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How I left clemson and met your mother
Posted on 10/6/15 at 3:38 pm
Posted on 10/6/15 at 3:38 pm
Alright some of you keep trying to wrestle the details surrounding that last weekend from me so here they are. you are some persistent counts and I salute you for it
My plans to depart that cheetoh stained babylon and move to atlanta had finally fermented. It was friday and I would abandon my current lifestyle on sunday night. But there was unfinished business to finish. We needed a night to cement the legend. And thats what we got
We rallied up after work in the sonic parking lot to lay our best plan. Illegal sundry items were discussed and agreed upon. It was me, my buddy owen, his girlfriend amber, and my partner James who also went by the name carl. And by partner I dont mean gay suck partner, I mean business partner. He was from texas and had a GC license and pulled all my permits
Owen and amber were perhaps the most magnificent couple I'd ever met. He was a talk gangly bumpkin with beady porn hog eyes and a long luxurious goatee that reminded me of the fern on my porch that I named Robert the Plant. Owen was an accommodating soul. Now amber, this randy trollop, I could devote 15 paragraphs to. She stood about 5 ft but somehow looked lovingly down at us all. The first thing you noticed about amber was her left hand. It wasn't positioned correctly at the end of a gnarled wrist that was glossy and showed the tracks of surgical malpractice. I knew her about 4 months before I asked and then learned that her hand had been completely severed off in a four wheeler accident when she was 12. She took the settlement money and purchased a set of the most celestial titties id ever fricking seen. Which was the third thing you noticed about her
So we talked of activities. Carl mentioned some exhibit at the Swinney Centre for Over Enthusiastic Arts on campus. Some post-sleaze blood and tissue graffiti exhibit by a local douche artist named Spanksy. but we decided that too gauche even for our crowd. So we said we'd just load the igloo with blue ribbons and pig knuckles and take the pontoon out. The end was nigh
It was about 8 oclock and near dark when we shoved off. We immediately found a small windless cove and poured out a pile of cocaine bigger than el chappo. James mowed down about five sand castles worth and laid down on the front of the boat, his face looking like a wheelchair accident . Amber of course went after the pile like ali/frazier. Bitch was a god damn gargoyle. She scarfed up half the pile then stumbled to the back of the boat to piss. It didnt surprise any of us when she snatched her bottoms off and perched on the handrail like a raunchy pigeon. Her gushing pussy was eye level with us all and looked like a sideways krystal burger wearing a bow tie. At first she seemed flattered at the attention,but then she got irritated. She yelled at us and told us it was like the sun, we were supposed to glance then either squint or look away. None of us looked away. Then no sooner had the last driblet hit the lake when she hopped down onto the boat like a feisty toddler. She then turned around, bent over, and unpaired her skinny whore legs. Owen was too coma toast to adequately show his horror when she started winking at us with her a-hole. She started laughing like an unhinged maniac. Now, I know popular sphinctology asks us all to believe that anuses are non directional, but she was winking at me. And we all knew it. I was ashamed. Jimmy buffet warbled about cheeseburgers through the shitty marine speakers. I remember this because I remember thinking that if a certain van morrison song came on at that moment we'd all have to destroy one another
After the scene normalized we all gathered our wits. I implored them to find some gathering on the shore where I could fix my reticles on some filthy lady trash ,and they allowed it. So we pulled up anchor and headed for more promising times
(to be cont)
