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Two days late, but post your favorite Mitch Hedberg jokes here
Posted on 3/31/14 at 2:26 pm
Posted on 3/31/14 at 2:26 pm
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When I’m on my hotel elevator, I like to pretend that someone else’s floor is wrong. Like, if someone gets on and presses 3, I’m like “You’re on three? Hahahaha. Dude, I don’t think I can ride with you.”
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Alcoholism is a disease. But it’s like the only disease you can get yelled at for having.
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I was gonna stay overnight at my friends place, he said “You’re gonna have to sleep on the floor.”…. Damn gravity. You got me again. You know how badly I want to sleep on the wall.
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The commercial for Diet Dr Pepper says “It tastes just like regular Dr Pepper”… well then they fricked up.
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I use the word “totally” way too much. I need to change it to something that’s different, but means the same thing. “Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches?” “All encompassingly."
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A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
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My friend came up to me and he said “Hey, you know what I like? Mashed potatoes.” It was like, “Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If you’re gonna quiz me, you gotta put a pause in there.”
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That would be cool if SpiderMan shot hammocks instead of nets. “Hey, you’re not a criminal, but you do need to relax.”
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Some companies like to spell out words, so you call ‘em up and remember their name. But they use too many letters because they can’t edit it. “Give us a call at 1 800 I LOVE BRAND NEW CARPET.”
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I play golf. I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore!” but I was too busying mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.”
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I was at a casino, I was standing by the door, and the security guard came over and he said “You’re gonna have to move. You’re blocking the fire exit,” as if though there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
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I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. Literally. She was born with her hands attached to her shoulders. And that was sad. But then they said “Lola does not know the meaning of the word “can’t.” And that to me was actually kind of worse, in a way. Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn’t understand simple contractions.
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Hey, you know what keeps me from acting? frickin’… auditions.
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This jacket is dry clean only… which means it’s dirty.
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This is what my friend said to me, he said “I think the weather’s trippy.” And I said “No, man. It’s not the weather that’s trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.” Then I thought, “Man, I should have just said… ‘Yeah.’”
7
Posted on 3/31/14 at 3:30 pm to Tornado Alley
Posted on 3/31/14 at 3:49 pm to Tornado Alley
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who'd get really mad if she heard me say that.
Posted on 3/31/14 at 3:51 pm to Tornado Alley
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If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Posted on 3/31/14 at 4:01 pm to Tornado Alley
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Alcoholism is a disease. But it’s like the only disease you can get yelled at for having.
"Goddamnit Otto you have Lupus!"
I was lucky enough to see his show live a couple of years before he passed.
ETA: I have long hair, and see: people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like "an extreme longing for cake." People would see a guy with long hair and say, "Damn, that fricker eats cake, he's on bundt cake." Mothers telling their daughters, "Don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
This post was edited on 3/31/14 at 4:49 pm
Posted on 3/31/14 at 4:14 pm to Tornado Alley
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so...yeah"."
Posted on 3/31/14 at 4:39 pm to Projectpat
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It’s a lot like a bear, but it’s a frog. I think that’s a better system. I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought “Man, I’d better play dead. Here comes that frog.” I would never say “Here comes that frog” in a horrifying manner. It’s always, like, optimistic. Like, “Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me and I can pet him, and put him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he’s used to.”
One time a guy handed me a picture, he said “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.
In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It’s a lot like a bear, but it’s a frog. I think that’s a better system. I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought “Man, I’d better play dead. Here comes that frog.” I would never say “Here comes that frog” in a horrifying manner. It’s always, like, optimistic. Like, “Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me and I can pet him, and put him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he’s used to.”
One time a guy handed me a picture, he said “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.
Posted on 3/31/14 at 4:41 pm to Projectpat
"I had an ant farm. Them frickers didn't grow shite"
Posted on 3/31/14 at 4:49 pm to Vols&Shaft83
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus… or a really cool opotamus?
I think Pringles’ initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truck load of potatoes arrived. And Pringles is a laid back company, they said, “frick it, cut ‘em up.”
You know when it comes to racism, people say “I don’t care if they’re black, white, purple or green.” Oh, hold on now. Purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people.
I think Pringles’ initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truck load of potatoes arrived. And Pringles is a laid back company, they said, “frick it, cut ‘em up.”
You know when it comes to racism, people say “I don’t care if they’re black, white, purple or green.” Oh, hold on now. Purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people.
This post was edited on 3/31/14 at 4:53 pm
Posted on 3/31/14 at 4:54 pm to tylerdurden24
]Because 13 is an unlucky number, right? Well that's what the letter B should be right, because B looks like a scrunched together 13. "Hello, what is your name?" "Bob" "Get the frick away!"
Posted on 3/31/14 at 5:04 pm to Tornado Alley
Met him before his set at a comedy club once. Weird dude, but absolutely hysterical.
I always liked the one about Frito with the grill marks. It's not that funny written down, but his delivery was hilarious.
I always liked the one about Frito with the grill marks. It's not that funny written down, but his delivery was hilarious.
Posted on 3/31/14 at 5:18 pm to the808bass
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I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who'd get really mad if she heard me say that.
I always thought that one was hilarious.
Also, I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an “Escalator Temporarily Out of Order” sign. Only an “Escalator Temporarily Stairs… Sorry for the Convenience.”
The best part was his delivery. As I'm reading these, it's his voice in my head. And now I want to go smoke a bowl.
Posted on 3/31/14 at 5:31 pm to Dawggy_Style
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The best part was his delivery. As I'm reading these, it's his voice in my head. And now I want to go smoke a bowl.
Damn responsibility
Posted on 3/31/14 at 5:47 pm to Dawggy_Style
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I wish there was a cologne that smelled like fajitas... Cause man those things smell good.
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I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin and hook up with them later.
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Every book is a children's book if the kid can read
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
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I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
RIP Mitch
This post was edited on 3/31/14 at 5:55 pm
Posted on 3/31/14 at 5:59 pm to reggierayreb
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I wrote a script and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. He read it and he said he liked it but I needed to rewrite it. I said, "frick that! I'll just make a copy."
Posted on 3/31/14 at 6:16 pm to Tornado Alley
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One time I opened up a yogurt, and underneath the lid, it said, 'Please try again.' They were having a contest I was unaware of, but I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me? 'C'mon, Mitch. Don't give up. Please try again,' a message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
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