal. Hell, they are asking questions as to why I can't come do things with them when she is in town and takes them somewhere - to which she always plays it off I have stuff to do and can't go. It's almost as if she is conditioning them for this.

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I'm just so pissed that she blindsided me with the divorce - and the affair - and that abuse stuff

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I might have missed an update previously. I knew divorce was on the table, but I don't think I knew she filed for it. Did that happen after your initial post about it? At the time, I thought you were still contemplating confronting her. Also hadn't heard the "abuse" claim. Is that going to cause an issue in the custody battle?

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to which she always plays it off I have stuff to do and can't go.

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In a way, she's at least handling this right. The only bad part is she's making it sound like you're too busy with "other stuff" to be with them, so you may want to discuss the characterization of this with her and how she is portraying the value of your time with your kids to them. At some point, the cat has to come out of the bag. You're going to have a better idea than anyone else as to when that will be best.

Is there any way that the two of you can suck it up and deal with this together, as a family? It's not something one parent needs to announce on their own (if for no other reason than that you need to be involved in the answers to their questions about "why"). It's in the best interest of you both.

Again, best thing you can do (both of you) is to not demonize the other, no matter how "in the wrong" you or she may be on this. The Christmas suggestion above sounds like a pretty ideal way to handle it, too.

I haven't been through your exact situation but have been in some similarly dark situations.
Although it's much easier to say than it is to accept or hear it's absolutely been true for me. "Time Heals"
Also kids are remarkably resilient.

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Just remember, Santa is magic. He knows what it going on and has many families that are separated/divorced. He and his elves know how to adjust. Just like he knows how to leave presents at houses that have no chimney. He works it out. We don't have to know how or why, just that he does.

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Thank you, Bronco. I know but it doesn't make it any easier.

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BTW, I say all of this not only as a parent, but also as someone whose parents divorced when I was 5. It changed my living situation a good bit, but things all worked out and were good. They were different, but they were okay.

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Mine divorced when I was 4. They were both there to tell me, and everything worked out fine for me until about 5 years down the road when my stepdad (Navy) got transferred to Texas and we had to pick up and move while my dad still lives in Georgia. As a kid, that hurt.

Point is, when parents get a divorce, the kids will be hurt in some way. There is no easy way to break the news. You should both be there when they are told, though. When they ask why, well I can't help you there. Just make sure they know it isn't their fault.

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You'll have the wisdom as their father who loves them to answer them in a way that's appropriate for their age at the time. At ages 5 and 7 that might include some 'white lies' for lack of a better phrase to help them deal with it at their current age. From what I've gathered you're the one most interested in your children while your wife is interested in her SELF. I assure you Spaceman, maybe not NOW (because of their age), but ultimately you'll be able to tell your children the exact truth. And that is when her karma will begin its ultimate payback to her. The truth will be honored by your children at that time.

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Thank you. I guess the finality of it all is hitting home really hard. I'm just so worried about them. I've always told them that I will never lie to them, ever. And have always kept my promises, no matter how hard it was to do. I know there will be questions. I have a feeling Karma will get her - as she most likely is thinking she is getting away with everything scott-free.

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Spaceman Spiff

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my parents divorced after I knew Santa was a lie....but I had two little brothers who still believed....Fight like hell to get them on Christmas Eve...and be Santa as long as you can...


the biggest thing to remember in all of this though is:

BE a KICKASS Dad...regardless of what she does...they will remember your efforts when it matters...my Dad was always to busy after the divorce...our relationship now reflects that..we are good but he knows my goal with my own boys is to be everything he wasn't....it has driven me to be a pretty good father....be awesome...fight fro them...and tell that Bitch...that you are fricking Santa...her cheatin' arse lost that right when she fricked another guy!!