Gus Malzahn Executed at SEC Headquarters for Shaming Conference (Sattire)

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Auburn head coach Gus Malzahn was stripped naked, thrown into a cage, and eaten alive by a pack of ravenous dogs, according to a newspaper with close ties to SEC commissioner Mike Slive.

Malzahn, who had been considered an up-and-coming coach in college football, was executed this morning after losing the BCS title game and ending the SEC’s streak of seven consecutive national championships. He was found guilty of “attempting to undermine SEC superiority.”

Birmingham, Ala.-based pro-SEC newspaper “Birmingham News” reported that Malzahn and his five top assistants were set upon by 120 hunting hounds which had been starved for five days.

Slive and Alabama head coach Nick Saban supervised the one-hour ordeal along with other SEC coaches, according to the report. The newspaper added that Malzahn and his assistants were “completely eaten up.”

In the highly scripted execution, the SEC accused Malzahn of “attempting to undermine conference superiority by all sorts of intrigues and despicable methods including not sniffing out an obvious fake punt and failing to hold a lead.”

The conference also accused him of of corruption, stealing recruits, playing a thief at quarterback and “embarrassing” clothing choices.

The SEC also today announced plans to test a missile in southeast Alabama, not far from Tallahassee, Florida.

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