My plans to depart that cheetoh stained babylon and move to atlanta had finally fermented. It was friday and I would abandon my current lifestyle on sunday night. But there was unfinished business to finish. We needed a night to cement the legend. And thats what we got
We rallied up after work in the sonic parking lot to lay our best plan. Illegal sundry items were discussed and agreed upon. It was me, my buddy owen, his girlfriend amber, and my partner James who also went by the name carl. And by partner I dont mean gay suck partner, I mean business partner. He was from texas and had a GC license and pulled all my permits
Owen and amber were perhaps the most magnificent couple I'd ever met. He was a talk gangly bumpkin with beady porn hog eyes and a long luxurious goatee that reminded me of the fern on my porch that I named Robert the Plant. Owen was an accommodating soul. Now amber, this randy trollop, I could devote 15 paragraphs to. She stood about 5 ft but somehow looked lovingly down at us all. The first thing you noticed about amber was her left hand. It wasn't positioned correctly at the end of a gnarled wrist that was glossy and showed the tracks of surgical malpractice. I knew her about 4 months before I asked and then learned that her hand had been completely severed off in a four wheeler accident when she was 12. She took the settlement money and purchased a set of the most celestial titties id ever fricking seen. Which was the third thing you noticed about her
So we talked of activities. Carl mentioned some exhibit at the Swinney Centre for Over Enthusiastic Arts on campus. Some post-sleaze blood and tissue graffiti exhibit by a local douche artist named Spanksy. but we decided that too gauche even for our crowd. So we said we'd just load the igloo with blue ribbons and pig knuckles and take the pontoon out. The end was nigh
It was about 8 oclock and near dark when we shoved off. We immediately found a small windless cove and poured out a pile of cocaine bigger than el chappo. James mowed down about five sand castles worth and laid down on the front of the boat, his face looking like a wheelchair accident . Amber of course went after the pile like ali/frazier. Bitch was a god damn gargoyle. She scarfed up half the pile then stumbled to the back of the boat to piss. It didnt surprise any of us when she snatched her bottoms off and perched on the handrail like a raunchy pigeon. Her gushing pussy was eye level with us all and looked like a sideways krystal burger wearing a bow tie. At first she seemed flattered at the attention,but then she got irritated. She yelled at us and told us it was like the sun, we were supposed to glance then either squint or look away. None of us looked away. Then no sooner had the last driblet hit the lake when she hopped down onto the boat like a feisty toddler. She then turned around, bent over, and unpaired her skinny whore legs. Owen was too coma toast to adequately show his horror when she started winking at us with her a-hole. She started laughing like an unhinged maniac. Now, I know popular sphinctology asks us all to believe that anuses are non directional, but she was winking at me. And we all knew it. I was ashamed. Jimmy buffet warbled about cheeseburgers through the shitty marine speakers. I remember this because I remember thinking that if a certain van morrison song came on at that moment we'd all have to destroy one another
After the scene normalized we all gathered our wits. I implored them to find some gathering on the shore where I could fix my reticles on some filthy lady trash ,and they allowed it. So we pulled up anchor and headed for more promising times
(to be cont)
This post was edited on 10/6/15 at 3:45 pm
7
Posted on 10/6/15 at 3:47 pm to Chef Leppard
MORE MORE MORE
Posted on 10/6/15 at 4:10 pm to Chef Leppard
Posted on 10/6/15 at 4:39 pm to Chef Leppard
Wow... poetry... 
Posted on 10/6/15 at 6:17 pm to Chef Leppard
It's like a Tybee story. With more punctuation.
