Proposed New SEC Safety Rules: Height, Weight, and Speed limits

These bitch-arse rules are specifically geared toward frickING Saban! MUUUUWWWWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! frick YOU!!! Let's all be whiny little bitches!!!


1. No SEC football player may weigh over 250 pounds, as bigger players cause more injuries. A player will have a maximum weight based on height in inches with a sliding, adjusted height to weight ratio (inches:pounds).

a player that is:
5'5" (65 inches) = 2.3:1 ratio or 150 pound limit.
5'6" (66 inches) = 2.4:1 ratio or 158.4 pounds.
5'7" (67) = 2.5 = 167.5
5'8" (68) = 2.6 = 176.8
5'9" (69) = 2.7 = 186.3
5'10" (70) = 2.8 = 196
5'11" (71) = 2.9 = 205.9
6'0" (72) = 3.0 = 216
6'1" (73) = 3.1 = 226.3
6'2" (74) = 3.2 = 236.8
6'3" (75) = 250 (cap)
6'4" (76) = 250
6'5" (77) = 250
6'7" (78) = 250
etc.


2. No player may run faster than 15 mph on the playing field. Faster than 15 mph causes head injuries.



Here are some players that must be dismissed:

Jalston Fowler
Mobile, AL RB Senior 6-1 250
Dee Hart
Orlando, FL APB Junior 5-9 187
T.J. Yeldon
Daphne, AL APB Junior 6-2 218
Derrick Henry
Yulee, FL RB Sophomore 6-3 238
Alvin Kamara
Norcross, GA RB Sophomore 5-10 195
Tyren Jones
Marietta, GA RB Sophomore 5-9 215
Brian Vogler
Columbus, GA TE Senior 6-7 260
Michael Nysewander
Birmingham, AL TE Senior 6-1 235
Malcolm Faciane
Picayune, MS TE Junior 6-5 267
Corey McCarron
Spanish Fort, AL TE Junior 6-2 238
Brandon Greene
Ellenwood, GA TE Sophomore 6-5 307
Arie Kouandjio
Hyattsville, MD OG Senior 6-5 315
Chad Lindsay
Spring, TX OG Senior 6-2 302
Austin Shepherd
Suwanee, GA OT Senior 6-5 315
Harold Nicholson
Columbus, OH OT Senior 6-5 283
Ryan Kelly
West Chester, OH OC Junior 6-5 290
Isaac Luatua
La Mirada, CA OG Junior 6-2 313
Cyrus Kouandjio
Hyattsville, MD OT Senior 6-6 310
Leon Brown
Brooklyn, NY OT Senior 6-6 313
Brandon Moore
Cincinnati, OH OG Junior 6-0 313
Paul Waldrop
Phenix City, AL OG Junior 6-4 276
Brandon Hill
Collierville, TN OT Sophomore 6-6 385
Grant Hill
Huntsville, AL OT Sophomore 6-6 301
Bradley Bozeman
Roanoke, AL OT Sophomore 6-5 310
Austin Peavler
West Palm Beach, FL OG Sophomore 6-3 290
Alphonse Taylor
Mobile, AL OG Sophomore 6-5 335
Anthony Orr
Harvest, AL SDE Senior 6-4 282
Brandon Ivory
Memphis, TN DT Senior 6-4 310
Wilson Love
Birmingham, AL DT Junior 6-3 286
LaMichael Fanning
Hamilton, GA DT Junior 6-7 270
Jeoffrey Pagan
Asheville, NC SDE Senior 6-4 290
Michael Newsome
Baltimore, MD WDE Senior 6-2 250
Darren Lake
York, AL DT Junior 6-3 324
Dakota Ball
Lindale, GA DT Sophomore 6-2 270
A'Shawn Robinson
Fort Worth, TX DT Sophomore 6-4 320
Dee Liner
Muscle Shoals, AL DT Sophomore 6-3 281
Korren Kirven
Lynchburg, VA DT Sophomore 6-5 281
Dalvin Tomlinson
McDonough, GA DT Sophomore 6-2 287
Adrian Hubbard
Norcross, GA OLB Senior 6-6 252
Trey DePriest
Springfield, OH ILB Senior 6-2 245
Xzavier Dickson
Griffin, GA OLB Senior 6-3 265
Josh Dickerson
Evans, GA ILB Senior 6-1 244
Tyler Owens
Pinson, AL OLB Senior 6-0 220
Denzel Devall
Bastrop, LA OLB Junior 6-2 250
Reggie Ragland
Madison, AL ILB Junior 6-2 259
Jonathan Allen
Ashburn, VA OLB Sophomore 6-3 264
Ryan Anderson
Daphne, AL OLB Sophomore 6-2 255
Reuben Foster
Auburn, AL ILB Sophomore 6-1 244
Brandon Wilson
Millbrook, AL S Freshman 5-10 203
Cole Mazza
Bakersfield, CA LS Sophomore 6-1 246