4:30pm I am sitting in room 3 on the third floor of Erlanger Medical Center. The arse-floor. I am surrounded by patients with similar problems. To put it simply, these are my kind of people.

4:32pm I just farted; it felt like I may have crapped a cantaloupe.

4:38pm "Dr. Moore" just came in. She's hot. Over 1,000,000 things going through my head. None of them good and most of them making me panic a bunch.

4:40pm Dr. Moore asked me to go to the bathroom before we got started. I assume that before she runs test #1 she wants to make sure that she isn't about to be crapped on. Reasonable request. I comply.

4:45pm I'm sitting in the office bathroom trying to make a poop when there is a knock on the door. I kindly say "someone's in here". The door opens anyway. It's Dr. Moore. Apparently I'm not preparing for test #1...... this is test #1.

4:46pm I'm trying frantically to make my penis look bigger. I fail miserably.

4:49pm Dr. Moore has a long stick with a mirror on it (old man pervert looking up woman's skirts style). She asks me to shift to the front of the toilet seat while she puts her pervert stick in the back of the toilet bowl.

4:50pm Dr. Moore asks me to "push like I'm trying to get one out." She than asks me to "squeeze like I'm holding one in." We are both uncomfortable with what she just said. We don't say anything else to each other.

4:52pm I never get to poop, It was a trick.

4:55pm Doc brings me into a room where there is an alter looking bench and she asks me to kneel down. I think this is an appropriate time to pray. I comply.

4:57pm While kneeling on the alter, my upper torso is hanging over. The devise than turns upside down and my head is on the ground and my arse is in the air.

4:58pm My pride is right beside me on the ground. It looks at me with disappointment from what I've done with my life.

5:00pm Dr. Moore puts enough things in my a-hole to make a gay man uncomfortable.

5:05pm Dr. Moore tells me that my sphincter is "extraordinarily tight."

5:05pm I tell Dr. Moore thank you.

5:06pm Dr. Moore tells me she can't do the test she needs because of my tight sphincter and that I need to have surgery on Monday so that she can cut my a-hole to allow it to stretch and allow access for the tests. She thinks this in and of itself is a lot of the reason for the problems that I'm having but needs to get past it to see if their are problems further up my arse.

5:07pm I'm worried about Doc turning dis cheerio into a doughnut.

5:10pm Dr. Moore flips me back right side up. I will preface the next part of this story with there hasn't been blood in my legs for 15 minutes and suddenly it's all about to leave my head.

5:11pm I fall out like the best man at an "Americas Funniest Video's" wedding. Completely fall out on the floor cold. My hand to God I pass out like a cold fish and fall to the ground in what is ultimately a vegetative state.

5:13pm I am more humiliated now than having just had my arse spread like a pork chop by a pretty nurse doctor.

5:15pm I make my way to another room where we schedule Monday's surgery.

5:20pm I drive home thinking about how in a few days I will literally have someone "rip me a new a-hole."

To Be Continued...

This post was edited on 2/26/14 at 2:40 pm