A word from Gen Neyland

"Hi folks! Some of you may not remember me, since I died decades before you were born, but I'm General Bob Neyland. I was head coach of the Tennessee Volunteers from... aw, shucks, who cares about what years it was exactly? It was a long damn time ago. But let me tell you, the Big Orange was rolling back then! Why, we even had a season back in the 30's, which you may remember as the decade before World War 2, when we didn't give up a point. Not one single point! Now that's dominance. Yessir, we were a force to be reckoned with back then. Even had the series lead over Alabama, if you can believe it. We were truly the Pride of the Southland.

"But I'm not here to talk about the good old days, my friends. I'm here to lend a friendly word of advice to the current generation of Tennessee football fans to GET OFF MY GODDAMNED JOCK and try winning something of note in the current century, rather than going on and on about stuff that I did in the first half of the last one. I've been carrying your program on my back for the past eighty years, and I'm damn tired of it! You're like a fricking albatross around my neck. You remember that scene in A Chistmas Carol where Scrooge meets his old partner, Marley, who's been condemned to drag big heavy boxes of money behind him through the afterlife? My afterlife is like that, except instead of money, I'm dragging Power T's and fricking hound dogs. I can't even show my face in heaven's Old Coaches' Club anymore. Every time I walk in, I'll see Coach Bryant and Shug Jordan and Jimmy Vaught sitting at a table together, and I'll see them start whispering when they see me, and then I'll hear one of them call out, 'How 'bout them Vols?', and they all break down laughing, and I just have to leave. It's a fricking shame is what it is. I'm at the point now where I wish I had coached Vandy or some damn place, so at least I could throw a little academic smack at them or something. frick.

"And I know some of you out there are thinking, 'But General, they used to say the same thing about Alabama and the Bear, and look at them now! We'll turn out all right too.' Yeah, they did used to say the same thing, and you know what those frickers did? They went out and hired the one guy out there who might be even better than the Bear was, and they didn't spare any money in order to do it. Meanwhile, Tennessee has gone out and found the one guy who looks like the gender-confused love child of Melissa McCarthy and a goddamn hedgehog, and they are just tickled pink to have him. Newsflash, Butch and Tennessee fans: just because you cut your hair like me, doesn't mean you can coach like me! I hear you all going on and on about General Neyland this and the Maxims that like you have the slightest fricking clue who I am or what I was all about. You know what? You can all shut right the frick up. I don't want to hear anything more about the Maxims. I came up with those things a goddamn century ago. One of them has the word 'oskie' in it, for frick's sake! I don't even remember what an 'oskie' is, so I know you motherfrickers are just saying it because you think it connects you to the long-ago days when Tennessee football was worth a damn. How about you come up with some new maxims or some shite and stop trying to involve my name with the crap product you've been putting on the field! If you knew even the first thing about me, you'd know I don't associate myself with losers, and that's what you are. So quit using my name in vain!

"Well, I'll let you folks go, because I know most of you aren't Tennessee fans and probably feel the same way I do. For those of you that are Tennessee fans, though, I'll sum up with this short reminder: win some goddamn games and stop talking about how you're 'number two historically in the SEC' because that's all it is, is history. You hear Yale fans tooting their horns about all the championships they won while Jesus was hanging from the damn cross? No, because they're smart enough to know those things don't matter anymore, and even though you're all a bunch of hillbillies, you should be too."