Bama fan pens letter to Jay Jacobs applying for Auburn OC job opening

quote:

---

Mr. Jacobs,

How’s it hanging, JJ? It’s been a little while since I last reached out, but I am here to help you out of a jam. I understand that the Auburn Family is looking for a new step-dad in the form of an offensive coordinator. Now please understand that I am not excited about this job at all, JJ. As a matter of fact, I would rather participate in lengthy sexual congress with a hornet’s nest than coach at Auburn. That being said, I consider you a friend, and I am willing to help you out. Also, I have a significant gambling debt that I need to clear right away for the sake of my kneecaps, my children's kneecaps, and any potential kneecaps that might belong to my grandchildren. Break out that checkbook and keep it down home, cuz. It’s time for a middle school assistant to coach at Auburn.

JJ, I understand that it hurts to lose someone like you lost Rhett. I can relate. My first wife left me for a Huskie just like Rhett left you. The only difference was that the Huskie my wife left me for probably couldn’t find his milkbone, if you know what I mean. It sucks to lose someone like that, but I am here for you, buddy. Auburn has their high school head coach, so it is only right that they hire a middle school OC. I am sure that you have heard of them, but allow me to point out that I was named “Mr. Congeniality” by the Etowah County Middle School Assistant Coaches Association (ECMSACA).

JJ, I will bring a new approach to the Auburn offense. During the past middle school football season, which finished 6-1, we managed to average 1 quarterback per snap. I plan on bringing this approach to the Plains. I also managed to teach nutrition to my players as well. I emphasize the importance of proper calcium intake. I figure Sean White is only a few gallons of moo juice away from playing an entire game. I also plan on emphasizing the most offensive aspect of John Franklin III: his personality. I will be splicing clips from “Last Chance U” into the game film, so that opposing players are naturally drawn away from JF3. I believe this will open running lanes.

My final approach for the Auburn offense will be to INSTALL PICK PLAYS SINCE OBVIOUSLY NO ONE CALLS THOSE DURING FOOTBALL GAMES ANY MORE AND WE CAN JUST DO WHATEVER WE WANT TO DO AND THE RULES DON’T APPLY AND NOTHING MAKES SENSE AND I GUESS I’LL JUST STRAP A DAMN JETPACK TO THE QUARTERBACK AND LET HIM FLY INTO THE ENDZONE SINCE WE DON’T CARE ABOUT FOLLOWING THE RULES THE WAY THAT GOD, POP WARNER, AND PAUL WILLIAM BRYANT INTENDED AND….sorry, JJ. It’s been a rough week.

In closing, hire me. I need this, you need this, and my potential grandchildren need this. I look forward to climbing on the Gus Bus. I can’t legally drive it, since my CDL was revoked due to playing Pokemon Go while driving, but I’ll be glad to have a seat. I met me second wife at a Waffle House, and I guess that number 3 might as well be from there too.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Troy Elliott

---