Posted on 10/6/15 at 7:51 pm to dallasga6
Her sweet cherubic face was oblong and glowed in the ether like a freshly disinfected toilet seat. her smile was warm and familiar, like that picture of dogs playing pool. She stood amongst a gaggle of local whores but our souls located one another from fifty yards apart like Garmin . There must have been a dozen of them. They had been dancing and touching, frolicking like black kids at a family reunion. the soothing sound of 2chainz pulsated from a battery powered clock radio that rested in the crossed arms of some drunk dude with a huge wet piss stain down the front of his jeans. He wasn't concious but he clutched that radio like it was his favorite ham and he dreamed of a thousand sandwiches
The sirens all turned to us and studied our approach. They knew what we were. A love militia. here to bomb this territory with dick, rebuild it, and install democracy. And she was the bow legged dictator I intended to depose. Her name was brandy
I strutted up to her like a prehistoric boss. My friends fumbled around and lagged behind me like dickheads. I introduced myself as Waylon. it was the most awesome name I could think of at the time. She asked me if we had any drugs. I winced and told her of the account leading up to ambers a-hole. She wasnt even angry, she just reached out and touched my hand with the knowing affection of a woman who's been there before. She then stepped over to a bag that sat on the ground near the fire and unpursed a giant sack of delicious looking molly. my eyes pooled with fat salty tears in a way they havent since that time i was stoned and found out the McRib was back. We smiled and our eyes danced together like an elderly couple at the VFW. some really nasty shite was going to happen tonight
The sirens all turned to us and studied our approach. They knew what we were. A love militia. here to bomb this territory with dick, rebuild it, and install democracy. And she was the bow legged dictator I intended to depose. Her name was brandy
I strutted up to her like a prehistoric boss. My friends fumbled around and lagged behind me like dickheads. I introduced myself as Waylon. it was the most awesome name I could think of at the time. She asked me if we had any drugs. I winced and told her of the account leading up to ambers a-hole. She wasnt even angry, she just reached out and touched my hand with the knowing affection of a woman who's been there before. She then stepped over to a bag that sat on the ground near the fire and unpursed a giant sack of delicious looking molly. my eyes pooled with fat salty tears in a way they havent since that time i was stoned and found out the McRib was back. We smiled and our eyes danced together like an elderly couple at the VFW. some really nasty shite was going to happen tonight
Posted on 10/6/15 at 8:01 pm to Chef Leppard
Holy shite that's some funny stuff
Posted on 10/6/15 at 8:02 pm to Chef Leppard
And....
Posted on 10/6/15 at 8:04 pm to Chef Leppard
WHERE THE frick IS MY BOOKMARK FUNCTION????
I began re-reading A Feast of Snakes this morning and I come home to this marvelous tale
I began re-reading A Feast of Snakes this morning and I come home to this marvelous tale
Posted on 10/6/15 at 8:06 pm to Chef Leppard
quote:
her smile was warm and familiar, like that picture of dogs playing pool.
my fricking god this is the greatest line ever committed to human literature 
Posted on 10/6/15 at 8:07 pm to tylerdurden24
I take that last post back:
I will never try writing a single thing of substance again
quote:
He wasn't concious but he clutched that radio like it was his favorite ham and he dreamed of a thousand sandwiches
I will never try writing a single thing of substance again
Posted on 10/6/15 at 9:15 pm to tylerdurden24
Quality work Tybee
Posted on 10/6/15 at 9:46 pm to Peter Buck
Amazing...
Posted on 10/6/15 at 9:48 pm to tylerdurden24
I knew it would take a stroke of degenerate tomfoolery to subtract brandy from the whore herd. and I knew it would take the seasoned buttfrickery of Carl. in the world of bullshite, Carl is Gandalf and we're all club footed midgets from the shire. Im not really sure how this happened. He isnt a handsome bastard. All I know is supposedly 7 or 8 years ago he contracted herpes from sitting on the same toilet seat as his mom at home. Angry at the universe, he moved here to georgia and disappeared down in vidalia for a few years like a shaolin monk. When he reemerged, he was a silky smooth piece of shite hell bent on spreading dick measles throughout the entire female species. He was a porn stache John Nash and had solved all the pussy equations. even more impressive given that he always smelled like diaper ointment
So I unleashed Carl and his grimy voodoo on the audience. It wasnt even fricking fair. For about 20 minutes I watched him glide from whore to whore like a circus bear on roller skates. He was elegant. A few of them he'd grind on like pre-aids Pat Swayze, another couple he'd tell a few jokes to while he'd casually rummage in his trunks and reallign his balls. One of them he just walked up to and cow farted in front of while he made deep soviet eye contact. And it all worked, all of it. He disappeared into the woods and one at a time the whores faded into the foliage. The valtrex vampire would soon devour them all
So here I was, the hard dick postmaster ready to stamp that arse. All that was left was brandy and me, the rohypnol piss dj, and owen and amber. And none of them mattered. Owen and amber had gotten into the molly already and were 69ing over by the fire, locked in a disgruntled yin yang arse eating contest. So brandy and I jumped on the boat. I had her drive so I could hang off the front and yell "king of the world" as we headed back toward civilization and the disgusting asylum of my red roof inn room
(to be cont.)
