SBNation Previews Every SEC Game

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North Carolina vs. South Carolina. The college football season begins with the sport's most hallowed tradition: Steve Spurrier jerking his quarterbacks in and out of the game until one develops whiplash. The one that doesn't have whiplash? NEW STARTER.

[/Spurrier voice] "Y'all make football way harder than it has to be."

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Wisconsin vs. Alabama. A restless Nick Saban within 500 yards of Jerry Jones? Cool, cool, not suspicious.

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Jacksonville State at Auburn. The state of Alabama saw the barrens of Jacksonville, Florida and said, "WE GOTTA GET A JACKSONVILLE." Sometimes Alabama is not a very smart state.

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LSU at Mississippi State. This will be a big revenge game for LSU's 34-29 loss last year, provided Miles remembers it. (He doesn't.)

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Auburn at LSU. This feels like Auburn could carpet-bomb LSU's defense. So, given the course of the Miles era, count it as an inevitable 14-11 LSU victory. (LSU points via seven safeties.)

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South Carolina at Georgia. Georgia should win every year, but South Carolina is Finland, and Georgia is Russia, and that's how you lose 340,000 men in the north woods in a single winter, Marshal Richt. Nick Chubb runs for 270 yards and they still lose. Chubb Ratio: nearly 1:1, because UGA will have something astonishing like "QB goes 7-of-22 with 6 passing yards."

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LSU at Syracuse. LOL this isn't real next

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Georgia at Georgia Tech. Between the Chubb Ratio and the Georgia Tech Paleo-bone offense, there should be 15 total passes, time should run backwards, and Paul Johnson will stand atop a pile of burning TVs screaming, "YEAR ZERO. YEAAAAAAARRR ZERO IS HERE."

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Alabama at Auburn. I believe it when Saban says these games take years off his life, because everything Auburn does is designed to drive him insane.

I believe Malzahn when he says, "000010110011101110111011000011110101101," because he is a simple football computer made in Russia in the 1980s from single-wing DNA and easy binary coding.

I believe Kiffin when he says that he did 160 in his dad's Corvette, because Lane is a rad dude and we hang out all the time. I believe he'll call me again, maybe after he takes the Miami job.

I love the Iron Bowl because it ruins people's damn lives, like sports should.

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