So I unleashed Carl and his grimy voodoo on the audience. It wasnt even fricking fair. For about 20 minutes I watched him glide from whore to whore like a circus bear on roller skates. He was elegant. A few of them he'd grind on like pre-aids Pat Swayze, another couple he'd tell a few jokes to while he'd casually rummage in his trunks and reallign his balls. One of them he just walked up to and cow farted in front of while he made deep soviet eye contact. And it all worked, all of it. He disappeared into the woods and one at a time the whores faded into the foliage. The valtrex vampire would soon devour them all
So here I was, the hard dick postmaster ready to stamp that arse. All that was left was brandy and me, the rohypnol piss dj, and owen and amber. And none of them mattered. Owen and amber had gotten into the molly already and were 69ing over by the fire, locked in a disgruntled yin yang arse eating contest. So brandy and I jumped on the boat. I had her drive so I could hang off the front and yell "king of the world" as we headed back toward civilization and the disgusting asylum of my red roof inn room
(to be cont.)
This post was edited on 10/6/15 at 10:06 pm
Posted on 10/6/15 at 9:53 pm to Chef Leppard
quote:
One of them he just walked up to and cow farted in front of while he made deep soviet eye contact.
Posted on 10/6/15 at 10:09 pm to Chef Leppard
The only thing I know anymore is that I never want this story to end 
Posted on 10/7/15 at 12:07 am to tylerdurden24
So we hit land and head to the motel. All I know is im about to do things to this whore they wont even do down at guantanamo. Interrogation technique type shite. when im done she's gonna feel like andy dufresne that crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shite. Red roof will need to send in a haz mat team
So of course first things first, we get into the dope. Now im not saying I have any cosby sweaters hanging in my closet, but I do appreciate a well medicated piece of arse. And hit it hard we did. shite got really creepy. im not sure where the frick this molly came from but this shite here would have clay aiken eating pussy. I felt like jim morrison in the desert. It was fricking intense. The last thing I remember was sweating my balls off butt naked in the fetal position on the bathroom floor saying the pledge of allegiance over and over again. Apparently it didnt hit her quite as hard because she was just laying in the bed watching the weather channel
Ok, so this next scene is kind of hard to explain. Now I dont know what part of my upbringing allows me to engage in certain acts of wanton depravity like this, but I dont forgive my parents for it. All I know is that when I regain lucidity here I am laying across the bed, wearing her underwear, I have davinci code glyphs drawn all over my body in pink lipstick, and for unknown reasons I'm in the process of cramming the girls entire cell phone into her vagina. Oh yea, and i have my phone out taking pictures. One could theorize that perhaps I was trying to use both phones to create some advanced photographic refractory angle and take a super high definition picture of her cervix to put on facebook. but its like trying to explain stonehenge really. All I know is she must not have had premium handset coverage on her phone because when she woke up and looked down she immediately started screaming at me and slapping me in my face. If she'd have calmed down for a minute im sure she would have appreciated the fact that I had chosen to use my Note 4 for the pics and her tiny galaxy 2 as the dildo. But there was no reasoning with her
Well after a few minutes of screaming and slapping there's a pounding at the door. I fricking FREAK. I dont know this girl well enough to know if shes the type to get all fussy with rape charges or whatever, so I run into the bathroom and dive straight through the open window. even though I smashed my face on the bumper of a F-150 when I landed I still practically hit the ground running
I set off about a dozen car alarms looking for a vehicle to climb into. I knew I was fricked if went around front and tried to get to my truck. Finally I found a semi truck parked with a door unlocked and climbed in. I layed down in the floor and prayed not hear any sirens. I was freezing my arse off, still only wearing the bitches panties, so I quietly looked for something to cover up with. All I could find in the entire truck was a stack of porno magazines and a box of nicotine gum. So I layered the magazines across my body like a quilt of filth and chewed about 20 pieces of the gum to calm my nerves
I have no idea how I managed to doze off, but somehow I did. I woke up and the sun was starting to peek out in the distance. I was shaking uuncontrollably but not from cold, I was having nicotine spasms. I knew I had to make a break for it. Without hesitation I sprang up looking like a piece of fetish toast and ran for my vehicle. Thank sweet jesus I had a spare key in a magnet box under the truck and somehow raced away without incident
Now here's the thing. I may have left all my clothes behind, and I may have had nicorette diarrhea my whole first week in atlanta, and I may even have pending rape charges back in clemson. But you know what? I havent had a cigarette in 3 weeks now. And thats the healthiest life change ive made in a long time. So to finally quit smoking after all these years would I relive that night all over again? damn right I would
So of course first things first, we get into the dope. Now im not saying I have any cosby sweaters hanging in my closet, but I do appreciate a well medicated piece of arse. And hit it hard we did. shite got really creepy. im not sure where the frick this molly came from but this shite here would have clay aiken eating pussy. I felt like jim morrison in the desert. It was fricking intense. The last thing I remember was sweating my balls off butt naked in the fetal position on the bathroom floor saying the pledge of allegiance over and over again. Apparently it didnt hit her quite as hard because she was just laying in the bed watching the weather channel
Ok, so this next scene is kind of hard to explain. Now I dont know what part of my upbringing allows me to engage in certain acts of wanton depravity like this, but I dont forgive my parents for it. All I know is that when I regain lucidity here I am laying across the bed, wearing her underwear, I have davinci code glyphs drawn all over my body in pink lipstick, and for unknown reasons I'm in the process of cramming the girls entire cell phone into her vagina. Oh yea, and i have my phone out taking pictures. One could theorize that perhaps I was trying to use both phones to create some advanced photographic refractory angle and take a super high definition picture of her cervix to put on facebook. but its like trying to explain stonehenge really. All I know is she must not have had premium handset coverage on her phone because when she woke up and looked down she immediately started screaming at me and slapping me in my face. If she'd have calmed down for a minute im sure she would have appreciated the fact that I had chosen to use my Note 4 for the pics and her tiny galaxy 2 as the dildo. But there was no reasoning with her
Well after a few minutes of screaming and slapping there's a pounding at the door. I fricking FREAK. I dont know this girl well enough to know if shes the type to get all fussy with rape charges or whatever, so I run into the bathroom and dive straight through the open window. even though I smashed my face on the bumper of a F-150 when I landed I still practically hit the ground running
I set off about a dozen car alarms looking for a vehicle to climb into. I knew I was fricked if went around front and tried to get to my truck. Finally I found a semi truck parked with a door unlocked and climbed in. I layed down in the floor and prayed not hear any sirens. I was freezing my arse off, still only wearing the bitches panties, so I quietly looked for something to cover up with. All I could find in the entire truck was a stack of porno magazines and a box of nicotine gum. So I layered the magazines across my body like a quilt of filth and chewed about 20 pieces of the gum to calm my nerves
I have no idea how I managed to doze off, but somehow I did. I woke up and the sun was starting to peek out in the distance. I was shaking uuncontrollably but not from cold, I was having nicotine spasms. I knew I had to make a break for it. Without hesitation I sprang up looking like a piece of fetish toast and ran for my vehicle. Thank sweet jesus I had a spare key in a magnet box under the truck and somehow raced away without incident
Now here's the thing. I may have left all my clothes behind, and I may have had nicorette diarrhea my whole first week in atlanta, and I may even have pending rape charges back in clemson. But you know what? I havent had a cigarette in 3 weeks now. And thats the healthiest life change ive made in a long time. So to finally quit smoking after all these years would I relive that night all over again? damn right I would
Posted on 10/7/15 at 4:33 am to Chef Leppard
you are like the Lewis Grizzard of Penthouse Forum.
Posted on 10/7/15 at 6:46 am to Chef Leppard
No words. That. Was. Magnificent.
Posted on 10/7/15 at 7:32 am to Chef Leppard
I spent a summer fricking a chick named Brandy. 1999, I think. Good times.
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